What a horrible race are we?
Living in this web of lies we weave,
Children molested, women raped,
Ten-year olds with their eyebrows shaped.
The gifted child on a unique track,
Bullied and jeered into joining the pack.
Originality is lost, morals are few,
'Cos that's not what the 'cool' people do.
Wanna solve your problems? Win a fight?
Gonna need a gun if you're doing it right
Or if you really want to prove how mature you can be,
Why not get pregnant, at age fifteen?
The gullible at twelve, think it's cool to puff.
The addict at sixteen, just can't get enough.
Half brothers, half daughters, step sisters, step sons,
More complicated families than simple whole ones.
Indeed as a people we've committed a crime.
The future of our child is far from sublime.
So who shall we blame when a baby opens her eyes,
Gets bullied, gets raped, gets shot - and dies?
A contest entry
- Rhyme. Bring in your masterpieces! by Never Fall in Love.
1300 points, ended July 27, 2008, 20 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Have you ever... by Age of Rain.
1300 points, ended July 31, 2008, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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An amazing work. Great statements. perhaps a different title, or maybe I got lost--sorry
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No i don't think you got lost. A lot of people ask me about the title. Basically i wrote this at a point when i was really really frustrated with the people around me, with the news, with my friends' problems that i had to deal with and at that point it all felt as though the world i know, at the rate it's going now, is setting itself up for destruction! I don't know if that makes sense, but i was very angry, and thats usually when my best and favourite work comes out!
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Great job. Well written, well said, well paced, and with a lot of truths to be thought about. It is unfortunate that so many of the young have a hard time trying to live. So much put in their way to stumble over. You captured the essence of the whole futility of our world. A oity we could not do more to change it all for the better.
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of course, I clicked on the "return the favor" link at the bottom of the message generated for your comment to one of my poems... and normally, when I do that I come across a pretty lame piece of work. but not only is this a good piece, with a nice flow and setup, it's almost exactly how I feel about the future.
nice job
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Really well writtenand so very true. Alot rest on personal responsability but also a huge part of it is what we glorify as a society. The poem is very well written and the rhyme is good. There are a few spots where the rhyme isnt perfect but its not noticeable enough to effect the flow and the rhythm itself is really only broken once. You did a great job writing this poem.
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it won gold so it cannot win here. Bu best of luck in your other contests!
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thanks anyway...i won after i entered ur competition but no biggie thankyouu
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Speaks a lot about the society around us - this is vivid and evocative and has great potential. Brave use of rhyme for its subject matter - again try and play with the run on lines/enjambement and punctuation. As you have no punctuation in line 3 it sounds like it's the women who have raped the ten year olds - it's amazing how punctuation can so create ambiguity - have a play around with it, I'd like to see where you take it. Brave subject matter, one I'm too wussy to tackle myself!
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hahaha thank you for that!!! i didnt even notice!!! i think i typed it out in too much of a hurry because i handwrite all my poems when composing them and just quickly type them out!!! now that you've told me thats really funny thaaaanks!! <3
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bloody amazing [excuse the french]
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I don't know if I would equate raw "vomit" poetry (as onerios likes to call it) with such a generalized word as "we". It's such a social word, encompases more than something that's personal. It's hard for me to read this as a personal piece (and therefore "raw" in my eyes) because it feels like a lecture on society, verses the spewing of personal experiences, goals, ideals, thoughts, etc. Basically, I don't feel anything of YOU here. Thank you for entering, though this isn't what we're looking for
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awesome, this deserves to win :]
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haha thank you!!!!
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