It was morning, two days before my daughter's birthday. I prepared everything for a sour-cherry strudel and chocolate cake. Her favorite. His favorite. For him, for us, tomato soup, potatoes in the oven, salad and a bottle of dark red wine.
Yesterday I talked with her dad on the phone and he promised me to come to see her. He visited me several times during the past years but he was always afraid to see her.
I tried to hide my trembling hands and to calm my voice because I felt a knot in my throat. Because my heart always belonged to him. He was my first love. He will always be my love.
Wednesday, June 13. His plane will land at 13:15. On Friday she will be fifteen. I will go to the airport and this time I will not be alone.
Lana came home from the library holding in her hands a pile of books. She was reading a lot. Like me. She watched me cleaning a kitchen, then took a bowl of whipped cream from the fridge licking her fingers, singing a tune, smiling all the time. Like a fairy.
― I am going to my room mom. Mom? May I ask you something?
― Yes, my child, of course, you can always ask...
― Mom... yesterday I found under your bed an old box. It was full with letters. And... all addressed to you. Clearly love letters, mom, from many years ago. All tied up with silk ribbons... and, sorry, mom, but I was curious... and all this paper in so many colors still looks so nice. I didn't read any of them. Only one poem on a sheet of paper from the same box. Poetry for you. It was so nice. He was...
― Yes, he was and he is a poet.
― I tried to count them, to count the letters. and... I found five thousand four hundred and seventy four...
She kept talking, and I got lost in memories for a short while. I wasn't surprised, but I expected since long that one day I will have to tell her the truth about her father. Every day I could see him in her blue eyes. In her irises I saw scattered rays from the amber of his eyes. Her soft skin carrying a touch of his tan. My skin is so white... her is like honey, my hair hazelnut, almost red... yes, he said my hair is almost red... her hair a bit darker with a sheen of sun in it. And her smile, her giggle, her laughter...it was like listening to him.
― Mom? Are you listening to me?
― Yes, Lana, I am listening... I know. You found five thousand four hundred and seventy five...
― No, I am sure it was five thousand four hundred and seventy four... But how did you know, you counted them too?
― Yes. I counted them every day.
Then I approached her and showed her a letter I kept in my pocket, next to my heart.
― My favorite... it was written the day you were born.
― Who wrote them to you, mom? Was that my dad? I know it was he.
― Yes. But it was many years ago. You can't remember him.
― But I remember! I do! I do!
My sweet daughter was looking at me, surprised, eyes wet, her small fist like tiny knots. Then, she started telling me her story.
― Mom, I remember him. I saw him when I was born. He counted my fingers and toes and he kissed my little nose, and... I remember how we were chasing butterflies, and...
Now, I was thinking, my baby has got great imagination, just like her dad, and maybe more than her dad. It was obvious...
― Nobody can remember that moment.
― But, believe me, mom, I know he was there, with you, with me. The very first things I saw were his eyes and his smile and his hands waiting for me.
― Yes, but...
― Then he was kissing you, kissing you.... He gave me my name. Annabel Lee.
She did not allow me to interrupt her story. She was right, that was her name but I always called her Lana.
― I remember when he was singing me a lullaby, he told me the best stories before bed. And I remember when he was combing my hair, when he tied it with lace and ribbons and crystal bids, and I remember...
― But...
I tried to stop her imagination from going wilder...
― I remember our walks in the park. Mom, he was here, every day. With me.
― Lana. I think that was only a dream.
Then she started to describe to me his face and many other details, I was struck. Maybe she had some special skills I never recognize until now?...
― Mom, do you still love him?
― Yes, I love him.
― Then, why does he not live with us?
― This is a long story...
― Mom?
― Yes?
― Nothing... just... I was thinking... May I ask you for a present? For my birthday?
Kids.
― What kind of present?
― I would like a dog. A puppy.
― Ok. What kind? Something special?
― Oh, ok? You are not angry with me? Something small, fuzzy... Mom? I will take care of it.
She started jumping around me like a small girl, clapping her hands, dancing like a gypsy. I knew that I will have to take a care of the puppy myself, but for her I would do anything.
― Please, get ready to go to the airport with me.
She didn't ask, just went to her room and when she was back she was wearing a white dress, tied around her waist with a lilac hued silk belt. On her feet – one pink and one blue tennis shoes. I had neither the wish nor the time to complain, but...
― Are you going with me dressed like a butterfly?
― Noooooooooooo... if you don't like it... she made a sad face, pouting her mouth. I just wanted to show you...
Time... time... I was looking at the clock. Oh, god, please... please, baby please, hurry. It was already a quarter to one. I heard her doing something there in her room, the thumping of a wardrobe door... She reappeared dressed the same. Only this time she had two pink tennis shoes to her feet.
