A little girl cries tonite
She's all alone holding her teddy tight
No one cares cause no one knows
She hides her pain it rarely shows
Mommy's gone and Daddy doesn't care
Some times its like he's not even there
But when Daddy's mad thats when things go sour
Sometimes the blood runs for hours
The bruises hidden under a blue sweater
Even in the searing heat and warm weather
She never knew hugs and kisses
So she doesn't know what her life misses
Broken and alone I cried
With every insult part of me died
I lived in a shattered world
And I never was Daddy's little girl
A contest entry
- Domestic Violence Awareness/Education--Now With A Second Option by Viyanna Rosemarie.
1250 points, ended September 21, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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I am so glad to have read this
i can relate
the longing to be the person I was supposed to be
Daddy's little girl
such emotion and strength
the flow and rhyme good
interesting and painful
my heart goes out
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I loved this, and despite comments that amount to poetic snobbery in my opinion, this took courage and it is an excellent poem.
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thank you
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So sorry ...
... that your dad sounds a lot like mine. I'm thankful that some of us have found a way to break the cycle. I think poems like yours belp everyone: to find a way out, to survive, to seek change and to shed some light in the darkness. Thannk you Saya.
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its good to see someone who also wants to help through reading and writing poetry thank you
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Ok, I was going to comment on this, but got a little *ahem* distracted... by other comments. So my first impression is sadly not what you're getting. After a re-read, I admit that I saw a few things I might change... but that's me. It takes guts to write something like this so...
great job, and I look forward to reading more of your work when I get the chance.
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thank you
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It rhymed
I think the rhyming is good, I read it loud and it sounded alright. I think if you put a few comma's in, your poem would flow better. Overall a good write about the pain and loss of separation. -
well I liked it....The rhyming wasn't the best but It was still better than I could have done =) It was good so keep writing!
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Typical daddy angst with bad rhyme. That's all I have to say, really.
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try reading it out loud maybe you will see the rhyme is better than you think
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I did, and it's still shit. Have you ever heard of metre?
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that maybe your oppininon but honestly it dosnt offend me so dont try to
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It's not my goal to offend you. If you even care to improve and/or learn to write rhyming poetry that isn't so awkward, pay attention to the number of syllables you use per line, the stress on those syllables, and patterns of said syllables, aka metre. If you keep it consistent, it won't fail so much.
Here's a good place to go if you do wish to learn:
http://allpoetry.com/group/show/Rhyme%20and%20Meter%20Workshop
-hiraeth -
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the poem is telling a story and is about a serious issue its not a poem you would write for school its a poem that is supposed to inspire change
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...oh, and the piece's content/theme have NOTHING to do with its quality. it's either well-written or it isn't. i'll go with the latter in this case. if you want to inspire change, perhaps lay off the daddy-whining and make a point via poetic devices. this isn't a pity party.
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who said it was if you must know i didnt want pitty i want change so others dont go thro what i did if i wanted pitty id ask and yes it is the content of the poem that defines its quality you can have a poem that rhymes and has the right amount of sylables but makes no sense and what good is that
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you're right: someone could have perfect rhyme but still a senseless poem. however, no matter what style you use and what the poem's theme is, quality is STILL an issue. what lessened the quality of this piece (to me, at least) were, as follows:
01) shoddy rhyme.
02) a trite topic, even if it's true. this doesn't stand out from any other daddy-angst poem (...well, with the exception of sylvia plath's "daddy," which you might like to read. plath was brilliant.)
03) lack of proofreading.
but these are personal opinions. they're not, like, divine writ or whatever. i'll check out more of your poetry after the contest; i've no idea who you are.
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poetry isnt always about the amount of sylables a line has its about expressing the feelings of the writer or character if you must know i am already a published award winning poet and have been for years its not about the poem sounding or looking perfect its about the affect the poem has on the reader
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award-winning? lol!
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you might not like it and thats ok but others do but i do thank you for your comment and your oppinion is greatly appreciated if you want you can comment on some of my other poems
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poetry and art are my life so yes ive been writing since i was little
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