Folding, flattening, fingering
shapes shifting, sliding
across a desk as thoughts flicker-
changing halfway through,
messages lost in time.
Translation, transmutation
or was it something else;
where did every meaning go,
were they lost upon saddened shelf?
Wooden surfaces laugh haphazardly,
filling with paper shapes.
Shaped by turmoil obsession,
left meaningless by obscurity.
Subliminal contexts
wrap crocheted nooses tighter
around ivory necks-
twisting silver knives deeper.
Forgoing introductions-
in search for more pleasurable deceptions.
Author notes
-The Origami count hit Nineteen and stopped. It was then that I realized you intend to die that night.
PO Contest
My sister has it stuck in her head that I plan to kill myself the night before my 19th birthday... I do everything in 19's.... So I suppose that's much my fault. But.. It's so perfectly imperfect that number..
1+9= 10
1+0= 1
It boils down to one.. Just like everything else in the world.
It's also one off from twenty.. A perfect number.
It's odd. Nothing multiplies to make it.
It has two digits- yet is odd.
Nine is also the year- right before preteens.
It has an even number of syllables...
My list could go on.. But for whatever my reasons- I love the number so.
and according to my sister- hate myself enough not to disgrace it.
-huffs- I really don't get her reasoning- but she hasn't been quite right in awhile, and I can't blame her for getting weird notions in her head.
But the quote struck me.. and won't let me go.
Besides- it's much better than my last inspiration.
but it still has been almost 2 months since my last write.
So this is a poem about the messed up messages our subconscious minds can read into innocent actions.
Oh. And as for the crocheted noose line..
I crocheted the rope for a noose.
A tiny noose ^^' for a project I had to do on the French Revolution and the bloodied time that came with.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended July 21, 2008, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Be harsh, be specific.
Comments
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Hello Kristen :)
Yes, I do agree with your other Judges.....however....I believe this is the best write out of this weeks entries......and the reason I say that, is because you took this so deep, that we all had to read your Notes to understand it ~
....and then, as abstract as it was, the write turns out to be Genius....in my honest opinion ~
I would not dwell on your sisters thoughts.....God has your life planned out for you, not anyone else......and if God wanted you to know you were going to die, He would not go through your sister to tell you ~
Of course, with that said, I will probaly get allllll kinds of mail back from those who read this and say I am wrong ~
Whatever ~
I enjoyed this write, and you brought back images of my youngest son, now almost 18.....he LOVES origami ~
:)
The concentration of origami is ridiculous, and the intense look on my boys face when he is crafting those little works of Art is everlasting.....thank you for bringing me creativity in your Theme this week ~
Good luck and God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 9.9...loved it....great choice after all -
Flow 9.85....nice job -
Depth 9.85....lots of depth -
Theme 9.9...Nicely chosen -
Feelings 9.1..lots of emotions going on...not too many feeling -
Grammar 9.65...a qucik read with better than average grammatical choices -
Presentation 9.85....simple stanzas....lines are about the right length -
Uncommonness 9.9...orignal -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.6...I did ponder...especially after I read your notes.....but don't rely on Notes to always make your point or get your Theme across -
Ability to follow Rules 10...perfectfrom what I can see -
Bears Score: 97.60
Excellent job!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Hi, and welcome to the POW.
I really agree with my co-judges. I love the words you've chosen. It's quite good in that regard. But, I also had some trouble finding what you were pin-pointing this to. Most parts were confusing, especially without the author notes. Overall I love the words, just wish they had more clarity.
Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck...I hope you aren't discouraged by any of the critiques you've gotten here, remember it's not a measure of your talent as a writer, just an opinion of this particular piece of writing...which may actually score better than a review makes it sound.
I hope you return to the POs in the future, I'd love to see more of your work!
Best wishes,
~J.
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I have the words but mess up the meaning? =o Why I think I've heard this before in ... not so nice terms..
My teacher calls me an eloquent airhead.
I'm not discouraged in the least- I'll just have to work on my focus sometimes.
Thanks for all the time and effort you guys put in the contest.
-Danneh
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Hello and welcome to the POW contest this write for me was tough to get through as I felt it was confusing a bit in some areas but after reading it a few times it becamse easier for me and my mind did not stumble over itself
so much. Goodluck in the contest my score will be posted at the end of the contest. -
I love your wording in this - but really wasn't sure what you were talking about. You have some great images.
all in all - a very nice entry.
** No editing once a judge has commented.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
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Hi, and welcome to the POW! Good to have you here!
Love this write. A couple of stumbles, but overall, fantastic and fascinating.
Stanza three, lines 2 and 3..great lines, each, but the back to back use of shapes and shaped made me stumble. After the contest I would suggest changing one of these words. Perhaps 'formed' for 'shaped', or something along those lines.
Final line: I know 'of' is a banned word, but the common phrase is 'in search of'...'in search for' seems awkward. I would suggest 'searching for' as an alternative..or, since you won't be bound by PO rules, 'in search of'.
Other than those small stumbles, I found this to be nicely crafted, even if your premise is a bit convoluted and strange, and, as one commenter pointed out..not even valid..
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented! -
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-chuckles- Your comment on the banned word made people think I edited it out.. I didn't, did I?
I'll be sure to change that.. Formed is a good word instead of shaped.
Mhmm, I'm not always quite.. here I suppose but I write my AN as I write the poem itself, not before or after.. So I write what's flickering through my head. They don't always turn out quite the same.
Thanks for your time, without judges, these lovely contests wouldn't continue.
-Danneh
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Aloha and Welcome to POW!!!
I must confess...I am totally lost by the origami statement....And your poem...has me wondering what you are talking about....as mentioned, different tenses...
and not terribly focused...I am presuming you were doing origami cranes...got to 19...stopped...
Love the first line:
Wooden surfaces laugh haphazardly,
filling with paper shapes.
Shaped by turmoil obsession,
BUT: Shapes....shaped....try to find another word for one...maybe...paper shapes..."molded" by turmoil.."formed" ...anything but shapes ...shaped...
My score will appear in the final notes...Best wishes in the contest! Hope to see you and your talents back next week!
Write on!
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented on your entry.
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Eep, I hadn't notice the repetition of the Shapes thing. I'll be sure to find a different word once I may edit.
I'm horribly unfocused ^^' both on and off paper- but thank you for all your time and effort
-Danneh
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whoa out of the first 6 words, 5 of them end in 'ing'. craziness.
lol and I don't understand your obsession with 19, it's a pretty ordinary number, pretty much the same as 11, 13, 17 under all your guidelines.
"Nothing multiplies to make it."
wut? lol. 9.5 x 2 = ? you could come up with an infinite number of combinations that can be multiplied to 19
anyway I just had to comment on those three points but yeah this is a very good write (good job on all the rules by the way), you have some nice vocab and word choices in here as well. It was definitely fun to read. Good luck in the contest (=
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I think she's referring to Prime number.
^^' She should have said Integer..
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Hey babe-
You shifted tenses.
Folded. Flattening. Fingering.
you have two ings, and an ed.
Transmutation?
I didn't like Biology the first time around.. You and that damn song.
I don't get the last two lines D.. They throw me off for some reason.
Anyway- good luck and glad to see you back writing.
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