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Angelic Departure

we're not angels

 

 

Our divine nature ceased to be.

Of angelic hosts, we sang Gloria,

desultorily departing from light's rays

 

We're our own beings now,

eluding escape.

 

In this field, we lament our fall

The mirror lies, says we did the right thing.

 

What makes us better than the average man?

When we had power and position and we threw it away

for humanity's "better plan".

 

We're only fooling ourselves.

 

Author notes

Pic Credit: http://pirate-queen.deviantart.com/art/We-re-not-Angels-91823800

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 36 of 36

  • movedon
    July 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow..Very well done with the poem. I wish you nothing but gold trophies in the contest!! Tis a true statement...we are fooling ourselves. Vivid imagery with the mirror lying to us. Superb write.

    Warmest,
    Mylee


  • neon nightmares
    July 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really really like this. It's true, we are just fooling ourselves. sorry, I'd love to leave a more intelligent comment but I'm feelikng a little 'slow' right now.
    neon =D


  • notorious gold member
    July 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    A comma after "Gloria"...

  • notorious gold member
    July 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    We're our own beings now, eluding escape.<--separate line maybe? You've capitalized it...and plus, it would have more impact if it had its own separate line break from the first stanza. Reply if you think that's something you could do.

    "In this field, we lament our fall"
    Meghan helped you with this...I love this line!!


  • sailor ptolema
    July 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    tanto mejor!!!!

    (so much better!)

  • sailor ptolema
    July 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    other Possible edits:?

    "Our divine nature ceased to be.
    Of angelic hosts, we sang "Gloria"
    but made departure from light's rays
    We're our own beings now, eluding escape."

    "In this field, we lament/contemplate (maybe) our fall"

    "The mirror lies, says we did the right thing."

    "We had power and position and threw it away"

    take or leave them

  • sailor ptolema
    July 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Ok; logistics:


    You switch from plural to singular; and from 3rd person to first person..it's a bit confusing...since there are 2 people in the photo.

    "eluding from my escape">> this is awkwardly phrased.
    maybe just 'eluding escape'>>even though it's alliteration, it's more cohesive.


    "Gloria!">>you don't really need the exclamation mark.

    I like the last line

    Overall; this was ok. I think you can make it stronger though

    thanks for entering and g'luck!

    ~Pt





  • MaMa-2-be-Cindy
    July 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like how you have used the picture and the questioning within the poem

    Have to agree with Phantasy Cuz..the fullstops are over used and interupt the flow

    I love how you always seem to end your pieces with such profoundness in one line...love that


    Cind's


  • lowercase prelude gold member
    July 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I was just being gramatically correct, or so i thought


    • notorious gold member
      July 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I really don't know if you're replying to me unless you click the 'REPLY' button--then I get notified!!

  • notorious gold member
    July 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I love your opening line. "ceased to be" sounds delightfully pretentious (LoL Meghan).

    "light's ray"
    I think 'rays' might sound better..

    "running from my escape."
    I think 'eluding' could be used instead...but that may just be me. 'Running' seems a little bland.

    Okay...about the periods at the end of each line--not a fan. It takes away the impact of lines that could easily be more powerful. Plus, it doesn't look very aesthetically pleasing...it gives me this "old-fashioned" vibe.

    Thanks for entering. (:


  • lowercase prelude gold member
    July 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    yea, i can. thanks


    • notorious gold member
      July 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      You should have replied so I knew...but I was rereading the contest entries so it doesn't matter now

  • notorious gold member
    July 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    http://pirate-queen.deviantart.com/art/We-re-not-Angels-91823800
    Tell me if you can't work with it, all right?

1 - 36 of 36