If I wished for a paradise
I wonder what I'd get.
Flying in a magical world
or watching the sun set?
For the children of Africa
a bed and a meal.
A roof over their heads,
some place where safe, they can feel.
But for me,
this is what a paradise would be...
A place among the fluffy clouds,
away from deaths and violent crowds.
Surrounded by people I love the most
with a feast that tastes better than French toast!
With snow capped palm trees,
and a theme park to myself.
In my room guess what I'd place,
A toy stacked crystal shelf!
Oh My this years birthday list,
Will be the longest ever to exist!
Author notes
I wrote this with a bit of help from my sister. No particular inspiration, I just thought it up. I hope you enjoyed reading it and please leave a comment on what you think.
A contest entry
- PARADISE by Swan song.
450 points, ended July 19, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ARGH!!!! My Muse has gone AWOL... by Luckintheshadows.
450 points, ended August 2, 2008, 31 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Best Pre-Written Rhyme by piccola.
800 points, ended August 15, 2008, 90 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What can I improve on?
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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A feast that tastes better than French Toast! :P
I luv dat line! This is a really fun poem...kinda musicalish if ya know wat i mean. This can deff. be seen as yer paradise, and it's purdy kewl.
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this one is most definatly my favorite so far it so whimsical and beautiful
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Very imaginative and filled with fun imagery. Nice rhyme too although I felt the flow could be smoothed out here and there. Counting syllables might help there. Thank you for the entry.
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Oh my, this made me smile!
I love the flights of fancy your words carry me away with...your imagery is clear and bright. I like how you allow your imagination to run away with you, but you're still grounded enough to be aware of the the problems children face across the world...
Very well written, thanks for sharing this, and taking the time to enter my contest,
Luck. -
Just wanted to say thanks for all your wonderful comments!
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I guess “snow capped palm trees” would be the best of both worlds so to speak. You bubbled up but let us know you realize there are people in the world who have real problems. You write well.
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I relly understand what you're trying to say. It was terrific. Is it New
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mind if I come join you there? Sounds awesome
Loved the thinking of in the mind of the African children; that was clever ^^
I wish you luck with your entry
Keep it up ^^
Claire x
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Very very good It is hard to improve on something like this because it was meant to touch someone emotinally.
These types of poems have their own special importance
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