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unravelled sin

 
 
 
 
 
to endure a silence
of memory

 
never forget
 
that an unclean pilgrim

cannot touch
in this forbidden country
 
for the penitent is forgotten
daily
where the wise water
drinks itself
and all sunlight reflects
a difference,
 
a mystery of hands
unravelled

in unconventional care
 
while paupers

pinned to crosses

dare smile
 
when each mother-face
descends with age apart-
secretive
and darkened alone
 
for each unwed daughter
exiled to dance

moves naked in this pale light
 
with a million faces never
seen [ though known ]

 
vigils cut short
by the enmity of callous eye,
by the love-hate of strangers,
by the lie that love is found
 
only
 
at the cusp of sun
and moon
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Author notes

Edits: 2

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Allyce May gold member
    July 28, 2008
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  • sheltered
    July 24, 2008

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    I love this...

    "or the penitent is forgotten
    daily
    where the wise water
    drinks itself
    and all sunlight reflects
    a difference"

    and this...

    "when each mother-face
    descends with age apart-
    secretive
    and darkened alone

    for each unwed daughter
    exiled to dance

    moves naked in this pale light"

    and especially how it all comes down to this...

    "vigils cut short
    by the enmity of callous eye,
    by the love-hate of strangers,
    by the lie that love is found

    only

    at the cusp of sun
    and moon"

    Very well thought out.
    Thanks you.

  • Suzanne Dia
    July 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply


    This is a different voice for you, it is harder, though the language is still as silky as I have come to know from you.

    Sometimes I think the faceless names can mock us. While we want to trust so quickly, so wholly, the facelessness of such a thing creates doubt. It take shadows and stretches them taut across insecurity, and all we can do is gasp for breath,..


    while the anonymity makes getting acquainted easier, it makes trusting so much harder at times.

    how easy a virus or a job or a man or a dog or the uprooting of life can take a faceless name and wipe it off the chalkboard without warning...

    Some people, though, have faces made of light that cannot be removed from any board.




  • Ithica silver member
    July 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think you have summerized the prompt most excellently... is it any wonder hateful contempt grows in the light of, if, when, where, who, what and why...??? A world full of lonely people stymied by qualifiers... Hmmmm... What a conundrum? But I always like your stuff!


  • ArtFullyMe silver member
    July 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    what I think.. if I was to start there, I'd leave pages and none of them would or could critique this..

    for days I have been trying to write to you, not many inspire me to do that, but you have/do. ( for reasons you know ).. it's all in that sun and moon, and the perspective it leaves.

    as well as that swallow of hate burnt like a phoenix turning through clouds into rain. Almost as predictable as convection is to planetary balance.

    so when I say I can't critique this, trust me.. I can't


  • apples fell
    July 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    "in caring for same"
    - The choice for "same" feels awkward.
    "and darkened alone
    and each unwed daughter"
    - The two "ands" so close I don't think creates a good sound issue, not like in the end with the "by" in my opinion, which I thought was great. The punctuation in general seems out of focus. Sometimes the comma's worked, other times, I felt it didn't. I honestly think you could have none. That's it. Everything else is strong. I have a fondness for the water stanza and the end. Good stuff Kate.

    ;


    • EvilKate
      July 22, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      Again you find the weak points with ease. I've been mulling them over and have made, I think, some durable alterations


      • apples fell
        July 22, 2008
        Edit | Reply

        Yes you have. I especially enjoyed what you did with the brackets towards the end, those weren't there originally if I remember. You nailed that part that felt awkward. I think "in unconventional care" is so much more refined. As usual, your changes strengthened your work.


  • misselaineous
    July 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    the cusp
    yes i see that

    marvellous stuff


  • iverbthenoun
    July 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i love this a little than how i love thee you are truly brilliant.

  • Rowan gold member
    July 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    one of my favorites by you...
    this is so fine, hon.
    Love, love this.

1 - 11 of 11