Red wild fires,
unexplained eyes,
silently watching and measuring
every movement made.
The green of your envy
it outweighing adoration.
Author notes
Photo: http://littlemewhatever.deviantart.com/art/Tangled-ll-87656256
A contest entry
- Individualized Pictures #3 reMIXED by notorious.
2788 points, ended August 1, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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'wildfires' is ONE word BTW.
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I am all for brevity; ...but I think this should be expanded a bit; like add another stanza.
You do not need the commas or periods; pausing at the end of the line is more than sufficient for this.
My edits:
Red wild fires
(surround/encase) >maybe?
unexplained eyes
silently watch and measure
every movement
The green of your envy
outweighs adoration
You use too many 'ing'..... because of it's brevity; the poem was drowning in them. And you need to break apart the lines that end in 's' that are too close to each other ; like L1 and L2 .
This was rather boring. I did love the first line; and i think expanding will increase the substance of this.
thanks for entering and g'luck
~Pt
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"unexplained eyes"
That's a really good phrase that could be so ambiguous.
"silently watching and measuring"
Okay...you don't need an 'and' here...it could just be "silently watching/measuring every movement made."
You could also say "made movements" if you so desired...
"it outweighing adoration."
Interesting...but what's the 'it' doing in this line??
Tell me when you edit (and possibly expand) this.
Thanks for entering (: -
http://littlemewhatever.deviantart.com/art/Tangled-ll-87656256
Again, tell me if your muse is dead.
But you have lots of time... -
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I would sincerely appreciate another picture. =]
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You in the mood for anything specific? e.g. dark, fashion/glamor, pretty, fantasy, love (I doubt it, for you LoL)...
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LMAO thanks for entering by my request Phlegmo
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