The little brown mouse was not
any ordinary little brown mouse;
he didn’t live, in a field
he lived in a little white house.
The house he lived in was small,
situated on one side of a stream
and to visit the shop on the other side
had been, for ages, his dream.
One day he decided to do a recce,
along the water’s edge he strolled.
Found a frog just finishing his brecky,
and to him his tale he told.
“No problem” croaked the friendly frog,
“just jump here upon my back.
There you’ll be as safe as anything,
as I carry you across and back”.
In the shop the mouse bought a gift for the frog;
paid for with his Master Card of credit.
The frog took just one look at it
and promptly thanked him with a “read it!”’
A contest entry
- TAXI !! by paperparadox.
800 points, ended July 29, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I enjoyed reading this. Good luck in the contest.
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daviscth
Thankyou for reading and commenting and for your very generous applause.
Best wishes from 'down-under'.
Shenton
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A very cute poem good luck in the contest thank you Boog
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Cute story, but I have to agree with paperparadox: it is off metre in too many places.
Well wishes in the contest.
Thank you for sharing.
rous -
LOL...bit of a punch-line there at the end!
Line 18: 'payed (paid) for with his Master Card of credit.'
Cute story told well, although perhaps the meter sags a bit here and there which detracts a little from the overall enjoyment of your poem. If you read it aloud and aim for a rhythmic beat, perhaps you will see what I mean? For example, the first line has 4 syllables (2 iambic beats) yet by the time we get to, say, the first line of the third stanza, we find many more syllables and about 4 beats ~ double what we had in the first line. Do you see what I mean?
I'm not trying to be harsh because I think you've got a great poem here ~ I'd just like to encourage you to tighten your lines up a little in your future works.
Thanks for entering this contest, and very best of luck.
BTW, please do NOT respond to this message until after the judging, to ensure a fair and anonymous contest.
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