I first saw you at a table, shaded by a white umbrella,
and fearless of what you might think, I walked up to you and smiled.
I arrived before noon, a little early for the afternoon jazz concert,
There was a flutter of music, a gentle riff, woodwinds and brass.
And fearless of what you might think, I walked up to you and smiled.
You nodded when I asked if I might join you, and then you spoke.
There was a flutter of music, a gentle riff, woodwinds and brass
Had the musicians taken their places? I didn’t notice, did you?
You nodded when I asked if I might join you, and then you spoke.
I am not sure what you heard, but you knew I was not from here.
Had the musicians taken their places? I didn’t notice, did you?
Strangers from exotic cities, and kindred spirits here
I am not sure what you heard, but you knew I was not from here.
That sunny afternoon, I was more than glad that we were
strangers from exotic cities, and kindred spirits here.
I first saw you at a table, shaded by a white umbrella.
Author notes
This was posted on July 14th, but not in a contest. It us a modified pantoum, using the line order, but not the rhyme scheme of the traditional pantoum.
A contest entry
- prewrites by aeolia.
400 points, ended October 26, 2008, 130 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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bravo
So lovely and intriguing... a wonderful and highly romanitc piece of poetry (neat variation on the pantoum)I loved it! bravo.. bravo ...
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This is a lovely imperfect pantoum, I enjoy this form with great enthusism, The lines are powerful enough to carry the second refrain. What creativity carries the reader through these wonderful lines that tie each stanza to the next.
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Well, I can't really comment on the form, as I know nothing about the pantoum, but it's a decent reflection on a moment. It could've benefited from a little more imagery and such, though. Still, not bad.
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Very different!!
AAHHHm the best poem..one where I have to look up words or discover a new form!!! TYTYTYTY
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Bravo! Bravo!
This is a first-class effort and you made the form - even in a modified version - work for you.
This is an impressive piece.
I'm putting you on my faves list.
Thanks for this.
Tom
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I felt a little dizzy by the time I got to the end of this one. Topsy turvy even. You spin a dazzling web with your style, but it lacks the depth I believe you were striving for. The ending was quite tidy.
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