I counted constellations
the tips of your fingers
tracing bears and unicorns
against my eyes
a song I swallowed
to hold its melody
closer than your body
for every mile
the world kept us apart
each night I joined the dots
firing arrows from my room
the pluck and string of a golden bow
across horizon's fading arch
hoping it would hit the target
where our universe would collide
creating Venus and shining forever
Author notes
http://captoctavius.deviantart.com/art/We-lost-the-skyline-84227524
In a list
A contest entry
- Individualized Pictures #3 reMIXED by notorious.
2788 points, ended August 1, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 39 of 39
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congratulazioni !
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I'm shooting for you, Bronzer
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shooting? Can ya aim the arrow straight at Dan and prod him into life lol
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I don't know. He better not be getting complacent.
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sigh...no just a little down in the dumps tonight
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You or him? *is bloody confused* LoL
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lol him...has a month to find a new place to live, getting him down
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Oh my GOD. Well, I hope his stupid ass Gold Oscar helps him out a bit in an inconsequential sorta way
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"a song I swallowed
to hold its melody
closer than your body"
I adore this stanza and the conclusion. So many conclusions I've read today have been weak summations... but your poem is entirely different.
Great work!
-hiraeth -
I liked this. It's strong. Love the lack of punctuation. It's very appropriate for the poem.
I believe 'horizons' should have an apostrophe 'horizon's '
Also the comma in line 2 doesn't seem to be really necessary; since you don't use them for the rest .
Otherwise; I really enjoyed this. Can't find anything I didn't really like
; and I've been on a tirade today with criticism . thank for your entering this fine piece and g'luck!
~Pt
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You really have been, I'm so much nicer (: Although of course, the shit entries don't win shit!
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the truth is the truth is the truth. I'm tired of leaving fluff in my comments.
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I would do that too, but then I'd be saying the 'f' word for every other word, and the moderators would probably get upset with me for swearing at bad entries
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Hey can anyone join in this convo or what? 
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sure
thanks for bringing my IQ back up with you poem!!...with all the dismal poetry I've read today... it went from 140 to 50 really fast. -
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That's some "mad math" there
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This is great! I loved reading. It was very passionate in a way. Great job with the picture and good luck in the contest. ^^
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Oh yeah...credit the artist in your AN...I forgot.
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"the pluck & string of a golden bow"
I LOVE THAT
Oh yes, and "firing arrows" is more groovy & flame-y..more you, might I add.
Nice edits -
Luvit!
Good luck in the contest.
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I loved the lines "a song I swallowed
to hold its melody
closer than your body"
That was so romantic, that intensity of feeling for someone when you can't ever seem to get close enough to them. Wonderful poem!
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Stellar write! (no pun intended) Lovely voice here Cheryl, bathed in a most romantic light.
All the best,
Love and peace always,
mj.
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This was a pleasure to read
i loved every word, Good luck in the caontest...mac -
This was a pleasure to read
i loved every word, Good luck in the caontest...mac
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I am now leaving the contest.
Stanza 2......sigh
I adore this piece Chez
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You get your ever loving ass back in here, I am not playing alone lol you can do keanu I just know it will be good, I'll help you by removing...oops children present...I'll tell you in private
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"you can do Keanu" HAHAHAHAHAAHAH!
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Agh I knew I would regret giving you a pretty picture--you'd turn it into something love-infused...
HAHAHAHAH but of course, it's eloquently written, so it's okay.
"I counted constellations"
LoL Nice
"tracing bears & unicorns"
Okay, my weakness is unicorns...how did you know this? This is really abstractly awesome...has this ethereal feel, which I guess isn't surprising considering this is a love poem.
"a song I swallowed
to hold its melody"
Really clever, considering the piano in the pic.
"I joined the dots"
Constellations anyone? Intelligently written.
"sending arrows from my room"
I don't like the word 'sending' much here...why not 'arcing' or 'flaming' (you know, like your fiery username) or something else?? Plus, with the whole archery aspect...I think it could be expanded with by mentioning a metaphorical bow (or a literal one)...just some ideas, tell me if you take any. (:
"creating Venus and shining forever"
Ooh. Very cool mention of another planet. Oddly enough, the one that's almost the same size as Earth...groovy
Thanks for entering & good luck
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Me will rethink stanza I think and it will do nicely
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http://captoctavius.deviantart.com/art/We-lost-the-skyline-84227524
Really pretty & quite a normal picture (by that, I mean it's not a picture of Keanu Reeves/The Matrix/lemon cupcakes) -
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what the heck, she gets this and I get a sketch of Keanu!?!?!? is that even fair? hahahah sooooo j/k
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Stop complaining You're the only one who wouldn't reject the picture of him..=] I have a feeling
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Jessica isn't a bully!!!
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me nods and says yes and cynical too lol but I lubbers my sissy
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Why? cause I'm awesome?
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yes you are awesomeness itself!
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AHAHAHAHAHA why thank you *dignified moment*
Props if you mentioned constellations in your poem..I swear to God, I just noticed one in the pic..
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Oh I noticed it already so there
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You don't play nice!
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