Spring is the birth of all new life
And quickly leads on to summer
A childhood filled with dreams and play
Of becoming a ballerina or a drummer
An innocent time of growth and learning
When we experiment with life ahead
We develop and gain independence
And plan out the paths we may tread
Summer slowly blends into Autumn
When our own seeds we will sow
For the seedlings of our future spring
That in summer will learn and grow
When winter comes we will sit back
Our own lives will begin to fade
So spring's new birth can lead on
To next summer's colourful parade.
Author notes
Summer; thinking out of the box
A contest entry
- Summer Poem by Mortal.
900 points, ended October 9, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Bouquet or Compost?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Thank you for your constructive comment. Btw can I enter again?
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I think you should attempt a rewrite of this poem without trying to confine yourself to a rhyme. Several lines are very redeeming and a lot of the concepts are worth exploring, I feel the poem would be better had you not compromised for a rhyme.
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Of course, I apologize for my snappy comment.
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(Sort of co-judging with Foolish Mortal, per her request)
Hmm.
A valiant effort to be sure. Honestly, lines 6 and 11 were the only lines that were at all interesting to me; the rest weren't exactly unique. They're fun and make sense, and contribute to the overall poem, but their not really noteworthy. The picture you create is very colorful and alive, but perhaps you wrote this poem without a lot of inspiration. It just doesn't really move along in my head as much as you seemed to be trying to make it move.
Some future reference: your rhyming was mostly fine. However, in a few places it seemed weak, such as lines 2 and 4. Since the only things that really rhyme with Summer are "drummer", "bummer", "dumber", and "Hummer", none of which fit very smoothly, you would have been better off putting "Summer" somewhere else and rhyming some different words instead; it just would have flowed more easily.
Not to say that it's not a nice poem. It's a lovely poem, and stands well enough on its own, but for this contest, I don't think it's quite what FM is looking for. Good work anyway. -
I am sorry that you think it is a typically summer poem and that you find it such a cliche.
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No need to apologize to me. Just don't expect to win with this as your entry.
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It's nice enough but exactly what I asked NOT be submitted. it's a typical summer poem. the imagery and theme is cliched. Thank you for your entry however.
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