When you were born I held you on one hand
And marvelled at the way that life can be
It seems impossible to understand
To make another life from you and me
Although you were expected and well planned
I did not know the ways you'd set me free
You'll always be a baby in my heart
But now you're six foot one and live apart!
You're always in a hurry to arrive
From in to out on less than half an hour
You popped out in my arms, a child, alive
Like water falling from a summer shower
I had to catch you so you wouldn't dive
And now you're always after speed and power
I sometimes wish you'd learn to slow it down
I guess a dad can learn to show a frown
A ginger midget then and still the same
My little girl who bounced the world away
You treat your life as just a sort of game
Each situation is a chance for play
I guess as parents we must take the blame
I hope this is the way you'll always stay
You are my girl and still my only elf
I see a lot of you inside myself
And number four you rounded out our team
With ways to cause your elder siblings pain!
You play guitar which makes me want to scream
But everything about you is a gain
When you were ill I lived the harshest dream
I'm far more happy now you're just a strain!
From one to four no dad could ask for more
And yet I wonder what we did it for!!!
Author notes
Terry, Alex, Frances and Ray, who could ask for more?
Less maybe but certainly not more!!!
Oh and if anyone cares it is a four stanza ottava rima, in iambic pentameter.
8 lines per verse diDUM diDUM diDUM diDUM diDUM on each line and rhymed abababcc within each verse which are not linked.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
A lovely, loving tribute, cleverly penned. Your affection shines out of this poem.
I'm going to be picky:
Line 8 - one person cannot live apart.
Learn 16 - you had "learn" in the previous line, and I am trying to feel it not jarring... Would you consider a re-draft to put the repeated word in the same place in each line? That would create a balance.
Overall - you do not punctuate, by choice, and this makes me wonder why you use exclamation marks. Don't underestimate the readers' ability to recognise when you are making a forceful statement.
Not bad, as the assembled bunnies attest.
-
-
The learns were awkward, I missed them on reading through, and Sue was having a bad day
fixed I think now.
One person cannot live apart, hmmmm, actually I think they can. a definition of apart in my dictionary is "out of consideration" what I think you are saying is I ought to say apart from what, well, I know, and he knows and as to the reader? What did it say to you?
Dunno I'll think on, as ever I am immensely grateful for the close attention of the best critiquer on AP, Ta SIS!!!
-
-
I think the "learn" lines are now a little weaker. If you had something like...
"I guess a Dad can learn to show a frown"
... that would create a good comic balance, and convey the idea that you might just be feigning the frown sometimes.
As for "apart", I think the context guides the reader (me in this case) towards the idea that you are trying to say that the six-oner lives apart from his parents. Unless he is an eremite, I can't see that he lives "apart" in the general sense. I dare say he is fully engaged with others, notwithstanding he has flown the nest.
We're still well within bunny territory anyhow.
-
-
-
Thank you for entering this into my contest!
I laughed out loud when I read your author's note ... I have one daughter, and we want another .. then my daughter's dad also has two kids from a previous marriage, who spend all summer and every other weekend with us .. so I can understand the sentiment! Sometimes, when I'm home alone all day with three kids, I wonder if I'm insane to want another!
I love the casual, easy language that you wrote this with .. nothing sounds "forced", or like you just threw it in to fit the form. I also enjoyed the brief trip into your relationship with each individual child .. it's so sweet, and such a pleasure to read! You used a lot of common rhymes, (be/me/free), but some less-common ones, too, (hour/shower/power) and I don't think a single moment of this could be considered "cliche", so .. you did an excellent job.
Sounds like you have, and had, your hands full with this bunch! Thanks for sharing!
- Bunny -
Excellent and a very loving Dad you are!
You express parental feelings well.
Great Ottava Rima and all the best in the contest
-
Outstanding
I have kids and this poem reminds me of all we go through as parents. Mine are still quite young but I already feel as you do - children certainly enrich your life. I thought this was well-written with good flow and you managed the complex rhyme scheme to perfection. Best of luck in the contest.
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
