Im drenched in self pity,
attempting to find some
kind of an excuse for this
[&& i swear to always try]
My shaky hands scaled down your delicate bone structure;;
You inhaled breakdowns and buried hushed conversations
beneath blemished fairy tales,decayed sunsets spilled over
spider threaded memories of withered dances.We were drunk off
secrets and run away attempts that would have came through if not
for blushing stars and those two faced kisses.
You slid love notes under public bathroom stalls,&& all I could
do was close my eyes [tight] and hope on splintered prayer's
that I would pass out before thees feelings spread to any more of
my nerve endings.It was then i stamped over shapeless dreams and
decided that even if this was all in my head,I would rather fly away
with peter pan then give in to this insignificance.
I slipped on ripped jeans and laced my own drink,because we both know
sweety i just want to get a [grip].Hunger pains were screaming
somewhere in my abdomen and the ugly faces of being let down by so
many people were tattooing themselves to the back of my eyelids.
I tied your hollow eyed looks together with my measuring tapes
and strung them around my own neck
[i need to remember when your gone]
A rush of emotions flooded my circuits and I couldent bring myself
to face what you really mean to me.
Author notes
i really hate chillicrack,
ohh and theese
6) Neon Nails, Pig Tails, and Razor Blade Wails
7) "He tried so hard to understand, what she would never tell him."
were probs my most inspirational.
-------------------------------
&& for the muse contest,opt.3 please
- snowflakes group list • next in list
A contest entry
- *Dirty Pretty* by Brit-Girl.
425 points, ended July 29, 2008, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Set your muse and mine- lot of options by poetic-enigma21.
450 points, ended August 6, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Intense images play with the mind here, touching all the senses, leave an emotional ache.
Superb writing
let the ink flow!
blessings, Sandi
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wow very nic
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I really loved reading this. It gave the feelings life..great job. Excellent write.
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piercing write!
so bold and fearless to write so revealingly!
Strong metaphors and simile of absolute stark writing
beauty!
whoa...i would have slept for a week after writing this!
excellent!
ears/Seattle the imagery was astounding!
damn! way to write!
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oh there, you have chosen one of the most least written on option and have done a onderful job with it.
very interesting and descriptive
your strength seems to be the expressions used in this piece which make your write class apart.
very well done
thanks for sharing
good luck
cheers
shilpa -
"We were drunk off
secrets and run away attempts that would have came through if not
for blushing stars and those two faced kisses."
Really loved that part. I love the unusual pairing of words and unique comparisons here. Very nice job poet! -
please put the option no .
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Cool
Interesting. Very, just interesting.
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Beautiful write
wow this is a really stunning piece. I love the metaphors and imagery and you did so well using dirty-pretty effectively and sparingly. my favourite parts were:
"We were drunk off secrets"
a great line
"blushing stars and those two faced kisses."
i hate those kinds of kisses
"I would rather fly away with peter pan"
me too, i can really relate to this line
and then I loved pretty much the entire last stanza.
Suggestions:
there should be spaces after every punctuation mark like here, "fairy tales,decayed"
i really loved your imaginative wording for this poem however i think that because of the fairly block-like structure of the poem takes away from the flow and power of your piece. Perhaps try reading it through aloud and mark the places where you naturally pause/stop/or take a breath. Just make it sound more natural.
I am really stunned with your eloquence and raw emotions presented in this piece. thank you for your entry, i am really pleased to have had the chance to read this.
Thanks,
Em
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