Upon pencil to paper
I've discovered
that wherever I
start sketching
you're the final
layer of blending
No matter my intent
from butterflies
to bouncing roos
lines always
trace themselves
back to where
my heart lacks closure
The spill of regret
tastes so bitter
and I consume it
spitting abstract art
upon a canvas
Where I could peel back
weathered edges
inverting negatives
that graphite might become
a darker shade of truth
I would run my emotions
as pages through a washer
if I thought it might
rid me of your stain
But it always ends
as lint from trap to trash
kicked across the floor
of a tired laundromat
Someday I might find
a way to rewrite my epilogue
and pull free from threaded bonds
but for now the ability
to edit lies with you...
Somewhere in the Philippines
Author notes
My thoughts on the supplied picture:
http://sakasagami.deviantart.com/art/Keanu-WIP-85128058
Very personal so please, constructive criticism only.
(And no my father is not Keanu)
A contest entry
- Individualized Pictures #3 reMIXED by notorious.
2788 points, ended August 1, 2008, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 56 of 56
-
congratttttttttsssssssssssssssssssssssssssss !
....yes. I felt the need to exaggerate
-
Interesting take - what is revealed in a drawing, a lot about the artist. I like that "Where I could peel back weathered edges inverting negatives that graphite might become a darker shade of truth," and "I would run my emotions as pages through a washer if I thought it might ride me of your stain," ends as lint (dang! really like that), kicked across the floor and pull free from threaded bonds. wow
Congratulations on the gold. -
I hope you're grateful that I was arguing with Sailor Ptolema about this damn trophy. =]
-
I understand the significance of what you wrote here and so glad you got the gold
Love you infinity 
-
My. Effing. God.
-
Is there any significance of you choosing "wherever" over "whenever"?? (first stanza) Does the 'wherever' have any significance related to the Philippines?? Because...upon rereading, I don't really think it matters WHERE you draw...but when. If there is, I want an explanation
Or...something.
LMAOLMAO at Meghan's comment...I don't think she's given anybody criticism-free comments.
-
-
No significance here. i think it works either way.
-
-
Well if it doesn't matter, can it be "whenever"?
-
-
-
"The spill of regrets
taste bitter" >>>you can leave off the 's' and 'or'
"or I'd just devour the page
and spit abstract art
upon a canvas">>>>>>>this seems a tad awk. grammatically.
kay; end of critique.
I loved this; have no idea how you got it from the sketch lol but you took it far
I'm being objectively honest when I say i loved it.
thanks for entering and g'luck!
~Pt
-
-
Told you, told you it was damn good
-
-
Bro.. I'm not sure I can give you a comment worthy of this amazing write
I'll just say.. it reminded me of my relationship with my own father.. and I'm tearing up for you .. and well, that's all I need to say other than, I love this amazing write!
-
-
We keep finding more in common as we go. Sucks it has to be the negatives.
Thank you for the wonderful comment sis and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
-
-
Yes.. well.. we'll make those commonalities postives!
-
-
-
And you put in kangaroo's because he lies closer to me than you do....we never let go of the ties that bind us together hun, no matter where they are, they are inside you and I am so glad he made you for me to love C
-
If your dad was Keanu Reeves, wouldn't that be NIFTY
Excuse me.
About your poem..
"I've discovered
that wherever I
start sketching
you're the final
layer of blending"
Haha!! I knew you would be able to come up with the most cohesive metaphors for the pic, and how awesome (not necessarily what you mean, but the words you chose)
"from butterflies
to bouncing roos"
Bouncing roos? Like, kangaroos? Like, Meghan?!!
HAHAHAHA
"lines always
trace themselves
back to where
my heart lacks closure"
DAMN, that is so deep, heartfelt & well-written...not to mention, good use of the prompt with the whole lines ditty.
"and spit abstract art
upon a canvas"
Makes me think of Jackson Pollock!! Really cool metaphors here..."You disappoint me, so I give you random paints." Well, that's what I got from it, LoL.
"that graphite might become
a darker shade of truth"
I LOVE THAT.
