ramrod straight
I face this stubbornness
each night- in the night,
instead of turning
to the warmth, it is cold
bull is snoring
with no pure whistle of melody
where is the lyric I once heard?
too often now
I have awoken to muted words,
an iciness of abandonment
where once skin resided,
a hollow chilled imprint
of the man that was
I see your shadow fill the sun
dark foreboding, fooled by laughter
your defense, steel plates,
sullen shoulders carrying chips
no one can pick at, remove
and sweep away
can you see alone sometimes
even in our crowds,
or families- unknown faces
for I see arrogance
masked across eyes that steal black,
jagged rocks of your own self assurance
selfish weapon to remove my lips
from your mouth of self destruction
fingers pointed to distant doors
of indecision, choices for your guilt
shut behind finality's walls
the lengths I go to
disguising a shortness of breath
inhaling fresh air
without you here
I am here
discovering nothing exists,
you can roar now
and I hear only a whisper escape
becoming a cape,
a matador
just to win for once
A contest entry
- Controlled Vomiting: Can you puke beautifully? by onerios13.
1400 points, ended August 17, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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This sucks. Not the poem.... the fact that there are so many good ones in the contest, this included. Therefore, I'm being forced to nitpick, so bare with me.
In stanza one, the flow feels very stop-and-go, but for some reason, I adored the mention of the bull.
Stanzas two and four have a couple cliche images (ie iciness abandonment, shoulders full of chips) and stanza three is telling, not showing.
That pickiness of mine aside, I believe this is chalk full of emotion. I think some of that emotion gets pushed aside with this need to "clean it up", and there are still sections that aren't as clean as they could be. But I appreciate the genuine attempt to combine both vomit and cleanlieness, cuz Lord knows I don't think I'm brave enough to try. Thanks for entering.
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Shame...
Shame on men who act this way. When there are us who wish for the light of happiness on the other side of our bed. Well written thoughts and feeling here. I send you hugs from the other side of the world.
Best wishes in this contest.
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It happens sometimes. right back at you.
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masked across eyes that steal black,
jagged rocks of your own self assurance
I like this one Juls...I do think the unseen by you line is not needed, but just personal preference. Lovely writing.
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I have read this over a few times and I think you're right. have taken the line out.
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I know this is very personal, and very now in its occurence, i think you controlled it well, but I think there is more to come
Love, C
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