I miss you,
the wind sighs a lonesome breath.
A single leaf falls from a tree.
A tear.
I miss you,
she cries as she buries her face in her hands.
only one person notices.
one.
Author notes
wow this turned out really bad...
Improvements?
Comments
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I do like the way you connect the leaf falling with a tear and this is nicely evocative. It shows you don't need great epic writes to encapsulate such sadness and greatness of emotion. If you want some advice, try and make some of the images a little more original, the wind sighing has been used so often, perhaps you want to make it sing an elegy, or use something else. Also having someone bury her face is well run, perhaps you might want to use another verb instead of cries, perhaps something like her heart cracks, her voice shatters, have a look in the thesaurus, I can't think it's early morning here.. Nevertheless, overall I was quite impressed by this, there's great potential. Thanks for sharing. Cheers.
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I don't think it turned out badly. I like how you started with an abstract, nature-oriented stanza and then humanized it later. To me, it makes the loneliness later shown more universal.
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I love this.
Gorgeous imagery.
Love the first stanza, especially.
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aww i like this poem.
its not bad at all ruh!
youre too hard on yourself!
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