― Mom, he will recognize me.
Her head turned a bit to the left, the same way her father used to. She smiled. I didn't have any comment. I had nothing to add.
He sent me an SMS that the plane has landed. We had to wait for another half of an hour, the glass door between us and the customs zone swooshing each minute. Strange faces... a lot of baggages, hugs, kisses.
Suddenly, she jumped and run to stand next to the closed door. Her sixth sense... She did not look at any other face, she knew who he was. I saw them hugging. His fingers touching her hair, touching her cheeks.
― Daddy, daddy...
― My Annabel Lee, my baby, my butterfly...
He kept looking at me over her shoulder, smiling, his lips sending me messages of I love you. The same love in his eyes.
He took her hand within his. His hand so strong. Her like a doll's. She was looking at him like he was a God. I always loved his hands. His smile, the shine in his eyes... his touches. I love him, oh my God, I love him so much. My cheeks blushed at memories, at future memories... he certainly knew the reason for that blush.
I will never know how she recognized him. I will never know how he recognized her. I never sent him her picture. The only thing I knew, was that on that specific day she was born again.
Author notes
SOW - Theme - Meeting - The Sixth Sense- ESP: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extra-sensory_perception
The horizontal bar or quotation dash (― is used to introduce quoted text. This is the standard method of printing dialogue in some languages.
In a list
A contest entry
- Story of the Week - SOW by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended July 21, 2008, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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this is excellent, and very engaging...it's so different to read a short story here by you, Sonja...
this is very powerful & moving...I'm in tears...
congrats
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Thank you dear Tara.
~Sonja~
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wow...a very touching and an emotional write there
beautiful
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Hi Sonja,
It's SO good to see you in the SOW...I've missed your writes in the PO contests!
I loved this, and it's the best read for me (so far
) because it does have all the elements I look for in a good short story.
I'm not going to nit pick all the grammar, punctuation, etc. I will say you have a very beautiful and unique "voice" to your writing I enjoyed...even though I can tell English isn't your first language. (I think, anyway? Forgive me if I'm wrong.) It comes through in some of the word choices or word tenses. I do want to give you one example though...
"Lana came home from the library holding in her hands a pile of books. She was reading a lot. Like me. She watched me cleaning a kitchen, then took a bowl of whipped cream from the fridge licking her fingers, singing a tune, smiling all the time."
Like in poetry, it can affect your flow when the order of words is awkward...my suggestion would be: "Lana came home from the library holding a pile of books in her hands. Like me, she was reading a lot. She watched me cleaning (the) kitchen, then took a bowl of whipped cream from the fridge (comma) licking her fingers, singing a tune, and smiling all the time."
One other small thing, if possible I'd suggest putting a character's direct thoughts in italics, such as the part where she's thinking, "Oh, god, please... please, baby please, hurry." (And may want to cap the word "God".) Very nice tension built up in that part, btw.
I love your balance of short and long sentences...
Okay...other areas...I felt there were a lot of loose ends when I finished reading...I wanted SO BADLY to know the story behind the story, if that makes sense. Why wasn't Lana's father with them? Just what is "the truth about her father"??? With so much love apparent between these two people, what could have possibly kept them apart for so long??? And what changed, that now he was coming to see them? You know your characters and the story, but your readers only knowswhat you tell them...and IMO, I needed to know more so that I wouldn't feel quite so...cheated?...at the end. Hard to do, when under a line limit for the contest, as it IS a lot of info to give...but I think you'd have an amazingly strong story with some of that added. And although this is fairly long, it kept my attention throughout, and I'd have GLADLY read it if it were longer yet!
I do rather wish the conversations between mother and daughter had been written in regular dialogue format, but having it the way you do is, I think, part of the style, or voice, I mentioned earlier...so kind a toss-up there. My main question is...is it written that way on purpose, or because you aren't comfortable enough with the format and punctuation of dialogue? (Which is full of "rules" and difficult for a LOT of people to master!) I also thought you did a terrific job of bringing the excitement and tone of teenaged girl into the spoken words...Bear's suggestions do improve flow, but you have to balance that with it sounding realistic...and I thought you did very well with that...
I have a suggestion for your closing line...because the story is told as if it's happening "right now", yet the last sentence is in past tense...what about, "The only thing I knew, was that at that moment, she was born again." ? As always, just a suggestion.
The emotion in the story is beautiful...I'm a tough person to make cry or even tear up, but I had a definite lump in my throat when I finished reading...every time. *sigh*
Oh, gosh...there are so many areas to look at and comment on...but I'll have to save the rest for my scoreboard before I end up writing a short story myself.
