As I sit here and think about things I get to thinking about my scars and how they tell a story of who I am. Though they are only one part of the story they are a pathway from one story to the next, nothing more than a crosswalk from here to there. Today they have become the pathway telling the story of my journey through depression to the slow realization that I need Jesus and ending with the beginning of my next story: my life with my husband Phil. It was a path walked on for a little over a year, a path of loneliness, pain, tears, and frustration. I think back to that first cut made on my leg and I can’t even recall why I did it. I never thought “Hey maybe cutting would make things worse.” I was alone and picked up a knife and started cutting (or more like sawing since it was a regular old kitchen life). From that day on I wanted to try again, slowly perfecting the art from a kitchen knife to a craft knife ending in the ever so famous razor blade. It was like one cut became five to close to a hundred all in a matter of that year. One could only imagine how many there would have been if it went on any longer. The scars are there some big and red others mostly faded; many will be there for the rest of my life. They will always serve as reminders of that pathway.
It is such a strange concept how that when we get a paper cut it hurts but when I would cut it rarely hurt during the act; though afterwards it sometimes hurt a ton though I never minded since it reminded me of the cut. Cutting is like any other addiction it can take over your mind which is what it done to me. I found that cuts hurt the most when I cut to feed the addiction not the emotional pain that was raging inside of me.
Since cutting is a coping mechanism like reading, journaling or running it is a way to deal with our emotions. It is a very unhealthy mechanism but sometimes it becomes the only thing keeping us alive. I know that very well since there was many a night that I just wanted to die and the thoughts of suicide would dance around my head for hours. When I would take the razor to my skin and watch the blood flow down those thoughts stood still and I could deal with them. The ugly side of cutting is that it becomes an addiction. As with any addiction it can take over your life and that thing that use to help with the suicidal thoughts, the abuse coming your way or whatever else was going on becomes a thing driving us to cut. There was many a time that the thoughts to cut would run through my head to the point where they would win. It was then that the cutting hurt the most and when the guilt set it. Like an addiction when the thoughts aren’t there it is easy to say that “ I won’t cut again” and then the thoughts come and you are back in the bathroom with the razor giving your life back to the razor that is now controlling you.
Cutting is a scary thing. While it kept me alive it also has the power to kill. I saw its strength the day that I hit a vein and the blood kept running. With my heart racing I did all that I knew to stop the bleeding and I am to this day thankful that it did stop. That may not be the case for all of us “cutters” for always remember the blade is very powerful more powerful than we will ever think in the middle of our inner turmoil.
Author notes
This is not a poem but a way to speak out to those that deal with cutting or want to know about it. It is my story, my struggle in words for all to read and think about. Thank you all for taking the time to read it.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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This is very deep and emotional (:
i too have gone through nearly the same thing as you so this really hits a nerve..
you just reminded me how hard it was to quit and how proud i am of my self for doing it ...
you also reminded me what an addiction cutting really is and what a struggle those afflicted with the addiction go through..
im so glad that you wrote this ..people need to know ..major applause (:
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wow ... such a powerful write i to was in that dark place and have gottin out ... somedays i feel like going back but i always manage to push that thought back ... ...
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unspeakable
i nearly lost my life to suicide i have the scars and the heartache of it. i lost my dad to suicide he did it the nasty was and tok a long sreak knife and slit his own throat. i have lost contless people to drugs and suicide but i have also saved many by telling them my story. thank you for posting this it may even save someone the turmoil of learning that cutting and suicide will never be the right way to go. its like i say "suicide is a permant fix to a temoray problem". i hope that you are happier now with your husband phil.having someone there with you often helps you cope with the pain without causing self harm. have a wonderful night or day your friend, clara
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Wow! The things I'd like to say. I'm glad to have read this, poem or no. It's good to hear a survival story more so than others that do not seem to leave me with much hope. I have cut for 5 years and though I really don't see any stop in the near future without any drastic measures being taken, I really appreciate finding someone who understands the toll it can take on someone's life and still know it can be survived. I've tried, given up, and it all still follows me. I can't stop my addiction but I give all my hope to those who can and have. Thank you for writing this!
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I guess, first, thanks for writing this. I love it.
Secondly, the way it is written, just a diary entry of sorts. But it flows like a poem.
Third, My opinion. Cutting is the power to kill, there is no doubt about that. It is a horrible thing, that to many people, myself included, have done. And the reality is, it doesn't help. Now, I have quit. Looking back on it, yeah, it did help at the time, but now, it scars me, literally. Having been a cutter in my past, I regret it now, now that I have quit. And knowing that, I still want to.
Cutting is the one thing that has the power to control ones life, it is a horrible thing to get in to, and sadly, I still have the urge to do it often.
Alas, back to my statement before, thanks for writing this.
Gwen
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I am glad someone decided to write this. People need to know, and the way you wrote it was helpful and wonderful to read. Great work.
