Library transformed,
becoming market,
games barter
shrill young voices
vying, crying.
I bend my head
towards my keyboard,
writing poems
strangling forth,
words amid chaos.
Voices fight.
I fight time.
time ebbs.
reflection pauses me,
keyboard stills my hands,
my fingers frozen.
Real time,
poetry lurches,
bears down,
somehow born,
somehow named,
library's market
voices stilled.
Author notes
POW contest. Theme: A poet tries to write in the library.
That's the best I can do for background colour.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended July 21, 2008, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
So, what's your opinion of this?
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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A comment from the poet The choppiness was unintentional but appropriate for the poem, given the nature of the setting. I really was in a hurry!!
It's an occasional poem, I think that's what they call it. "On the occasion of using a library computer". But I was reasonably well pleased with it and glad to get the HM. -
Hello!
I enjoyed this....a lot!
Yes, I do agree with trista and your other Judges, about your Flow being choppy as a surfers wave, but the quick read was as though you were trying get some deadlines finished and you just could not concentrate in that library!
:)
I think you captured so much of what I see when I go to a library......but hey, if you're gonna expect quiteness, it is not going to happen :)
The Imagery is the best part of this write......quite a lot of scenes I have seen myself while struggling to find a place to sit, and students have their hands over their faces trying to think...hehe ~
I enjoyed this.....good luck and God bless,
Bear ~
Title 9.9...I would click on this Title -
Flow 9.25....choppy, but not really all that bad -
Depth 9.85...lots of depth....quick, to the point....I like it -
Theme 9.9...Nicely chosen -
Feelings 10....expressed very well -
Grammar 9.6...simple....seemed rushed, but your Tone is quick -
Presentation 9.25..not a fan of short stubby lines.....but it worked -
Uncommonness 9.3....I have seen this many times around AP in general -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.25...I did ponder....but because I already know about this topic -
Ability to follow Rules 10...perfect from what I can see -
Bears Score: 96.3
Great job ~
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Hi there, and welcome to the POW.
Well firstly, I liked your setting for this...it's obviously been a long time since I've been in a library though...as it was always deathly quiet when I was in one. lol have to admit I'm not a big fan of such short lines. It is possible to pull off, but often they come out sounding choppy...I liked a lot of aboomer's suggestions on that. I also agree with islekine...impact and imagery just wasn't there for me...
Not a bad poem by any means, just one I'd like to see expanded on.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J. -
Although this read is in my top 3, I still found some flow problems with it. I feel, in line 2, that it might read better as:
(library transformed)
'imitating a stock market.' - which would give the reader a clearer understanding for the following verses.
Verse 2 - would read smoother:
('I bend my head
towards my keyboard,)
'writing poems,
strangling forth words
amid chaos.'
3rd verse was too choppy for me, and I feel would read smoother, maybe as follows:
'voices argue
as I fight time,
minutes ebbing quickly;'
Last verse:
'Real time invades again
as poetry lurches,
bearing down
pushing for birth,
creation,
awaiting a name.'
These are just MY thoughts on this, only as suggestions for you to think on - not changing any of your wording or meaning, just to help it read smoother. And I sincerely hope you take these thoughts as a gesture of friendship, meaning to help out and NOT to critize in any way....
** No editing once a judge has commented.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
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Hi and welcome to the POW as I see now all the rules have been followed now on to your poem.
I read this quite a few times and my brain stumbled alot more then I like on reading it
as many time as I did I also did not like the repeating of words I felt like I was reacing the same thing throughout the poem. But other then then the words repeating so much it was all in all a great poem and my score will reflect that. Goodluck in the contest my score will be posted with my end notes. -
Hi, and welcome to the POW! Good to have you here.
I like your theme and the way you have presented it, but it is a very common theme. A different setting, perhaps, but still about the trials and woes of writing.
Good use of imagery. Sounds like your library could use
a hall monitor! *
*
You missed a couple of capitalizations in stanza three,
Line three 'Time' and line four 'Reflection', and I found stanza four to be quite a run-on sentence, but over all this is a good solid write.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented! -
Aloha and Welcome!!!
This is another unique write...about writting...which is the second most common theme ....love being number one....
Voices fight.
I fight time.
time ebbs.
this is just one example of using the same word..too often too close...and you have a period...but no cap
on the next line....this is a lovely poem...would do well in other contests....needs more imagery, focus,
and impact.....Best wishes in the contest...my scores will appear in the final notes...Hope to see you and your talents back again! Write on!
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented on your entry! -
this is such a tough great theme an you brought it out with lovely wording and stunning clarity
this is my favorite stanza
I bend my head
towards my keyboard,
writing poems
strangling forth,
words amid chaos.
strangling forth
i totally felt that an the whole poem ends quiet with "voices stilled"
lovely
i can show you how to make it a white background i hadda fight mine in last weeks POWs before i figured it out its not like the easiest thing
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As for the color?
The background is either F or 0 I can't remember which is black and which is white.
Why are the punctuation marks after nearly every line?
Other than that- rules have been followed. Theme.. I don't know... I've never seen it myself though.
Good luck and hope to see you back
-Les
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You have followed the rules well.I found it hard to get the white background at first but it comes if you persevere with it.Good luck in the contest, Ros
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Sounds familiar. An instant's silence amid the shelves of chaos. But there is a library in the mind, and the oddest moments inspire true verse. Which is what you have created here, by the way. Best of luck. Looks a gey complicated contest tae me!
Keep up the good work. K.
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Such a nice comment
Thanks, Keith.
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Write on and good luck.
Dez
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Thank you, secberm
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in the second stanza, the bit about 'strangling forth' so inspired and inspiring. such a transcendant poem about concentration and such.
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Thanks very much
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