"Sunshine of my heart!"
"Light of my life!"
I cry out in my troubled sleep.
My dreams are a scratched record.
Because your face is on repeat.
It's perfectly clear
The quality is flawless.
It's just that you never stop.
I wish you could walk my life
The way you stalk my dreams.
And clinging to my dreams
I try to send them your way.
But as I lose hold on sleep
I see my lonely bed.
All my dreams come back
With an ugly red stamp:
"Return to Sender"
And night after night
It's the same story.
If it's true that any thoughts you send out
Come back ten times as strong,
Why aren't you in my arms?
Why don't I wake and see your face beside me,
Instead of just dreaming it so?
Because my telepathic communication returns
With an ugly red stamp:
"Return to Sender"
And as I stand from this pew
I see your face before me.
But with a grimace of pain
You turn toward her.
The girl whose life you walk
And whose telepathic communications
You reciprocate.
My objection dies on my lips.
But my love lingers in my soul.
And all my dreams and thoughts
All my love is returned
For the final time
With that fatal read stamp:
"Return to Sender."
I will keep them to myself now.
Your happiness is enough.
Even if I don't share in it.
Author notes
"Cadaver Cafe: That's some fine dining."
This is option five. It's about a one sided, passionate love. My AP name is Hirestel. I'm eighteen and I have eighteen poems, I believe. Though that may grow a little before the end of the contest. "I love poetry."
A contest entry
- I like variety so I'm giving you lots of options! by the evil angel.
475 points, ended August 27, 2008, 19 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything And Everything by FakingItForReal.
411 points, ended July 27, 2008, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
-
Yeah I already commented on this poem for my contest so I'm not going to do it again.
-
i like the idea of "Return to sender" for telepathic communications. That is very interesting. It's always good to have something unique about your poem that makes it stand out from the rest and yours has it. Very well done on that note. Many people follow the idea of a one sided love, so it's difficult to find a good one, but I really like this one. I don't have any particular thing I can criticise. That is impressive. Very well done. Thanks for entering it in my contest
-
"My objection dies on my lips." that is quite simply my favorite line of this poem.
(In the 7th stanza you have a typo. I know you know how to spell 'red' so that was an honest mistake)
It's easy for the reader to grasp the sincerity of your feelings. I love the idea that you love someone so much that you just want them to be happy, regardless if it means sacrificing your feelings. I know EXACTLY how that is. Don't worry, your not alone.
There is a big issue with flow in your poem.
The first 2 lines are rather cliche.
The first stanza as a whole isn't that great.
It seems as though you like putting many short thoughts as opposed to actually composing with flow.
The short points need to intertwine with each other.
They just seem so randomly placed there.
I also don't like this:
"With an ugly red stamp:
"Return to Sender""
Don't confine your love to the metaphor of a letter.
Go above and beyond with metaphors,
They are in my opinion one of the keys to composing amazing poetry.
Speaking of metaphors and such, this poem is very direct. Make the reader have to think twice about what your trying to convey.
Nobody would still be talking about Edgar Allen Poe's poem "The Raven" if he just put:
"She died,
I'm reading,
Crying,
And I feel bad"
I still have to give you props for the poem though, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I relate to every single line of this, but relation isn't what makes a poem.
Don't think that this comment means I'm telling you that you suck and should leave.
Writing is a very hard thing to do;
You should be applauded for anything you manage to put on the page.
Thanks for entering, sorry if you were offended.
Don't take any of it personal. -
i really like this one ur poems are brilliant
-
Thanks for following ze rulez! I'll comment on the actual poem later
-
good
yeah. that stamp imagery was a good one. keep it up! -
excellent poem, i can really relate. you are a wonderful writer and ill be reading more of your work alyce
Adding your comment:
1 - 7 of 7