"Someday I might find
a way to rewrite my epilogue
and pull free from threaded bonds
but for now the ability
to edit lies with you..."
I didn't see any obvious Neoisms, so I will decide to interpret this as three-fourths personal, one-fourth Neoism.
The Neoism of course would lie in the ability to edit--programs can edit, can't they?
Apart from my attempt to find The Matrix here, that was a really awesome stanza...it has...vulnerability, good words & metaphors..and oh hell, I just like it okay?!
(:
"Somewhere in the Philippines"
Random & yet not so random. It's cool.
Thanks for not rejecting the picture (:
-
-
Hehe yeah my dad lives in the Philippines if I have not already told you that.
-
-
I didn't know!! Are you..partially Asian?
Oh yeah, I have to ask--what part of Keanu Reeves made you think of your dad? LMAO I'm curious!!
-
-
No I'm not. His wife he has now is from there so they moved back.
It wasn't so much that it was Keanu, just that it was a male form and the idea of drawing brought me to the only male I would probably ever draw. So there you have it.
-
-
LoL, well if you were part-Asian, we could have high-fived, but I guess not...LoL I can high-five you for something else though
Is there no Neoism?
-
-
Sadly no because it was too much of a personal write to make a pop culture reference.
We can high five for bubble tea YES!! -
-
You could have lied to me & told me there was a Neoism.
BUBBLE TEA hell yeah!!!
*gets out poopy-colored straw*
*high-fives* -
-
Oh ummmm I mean the bit about the washer was about Neo washing his hair because Smith threw oil at him.....I got nothing.
it was urine colored damnit!
-
-
LoL!! (for real) "because Smith threw oil at him" This never happened, did it? anyways.
Urine-colored? No way. It was definitely feces of the puppy -
-
No i just made something up
remember I said I wanted a green glitter crazy straw! -
-
Yeah, but then I gave you shit.
-
-
haha lol
-
-
So, I never did ask what flavor(s) you like. Everybody's a sucker for mango though
-
-
of bubble tea?
-
-
No, of gum..Yes, of course bubble tea!! (:
-
-
Hehe!!
Peach all the way baby!! -
-
Peach is damn good..especially with mango
-
-
No mango damnit!!
-
-
You...*gasp* DON'T LIKE MANGOES?!
-
-
Not in my peach bubble tea!!!! Invader of flavor it is!!!!!!! Now I sound like Yoda or something
-
-
"Invader of utopia" would make you Smith.
Yoda...LoL
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
g'luck with that photo/sketch! lol
-
-
Shut up Roo
-
-
mwahahahahahha
-
-
Oh come on, you know Keanu is the shit
-
-
-
-
I'll be the one doing the polishing here lol she is way to young to attempt it
-
-
LMFAO!!!! You should enter Fireshooter
-
-
http://sakasagami.deviantart.com/art/Keanu-WIP-85128058
It's not The Matrix, but you're going to laugh at me.
-
-
Oooooo I can take this in a lot of different direction. I shall take it!!!! THANKIES!!!!!!!!
-
-
An allusion to Keanu Reeves/The Matrix (however MINISCULE) would be very, very, very, very, very nifty
-
-
perhaps, but if I do it will be very subtle as I am running dry on Neoisms lol. First you ran me out of lemon cupcakes and now Matrix
-
-
LMFAO!! I actually laughed out loud like a freak. "Neo-isms" That is brilliant. If it's subtle, you better explain in detail on your AN, and perhaps add "just for one of the lame geeky judges" (:
You..ran out of cupcake-isms?! Oops, sorry.
-
-
Haha damn!!! I knew I should have saved that for the poem
-
-
LMAO you can still use it
-
-
-
-
-
-
hahaha its as close as you could get!!!
-
-
LMAO it's a nice picture, be quiet
-
-
-
You is funny!
-
-
LoL you talk like a high-school kid! (Or at least, one of my immature friends). It's awesome LMAO
-
-
-
-
(: Why are you so modern?!! LoL it's technologic
-
-
-
Good to see you smiling sis.
-
-
LMAO at your res title
Let me find you something genius Dan
Adding your comment:
1 - 56 of 56