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I never thought I'd find something on this site that was about self-injury and didn't glorify it.
This was a nice read, thought that's not to call the topic nice.
Congratulations on your strength to overcome this trying issue.
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Well explained!!
I loved reading this! I know it makes people feel so understood. I no longer do this; due to almost the same incident. Sometimes that’s all we need is that one time we go to far and scared ourselves. However, even after that feeling is still there. I really enjoyed reading this girl! GOOD JOB!!
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Well explained.
Cutting is a way of life, it's just like Anti-Depression pills for me. Now, if you say "I cut myself." people are to call you Emo. I have cut myself since I was 12 & it has always helped, cutting is really hard to explain, like why you would do it, just to add more pain, in my eyes, if I cut myself, it's better than hurting others, cutting just feels good when your hurt enough! But in other peoples eyes, it's different. I still have the urge to get my razor or anything sharp that is near me, & sometimes I'll cut enough just to bleed.
You have explained this very good, I'm glad your came over your "Addiction", & I hope you dont have mess ups. Good luck & congrats.
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Well done and well portrayed, you have showed the danger that many of us have faced, and many of us have been saved from, including myself. I too discovered how powerful the blade was and then it was too late to change my mind at how deep I cut...
This speaks out so well. Your struggle is that like many others.
Well done and thank you for sharing.
Angua
XoXoX
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I'm in tears....
Wow. This really hit me hard. I don't now and never have "cut" but I have hurt myself in other ways just to know I still feel physicaly even when I can't feel emotionally anymore. Terrific way to reach out to others and I give you major Kudos. You are a great person, if this hasn't reached anyone at all, it has reached me down to the core. Great write hun! Keep up the good work!
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wow, this is great. its like you read my mind.
i always would cut on sides of my stomache, cause i was afraid to die from popping a vein like my dear friend.
ive overcome my addiction and im glad you did too, beautiful right. -
Yeah. Totally agree. Unfortunately, I was already a firm believer in Christ when I started to cut.
Wow. I just realized that I've already commented on this and bookmarked it. Oh well. I loved reading it through a second time! lol
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wow, thank you for taking the time to write this, i can relate to this so much as i also used to cut, i know how it takes over slowly killing you ut at the same time keeping us alive, this was brilliantly written and shows that not all "cutters" are just attention seekers who think that its cool. we´re really not that diffwerent to alcoholics are drug takers its just that our scars are more visale.
fantastic x
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i know how u feel i used to be addicted to cutting myself, but thankfully i was able to stop wen i realized i cudve died if i hadnt stopped the bleeding...id hit the vein in my wrist had to go to the hospital, and get stitches....even though that was 2yrs ago, u can still see the scar.
loved ur 'poem' it brought back some memories of my past which is good cuz i never want to forget.
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I often look at my scars and think about the stories they tell. I knew that a friend had been a cutter and I figured that if he did it then it would work for me. I started with a razor blade. I could have changed my mind so many times because of how long it took me to get the blade separated from a razor. It never hurt to cut except one time. It hurt really bad and the only way that I could bear the pain was to focus all of my hate and anger at one person. The reason that I was making the cut. Cuts hurt afterwards because I made them hurt. I wanted to feel that pain. It was the only thing that kept me alive. I cut during school, at the psycologists, he never even noticed. The only difference with me, is that I planned to hit a bunch of veins and the end of a rollarcoaster ride, the farthest one from the nurses station and kill myself. Lucky me, I'm still alive. Great story. I can really relate.
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emotional..touching..very deep..i remember a friend once telling me...life cuts u...sometimes u have to cut back...but i told her..when life cuts u..u feel pain..when u cut back..u still feel pain...nothing is ever simple..and nothing is ever resolve by taking the easy way.,.
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Nothing is simple..Getting from New York to Frankfurt for example, There are many airlines,cruise ships to take. You can take a private jet or plane. A cabin cruiser all along the coast if you want,maybe even a hot air balloon. Just what is the easy way? Ive heard that said about suicide and so much more. I believe death sounds better than more of the life am in,If it were easy I would not be here
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You are beautiful= your desire to share your dark parts and the battles from there to here..I can not remember who you are- everyone changed their names while I was at battle..but you are on my friends list so... from here I will say much love to you..I wish you great things and comfort. One more thing = It is not just about cutting,that word can be changed to many....Mark
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Wow. That was really touching, and actually a wonderful representation of what cutting really is. I never cut myself just for the point of doing it, my cuts were all suicide attempts that never worked out. Although we cut for different reasons, this really reminds me of mine and the thoughts going through my head at the time. I'm glad you put this up for people to read and learn how it really is a problem, and can't be stopped for some people. I really hope your life has gone past this point, and gotten much better. I give you all the respect in the world for sharing this and giving hope to those who are lost in this crazy maze we call life. Thank you.
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