It's getting darker and colder
As the sun sets on yet another summer
I think back to the happenings of this one
My mind is a swirl of confusion on this one
What was once set in black and white
Light and dark,
Is nothing but gray
My body changed to match what I wanted
My mind was warped by tragedy
My eyes were blinded by tears and the rain
"What should I do?"
That was my constant refrain
Because this is my last summer here
Where shall I go?
What shall I do?
How will this work?
These were my constant thoughts
I just wanted answers
But all I go in return was silence
Why must it seem like I am talking to myself?
As these thoughts go round and round in my head
The sun sets upon my summer once again...
A contest entry
- Summer Poem by Mortal.
900 points, ended October 9, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think about this?
Comments
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(Sort of co-judging the contest with FM, per her request)
Your poem starts well. It has some good imagery and you're setting a scene very well; I like your use of Summer as a backdrop, rather than a subject.
What I'm seeing, however, is a poem that could have easily been limited to the first seven lines. Even though much of your thought is contained in the rest of the poem, the first part conveys the feeling easily enough. Going on for as long as you did made it seem too long, and it definitely got melodramatic. Sort of forced angst, you know?
In conclusion, frankly I don't think you'll win the contest, but you made a noteworthy effort and it's definitely worth a read. Thanks for entering! <3 -
This is more in the vein of what I expected, Edgier. However it does get rather cliched and a bit emo.
I do like the picture you paint and some of the lines. When you begin talking about this being your last summer here I feel it gets a tad melodramatic. The use of the phrase "This one" twice is nice.I wish you had continued it throughout the poem. The ambiguity of your reference to gray is a nice idea. The line "My mind was warped by tragedy" or something similar is a good example of where the melodrama begins.
Thank you. -
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my last summer here because i'm a senior and after this i'm leaving and not coming back. and warped by tragedy b/c a close friend who was like an older bro died earlier this summer
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