The other areas I look at will be in the final notes of the contest. Good luck, you've done a wonderful job, and I'll be disappointed if I don't see you again in future SO contests!
Best wishes,
~J.
P.S. Remember...no editing once a judge has commented, until contest has concluded.
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Hi Trista! Thank you for your hard done job. Yes, English is not my firs language.
I know that I left some things "untold" but it was by purpose. This is how most of writers do. Only cheep love stories and stories for kids must have all parts "introduction - body - end" explained to details. In other, much professional works, some things are left to readers curiosity and imagination. This time the point of story is not "why the love went this way" but the secret of ESP -"how girl could be able to know things never told to her".
Please read the rest in my answer to Bear.
Good luck!
~Sonja~ -
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Hi Sonja,
Yes, I agree 100% that not everything needs ~ or even SHOULD ~ be told in a story. I end up feeling as if a writer thinks I'm stupid if TOO much is explained.
However...I think even a small kernel would have helped me in your story, something so simple as a statement like, "Now that the war was over", just as an example. Something like that (and there are millions of other statements that would do the same) would make it justifiable to me the separation, yet leaves tons of room for my imagination to roam. All those unanswered questions actually took my mind away from what you wanted to be the focus...I was so wondering about what wasn't said, I stopped thinking about the ESP part. I wanted to shout, "Tell me the rest!!!" 
when I finished reading...it's a fine line between enough, and too much...just my opinion for this piece though. It's beautiful either way, so perhaps a moot point.
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Hello stranger :) ....welcome to the first SOW Contest!
First impression......
There is no way we can cover all areas of your write in the first SOW, so we are going to talk and discuss a few things each time you enter ~
*Yesterday......COMMA....... I talked with her dad on the phone.....COMMA....... (and) he promised (me) to come to see her.*.....take out those words and watch your flow improve ~
*I tried to hide my trembling hands and to calm my voice.....COMMA.......as a knot begin to rise in my throat*.
*Because my heart always belonged to him*.......Take away *because*....and never begin a sentence with *because*, as that is a movement word which allows you to move along from one idea to the next within the same thought ~
I can see you have a talent for Short Stories Sonja.....this will be exciting to see what you bring us the next time you enter ~
Your accent is not that big of a deal......I can easily work through it :)
I am impressed with the way you take on 1st, 2nd & 3rd person.....you have a knack for this Format :) .....you just need to perfect it now :)
*holding in her hands a pile of books*......no need to tell us the books are in her hands......you have already told us she was holding them ~
*She was reading a lot. Like me. *..........Like me, she enjoyed reading ~
*She watched me cleaning a kitchen*....keep your Tone in the same tense.........watched.....cleaning.........two different time periods ~
*I am going to my room mom. Mom? May I ask you something?*.........I'm going to my room mother, but first, may I ask you something?
Do you see how I improved your Flow?
*yesterday I found under your bed an old box. It was full with letters. And... all addressed to you. Clearly love letters, mom, from many years ago. All tied up with silk ribbons... and, sorry, mom, but I was curious... and all this paper in so many colors still looks so nice. I didn't read any of them. Only one poem on a sheet of paper from the same box. Poetry for you. It was so nice.*.............>>>>Yesterday......COMMA......I found an old box under your bed, it was full of letters from many years ago. They were all bundled in silk ribbons, are they love letters mother? I'm sorry mom, but so many beautiful colors made me look, but I didnt read any of them, I was just curious.
Do you see how twisting a few words around can improve your Flow and leave out all of the words which have no impact on the Reader?
* Yes, he was.....COMMA..... and ( he's ) a poet.*
Ok...I ask that you begin to work on punctuation and proper grammatical format for speech ~
When you use more than one person dialog, you will increase the involvement of proper punctuation......and since Americans are the worst at their best, I hope you have patience with us as we try to suggest only the proper way to create a Short Stroy format to fit your style ~
I would also leave room for your Reader to use their own speach to interpret your words.......such as this....>>>>>> Noooooooooooo... ..........do you see what I mean?
Leave it to us, to follow your Tone ~
Also......watch out for the over-usage of pronouns......check out how many you used in such a short area of speach..>>>>>>(He) took (her) hand within (his.) (His) hand so strong. (Her) like a doll's. (She) was looking at (him) like (he) was a God. (I) always loved (his) hands. (His) smile, the shine in (his) eyes... (his) touches. (I) love (him), oh (my) God, (I) love (him) so much.
18 times in so few words ~
:)
I loved you story.....imagination is vital in short stories, as you want to gain momentum in your format to be able to bring out the topic, fill us in within the body......summarize your thoughts.....and then conclude without slack ~
Short Stroies are hard to write, because you have so little time to do it in ~
.....and.....I believe you went over the line MAX by about 8 lines.....but I am not going to hit you on that this time :)
Over-all....a nice write.....but stay focused on Subject and watch your Flow ~
Punctuation is going to be a huge factor in the months to come as you join us again and again :)
Good luck ad God bless you!
