I awoke
From cinnamon bun reveries
Only to crash inside
Napalm reality.
I didn't think I could be this girl
Not since the day I walked out,
Moncton was never the same after you died.
Fixation of a different kind,
My steel magnolias taste like
Carbonated water erupting from a tap
To burn my eyes.
You didn't come to my surprise party,
And I couldn't go to your funeral.
All is fair in love and death.
Sitting upon the park bench I exhale
Poisoned memories of your veins bursting
The needle in my hand possesses your name
But I'm caught and charged for possession.
You never let me learn my lesson,
and your crutch became my cross to bear.
Daddy,
I miss your heroin promises.
Author notes
You can't break liquid.
A contest entry
- Kill me with the last line. by Loki.
1750 points, ended July 25, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
From The Vault To Your Eye Sockets
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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I'm left
Speachless.
...Raw talent and emotion. Wonderful.
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This was fabulous. I really liked your word usage. It really helped your poem come alive.
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c.c
This is fantastic. WHEW. keyboards.
oh man.
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this is really good, i wish you luck in the contest.
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Oh, Sweet Jesus.
powerful stuff
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First off...the title caught my eye, then your first stanza caught the other and didn't let go.
Great job.
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"My steel magnolias taste like
Carbonated water erupting from a tap
To burn my eyes."
Those are possibly the best lines you've ever written. I have little to no idea what exactly they mean, but they sound awesome in my mind. The rest of the poem too, especially the last two lines, are very impactful. You did a great job with the prompt, I'm not sure if this came from experience or from your mind but wherever it came from it's metal.
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Hi Daemon Faery
Reading more of your talent. Loved this! The ending is so sad! I loved the lines:
' awoke
From cinnamon bun reveries
Only to crash inside
Napalm reality.'
Sometimes the morning can crash in on us like this, bringing reminders of our sorrows.
For me the best lines are:
' You never let me learn my lesson,
and your crutch became my cross to bear.
It's a hard call trying to put an old head on young shoulders, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try because there are those who will listen hopefully before it is too late.
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great write, thanks for entering.
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ooh wow katie this is amazing, as always your poems came off so strongly and so powerfully, i miss you
i hope your ok, and things are going ok,
love you,
kitty xxx -
Great expression of emotions and it's evident that there are strong feelings towards the subject of this. 'and your crutch became my cross to bear' is such a painfully memorable line. This is also an incredibly sad and evocative poem of loss, if it's based on reality I so hope writing it proved a cathartic experience. Thanks for sharing. Great write and good luck in the contest you've entered.
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Wow. The imagery is very good. Well written. And a grabber. By that I mean your words just reach out and say Hey I'm here listen to what I am saying. You did good.
trekkergirl
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impressive
Hi! This is a very impressive poem. Everything seems to work well in it. The content is very interesting but what I like even more is the fact that the poetry is also very good - excellent use of imagery and metaphor:
I awoke
From cinnamon bun reveries
Only to crash inside
Napalm reality.
I also like the layout of the poem.
The piece is well focused and has a killer ending. I see that it is an entry for a contest, so i wish you all the very best in it. If you had to write this poem for the contest, you already have your reward (this poem!)
Cheers,
Myron.
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