[ the memories come at me ]

the memories come at me
at odd moments- and i am
lost in them completely.
they hold on tightly to me,
won't let me go until they've
had their fun. often it
is when i am alone. i
feel the fingers in my brain,
and then-
              i am trapped in this
ridiculous pantomime. i can
feel the eyes over me again.
i can hear the voices again-
even my own, as my lips
move slightly and sometimes
with sound. my heartbeat matches
events that happened years ago.

and then- suddenly as it came-
it is gone, and i am free again.
i can move my limbs, i can quiet
my lips, i can look away from
the face that isn't there.

why must i remember? it makes no sense.
there is no rhyme or reason to this sequence
of memories. why THEN? why NOW??
i sigh and my hand covers my eyes.
what will be next? what awkward, or
uncomfortable, or fearful moment will i be
forced to relive? will it be cold and lonely,
or hot and prickly? will i feel the knife
in my back, or the icicle through my heart?
every humiliation and betrayal done over? i can
never change the words i said or did not say.
i cannot make it better the next time around.
i've learnt all my lessons already. why must
i be tortured?
they came back on their own, out of nowhere. no
trigger, no reason, no mercy. almost-forgotten
moments rising like vengeful ghosts- what
have i done to provoke them?
i am just trying to live my life.