Bear ~
Title...I would not click on this Ttile, because it tells me too much -
Intro...9.5...You got right into it....nice -
Body....9.2...wordy.....get to the point -
Rules....9.0...filler words are over-used -
Theme...9.2.....a tad cliche'....we will look for more creativity soon -
Grammar...9.6...I enjoyed your ability to disclose your info and subjects -
Summary...9.0..you went from body to conclusion -
Movement....9.75..wonderful movement....but punctuation is vital -
Conclusion...9.75..nicely concluded....nice imagery and emotions -
Creativeness..9.15....cliche', but you sure did it well -
Punc/Grammar...9.0..use less, to slow your readers down, but use it where it is needed most -
Bears score: 93.15
Nice job!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Hi! Thanks a lot for all kind suggestions. Different languages - some different rules but this is how I write and readers in my country (I mostly write for kids and youth) like to read my stories and my novels very much. Mistakes? I knew that I have them. My problem is that by nature (dys...)I can't see my mistakes myself, but when I write, I write with a heart and my publishers - professional editors - are doing the rest. This is not my excuse, only the reason. But I am satisfied because I know how to accept myself. Now when you pointed them to me I can see some, lol. Thank you. Only, I am curious about a sentences where you are talking about too much pronouns - please show me the way how you would write it? I tried again and maybe only two of them I can cut out with a reason.
I like this contest very much and I will not be disappointed if I not win. All of judges has done a great job here. With some suggestions I agree, with some not.
My suggestion for this contest would be - don't count lines. It doesn't mean a thing especially when direct (or quoted)speech are included. Stories must be counted by words. By the professional rules, short stores are from 1000 to 5000 (somewhere 7500)words. If you want less then 1000 then it is called short short stories.
~Sonja~ -
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Whew!!!
7500 words!?
Oh my!!!
.....we'd never get finished!
I do agree though, but we do have to have some sort of discipline in our time to spare ~
(He) took (her) hand within (his.) (His) hand so strong. (Her) like a doll's. (She) was looking at (him) like (he) was a God. (I) always loved (his) hands. (His) smile, the shine in (his) eyes... (his) touches. (I) love (him), oh (my) God, (I) love (him) so much.
How about this..>>>
Hands so strong and loving, caressing china doll fingers, a gentle smile and shining light in his eyes begot my breath. Oh, how I loved his very presence.
( 4 ) pronouns, same meaning ~
However, 100 different writers could write this 100 different ways ~
We are only trying to do our best and suggest ways to help inprove upon what you already know ~
Sorry if I came across as arrogant ~
God bless,
Bear ~
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I did not find any part of your comment arrogant. I found it only as a part of contest rules and your friendly suggestions.
~Sonja~
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Hello there and welcome to Sow
By far this a very well written piece I love the story it is well written and thought out I would say that it is wordy but I did enjoy the read from the first time that I read it until now this left me wanting more the impact of this story was great for me. This is a great piece.Goodluck in this contest best wishes.My score will be added at the end of the contest -
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Thank you Starz.
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Aloha and welcome to SOW!!!
This is a sweet touching story...it could be cut back,
word wise...for instance:Yesterday I talked with her dad on the phone and he promised me to come to see her. He visited me several times during the past years but he was always afraid to see her.
Would tighten up:
Yesterday I talked with her dad on the phone, he promised to come see her. He visited me several times during the past years but was always afraid to see her.
This can be done through the story.
"Only this time she had two pink tennis shoes to her feet." I believe this is just a typo?
anyway....editing stories is much harder than poetry!!
Other than that...a very sweet interesting story...
Best wishes in the contest! My score will be in final notes...
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented on your entry!! -
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Thanks a lot for so deep review. I agree with you. It is not easy to edit stories, professional editors are mostly doing that for me, but still, with my dyslexia and dysgraphia I am enough stubborn to write two different languages and to publish my work. My persistence (united with modern technology, spell checking, etc...lol) are a great supporting tools. I am happy to take a part in this contest.
~Sonja~
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SO DEEPLY TOUCHING!!!!
I sit here typing with tears in my eyes as this is just the sweetest story, one which will stay with me for a long time. I do not have memories such as these as my family was torn apart by my ex. There are times when I am happy bein alone but at times such as this one and with a story as sweet as this in my heart is a longing for a close- knit family with love and happiness in it. So with misty eyes both happy and sad I must say this is truly beautiful.
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Very touching story. Even for an old geezer like me it tugged at my heart. Great work and good luck in the contest. Happy trails
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