Love to emptiness
Joy to sorrow
Shining happiness to empty darkness
Full to hollow.
How did it happen?
This loss of reverence
Did I create this dudgeon?
Do I deserve this penance?
She was perfect you know
In every conceivable way
Unlike this hobo
Full of flaws and decay.
She was young and beautiful
Smart, witty, and needful
I was old and awful
Dull, boring, and lustful.
We did each fall far
We accepted our deeds
Each looking for a savoir
Each finding our needs.
Author notes
Lost love, I think, is one of the most painful things a person can go through. I wasn't prepared to lose her, but she moved on without me. I don't blame her, we had many things stacked against us, but the sharpness of her departure has truly affected me. I miss her and think of her every day, and writing helps me cope with the lost of my best friend, my lover, and my confidant.
A contest entry
- best prewrites by dory.
500 points, ended July 30, 112 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Random options. by Shrat.
600 points, ended July 30, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PREWRITTEN POEMS!!!!! by kavi22.
450 points, ended August 5, 182 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
[Reward: double points]
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
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Deep
i really liked where you took this poem, i am sorry for your loss, but you will love again...stay strong...one luv -
this is beautiful and very touching
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wow! THAT IS OUTSTANDING!
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Thank you.. you made me smile...
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A heart warming theory of the sentiments you have shared and sketched very honestly..bringing the meaning of the life in the words...
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Thank you very much... this comment really brought a smile to my heart, thank you.
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Thank you.
Your excellent word usage taught me a new word today: dudgeon. Aside from that, emotion flows from this piece, your rhyming is quite solid, and the rhythm is pretty darn good as well.
. Rewarded 4
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Thank you for noticing that word 'dudgeon', I was wondering how many people would just read it as dungeon, which also makes sense, but not what I wanted the reader to feel.
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Great write..
Your emotions come through with your word flow. I could feel your sorrow... Great Write!!! -
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Thank you very much.
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Excellent write , great flow and display of emotion. I really like the first stanza. This reminds me of my first love and how he suddenly left without notice and the part in your AN when you say "we had so many things stacked against us" you would think that when your in love thoses things really wouldn't matter, but then they tear you apart. But I also think that every relationship in their own way has things that are stacked against them, but it's only when you find that one person you can beat all the odds with is when you find you'r true love. This is a great peice of poetry, one of my favorites...
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Wow.. thank you so much for your comments, i don't think anyone ever said to me "This is a great piece of poetry" on anything i have ever wrote, to be honest, i only write poetry because of her, I don't think i ever would have tried without her telling me to try, i owe her so much and i am still so very thankful that i got to spent anytime with her. damn.. tears... anyhow, thank you.. i still don't consider myself a poet, maybe someday.
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I like this one, its great. =]
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Thank you..
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Love to emptiness
Joy to sorrow
Shining happiness to empty darkness
Full to hollow.
Beautiful....I feel yer pain from yer words....feel better, keep writing
. Rewarded 4
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Thank you...
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Love to emptiness. I like that title, it goes well with your poem. I have learned that emptiness can be a blessing of peace and that the storm in emptiness can create a starry instant in which rest and peace can conquer a greiving heart.
I agree with you, writing has a way of healing.
It was not until I lost my only child did I write my first good novel. It took me a year, but through writing the book I was healed from grief.
Sorrow and emptiness can create-
It's a possiblity that my ''Whisper on the Wind'' could be the only sad comedy ever written.
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"only sad comedy ever written." - I like that. I can only write poetry when i'm really happy or really sad, and to be honest, i'm still not convinced that i can write it, sometimes i think to myself, what am i doing here on a poetry site, but she gave me such a feeling of greatness at one time, she made me believe that anything was possible, even happiness. God i miss her.
Anyhow... thank you for your words of wisdom, much appreciated, and thank you for your kindness on this poem.
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The rhyme is well worked, the enjambment is good and the conveyance of emotion is strong. you may want to change "lost" to 'loss' in the sixth line though; it would make a wee bit more sense. peace
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Thank you for pointing out the "lost" mistake.. VERY much appreciated.. flows much nicer with that change. This is my favorite poem and thank you for making it even better.
Please feel free to comment on my other work with such a passionate eye for detail.
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Well Done,
I like how you expressed your emotions here.
Thanks for sharing, peace~
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Thank you for this comment... poetry is the only way i ever express myself.. peace back to you.
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This is sad, bt beautiful nonetheless. Usually, its not the type of poem i would really go for, and yet somehow, this dragged me in, and I couldnt stop reading. Nice!
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Thank you.. this was a really nice comment.. much appreciated.
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wow. your best right there. and erm, you should win this contest. very descriptive and very...... enjoyable. yo udid well
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Thank you so much...
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I can see why you said you're happy with this. This is another one of your poems where not much needs to be said. Another great write, although when I read the last stanza, it seems...unfinished somehow. I don't know. Great write.
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Coming from you, this means so much to me. It's funny you mentioned the "unfinished", cuz this was originally going to be a much longer poem, and I actually hacked off about 5 stanzas from the end cuz I realized that after the:
We did each fall far
We accepted our deeds
Each looking for a savoir
Each finding our needs.
I was just adding fluff, so yes, you’re right, but I really think it worked, but it did end kind of bluntly.
Thank you for commenting, and please keep commenting on my work, it means so much to me that you do.
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How sad this is...lost love when still felt in ones heart is so hard to find peace in...you wrote this well from the heart with so muchmeaning and feelings...though I do believe no one is perfect and that you under esitimate yourself with your word...you have a beautiful and giving soul...always remember your worth...
Love,
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Thank you for such kind words.. you really warmed my heart with your comment.
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This was a wonderful poem.. the emotion that you expressed here is really heartfelt and something I can relate to in many ways.. I really liked the 4th and 5th stanza.. Great write!!!
Angel
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Thank you
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I love the ending stanza, it was very fluid and a great way to end this poem. The rhymes were pretty good, the only one that seemed really forced was the hobo one, but that's ok because the poem just rocked =]. I'm sorry you lost someone you loved
it usually stings more to lose someone that just leaves and doesn't pass away v.v.
GREAT job
diggin it majorly
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Thank you so much for reading... I agree the hobo line is forced, but i really think it worked, a lot of times i will just put a placeholder word where i have trouble rhyming and than i will go back and fix it during "tweak" phase, but when i went back to hobo, i just loved the visual of a hobo, all "Full of flaws and decay" so even though it does not flow right, i really like the visual of that word so i kept it, but i do agree with you.
As for losing her, thank you for the kind words, she is an amazing woman who I wish all the happiness in life to her, she really deserves the best and I will love her until the day I die.
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awww i'm sorry you feel that way *hugs*
i hope you feel better soon, *huggles*
this has a wonderful flow to it, and strong emotions
i did enjoy reading, take care
stephanie ♥
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Thank you Stephanie...
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