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a mask is a wilted flower in my family patch

Up the treaded stairway of a brick wall
with open windows and doors,
I say to my mamma,
"It's not peaches
in the air off my fermenting casserole,
it's synthetic"

Bubblegum becomes a gravestone
[shape, coupling sensitivity]-

she wraps her nose
in perennial print













Author notes

brick, pottery, garden

45 words, counted from wordcalc.com



edited again.


old version:

Up the steep brick stairway
with open windows and doors,
I say to my mamma,
"It's not peaches
in my fermenting casserole,
it's synthetic"

Bubble gum stands as a gravestone
in my family patch

In a list

A contest entry

what did you feel I expressed?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • Swan song gold member
    September 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I am not one for many words but there are poems i read and comment on and poems i read and read again and your poem belongs to the latter of that category


  • Sonja
    July 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I see you have a lot of other poets comments and with this kind of poetry you will have them more and more. It was my pleasure to visit your site. And remember, it's not always about trophy, although they shine nice.
    ~Sonja~


  • Cat
    July 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    the final line is great-
    not sure if the opening is an improvement- i didn't think your opening was the main problem

    but that said- your piece is interesting
    and i love that you are willing to play with and texturize your piece

    m

  • Cat
    July 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    lol.. i love dogfish's comment too..
    i am right there with him- i like this
    because it reads tight and interesting- but i feel as though there is enough information missing that it is incomprehensible on its own or as is

    i feel like a full story
    would show up in follow ups or pre-poetry- but it is not here- not yet

    thanks so much for bringing your unique voice to the contest
    m


    • bird at rose
      July 26, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      can i have time to edit by tonight?

      • Cat
        July 26, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        i am commenting on everything now..

        not sure when i will do final judging.. but feel free right up until the end- always an option

        • bird at rose
          July 26, 2008

          Edit | Reply

          done.

          i hope i have sanded your understanding now. and, i credit you all the way back when i entered that tornado-hanger poem, if you remember, for it is very motivating to edit now. in fact, i've try on all my poems since. thank you so much.
          d


  • DogFish silver member
    July 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I don't know why I enjoyed this so much...I don't understand it at all!


    • bird at rose
      July 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I'm glad there was a surface about this poem that made you want to comprehend it, yet I hope I didn't try to force my words out even if you read it many times~ like the key is caught from full meaning... of chemical sensitivity being my topic.

      That was a funny comment, thanks,
      Daisy

1 - 9 of 9