Millions of Americans began the day dancing and singing in the streets through out our nation. This massive celebration was sparked by the realization that over ninety percent of "fleeced funds" had been returned to our savings and retirement accounts. The recovered funds are estimated at close to one trillion dollars.
The money was electronically transferred while the world was sleeping. Ironically, the funds were taken from the corporate executives, government officials, and brokers responsible for the scandals that destroyed so many lives. The young hero who orchestrated the reverse heist is already being dubbed "Little Robin-Hood".
Eleven year old Johnny Boyd decided to take action after watching his parents agonize over losing everything they had worked for. Johnny is known as a child prodigy of computer programming and software development. The program took less than an hour to write and had completed it's mission in less than thirty minutes. "Cry Ware" as young Johnny calls it was designed to follow the trail of money while recording every transaction. Once every move has been traced, the process is simply reversed. Johnny chose the name Cry Ware because of the anticipated reaction from the large group of thieves.
Although the long laundry list of state and federal laws Johnny violated could carry a combined seventy year prison sentence, the young man will be recognized and rewarded instead. The Treasury department has made Johnny Boyd an honorary Special Agent for life. In addition, he will receive five percent of all funds recovered as a reward for his heroic actions. Our great nation will be forever indebted to the young man now known as Little Robin-hood.
Johnny was unavailable for comment, but his parents had this to say. "We are very proud of our son and no words could accurately describe what we feel at this moment". Johnny has been relocated to a non disclosed location inside of Disney World for a six week period as a safety precaution. As for the three hundred million dollar reward, a spokesperson said that Johnny has set up a foundation to further prosecute these perpetrators and others.
In a list
A contest entry
- Story of the Week - SOW by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended July 21, 2008, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tell Me a Story by Lime Ocarina.
700 points, ended April 22, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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We can only hope that this will happen one day...
Beautifully written, could be pulled off for official information.
Obviously, this is something to be quite proud of in a piece of written work
Best of luck!
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I really enjoyed the idea you presented, with the caveat that the grocer who sold the exec their groceries and the beautician who cut their hair and taxi driver who got them to their jet would also stand to loose, and are innocent.
Very creative and a great, fast-paced read! Quite enjoyable! Curious thought, to be "sequestered" in Disneyland!
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Congratulations!
For this first and great SOW gold trophy. This is fine penned story, you have a great ability to keep readers attention. Very interesting and unexpected story. Great done!
~Sonja~
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P.S. Don't forget to put your theme and "SOW Contest" in your author notes...next time.
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trista
Thanks for the reminder about "SOW Contest" in the authors notes.
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Hi and welcome to the SOW!
I'm in agreement with my co-judges...this was a wonderful read! I feel this was written in sort of a "reporter" style verses a short story format, but I have no problem with that other than the areas Bear mentioned, like having little for imagery.
I also agree, my main issue with this would be it needing commas to properly separate information and slow the reader down...however, I disagree with Bear, ie: "never use a comma before the last subject". It is the "old" way of listing things as found in "The Elements of Style" by William Strunk, Jr. and used to be taught that way when I was in school. Now it seems it's saved mostly for more formal writing...and this being in a newpaper-ish format, it works for me...but most articles use the less formal way...so more of a personal preference IMO.
Because of the style you've chosen to write in, it also makes a big difference in the "show verses tell" rule...reporting is more about "telling", yet you have all the right details added to give this interest. A really great job!
The other areas I look at will be in the final notes of the contest. Good luck, and I hope to see you back again in future SO contests.
Best wishes,
~J.
P.S. Remember...no editing once a judge has commented, until contest has concluded.
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Hello.....welcome to the first SOW Contest!
First impression......I am really impressed with your abilty to dive right in to important information which will take me to your next idea ~
Ok...let's dig in ~
There is no way we can cover every little detail concerning your write, so we are going to talk about a few things each week, that you have the opportunity to enter the SOW ~
Beginning with, commas ~
You have such a great Flow, and I can see you having no problem scoring well in this contest ~
However, let's remember to slow the Reader down after vital info....ie;..>>>>
*was sparked by the realization that over ninety percent of "fleeced funds" had been returned to our savings and retirement accounts. ......was sparked by the realization OF over ninety percent of..........*
*executives, government officials, and brokers responsible for the scandals that destroyed so many lives. .......never use a comma before the last subject.>>>>executives, government officials and brokers*................for the scandals WHICH destroyed so many lives*
*is already being dubbed......COMMA..... "Little Robin-Hood".*
*Eleven year old....COMMA..... Johnny Boyd.....COMMA...... decided to*
*Johnny.....COMMA..... is known as a child prodigy**took less than an hour to write....COMMA...... and had completed it's mission ......you needed a comma there, as you are speaking of two different subjects ~
"Cry Ware".....COMMA....... as young Johnny calls it.....COMMA........ was designed to follow the *
Ok.....can you see the pattern?
Slow your Reader down around the corner of every subject ~
You have so much talent, and we shall be blessed to see you join us again ~
However, I am only saying this next suggestion as my own personal opinion..>>>>
Try to keep the Format geared toward Short Story, as you are leaning toward statement and cause factors ~
This write tends to lean against informative narrative, and leaves no room for imagery, show & tell, yet, rather, all information on a standardized list of obtained knowledge ~
You have done so well with keeping your Filler Words to a minimum....kudos!
Let's see what my board has to say about the rest of the areas of critique ~
Good luck and God bless you!
Bear ~
Title...I would not click on this Title, unless I wanted to read about this genre -
Intro...9.85.....impressed with your intro and info -
Body....9.7....nice job on focusing on subject -
Rules....9.9...filler words are kept to a minimum....nice!
Theme...9.85....nice focus.... lots of info in each paragraph -
Grammar...9.7.....simple, yet kept my attention very well-
Summary...9.2.....I believe you could have summarized better, but not bad -
Movement....9.8...absolutely wonderful movement -
Conclusion...9.75..nicely concluded....nice emotion, feelings & imagery -
Creativeness..9.15.....I will be looking for more creativity in the future -
Punc/Grammar...9.0..use more punc, to slow your Readers down -
Bears score: 95.9
Excellent job!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Hello there and welcome to Sow
I did enjoy this piece it is one of my favorites after reading it again and again the more I read it the more impressed I was able to follow through the whole story without being tripped up with words.This is a great piece.
Goodluck in this contest best wishes.My score will be added at the end of the contest -
I so love this!!! Welcome to SOW!
What a great story...you followed through very nicely...stayed on topic...and did extremely well...
This is the best I've read so far...I am only one judge.....and this is the FIRST SOW.....so will be interested in seeing how others review this...I would
have left out "and others" at the end...it lends nothing to the story...and makes me wonder who? what others? rather than ....ha ha ha....just me....
Best wishes in the contest! my score will be in final notes....I score 100 point system based on these 10 items for stories:
Title
Theme
Story line
Creativity
Flow
Conclusion
Impact
Grammar/Punctuation
Format
Rules
REMEMBER! NO editing once a judge has commented on your entry. -
This is a great story and deserves to be read. You should post it in the "critical reviews section." Good luck in the contest and happy trails
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