smoke curls through my head
like pick-pockets
slither through the souq
bells jangle, drivers shout
balak! balak!
their donkey carts clatter
herky-jerky
down tight allies
hordes of children
scrap and scavenge
merchants hawk, tourists haggle
in wild living mosaics
i think of michener's drifters,
questing for meaning,
enlightenment
or just a good buzz
i hum childe 84
and like gretchen,
think of india
like barbara,
hear knell of death
cacophony becomes
a tin flute trance
of darbukah rhythms
as midnight
opens
to interior gardens
coarse silk, pungent ginger
patchouli wings
fly
into an open arch,
an invitation
to deep moroccan red
Author notes
Childe 84, the Ballad of Barbara Allen
I am putting only Night Market in as my entry. All three poems were part of a 'rounds' contest, and I wish to keep them together...so temporarally I'll move them to my author box. Any one who wishes
to comment please comment on Nigt Market only. Thanks.
haiku (second round)
crisp afternoon breeze
weaving through shivering branches
blanket of snow
...
untitled as of yet (round 3)
many
salivate
over the entrees
at the spiritual buffet,
then jumble them all together without a notion
of nuance or complexity, not caring for the quality of ingredients
tricksters in shaman's clothing parcel out bits of regurgitated food for the soul,
quenching thirst with poisons masquerading as water
they tour the world to spread their stink
having learned early not to shit
in their own
backyard
choking
on the fare,
i embark upon
my journey, as demeter sings
i welcome winter's solitude, realizing
if i cannot find that which is sought within myself, i will never find it without
A contest entry
- Three Rounds -- Three Judges -- Three Different Types of Poems by cvillelisa.
3750 points, ended September 5, 2008, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - haven't been here for 3 months but I have 4,000+ points by Nam.
4075 points, ended October 15, 2008, 36 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Sense of Place by Nicada.
700 points, ended December 18, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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excellent sounds & ambiance. enjoyed this! miss reading you
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A very lovely write here,and congratulations on the trophies. They seem to be very well deserved and earned. Thank you so much for entering. Blessings, Patty
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hear kneel of death???
(oh, whew... a different Barbara ....)
This is excellent! Little wonder it snagged the gold. Rich with imagery, and such a wonderful flow that I didn't want it to end.
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lol..no not you
Thanks so much.
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"slither through the souk" - wouldn't "souk" be "souq"? Perhaps an English/Americanization of the word, or something; though since you're seemingly speaking of the place/period; I feel the correct spelling, rather than an alternative spelling, would work better.
" barek! barek!" -- Isn't "barek" a boys name in arabic? So, wouldn't it be "Barek! Barek!"; I know it also means "noble" but I don't understand why the man is yelling "barek" if not addressing a boy, or young man; or something.
I've been watching a lot of Middle Eastern films; even own a few.
Good poem.
-Nam
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you, know..i'm glad i entered this here. bareck was misused..it should be balak, it means caution, or get out of the way, or something to that effect..shouted the two sound so close, to me anyway. so thanks. souk..i've never seen spelled that way, but looked it up and find it used less than souk (a quick scan)..i imagine it's hard to translate the exact spelling into englsh, because of the different of alphabets, but more than likely, souq is closer..i'll edit.
I'm glad you liked the poem, thank you for the points and the gold trophy.
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phenomenal work - just stunning poetry-
i have never seen you open up like this
and explore in quite this manner
i am just amazed and thrilled to find this poem this morning- the depth of the pieces are wonderful
i especially love the sounds of
the first piece- it is a herky jerky cacophony
that blows down the page like wood flute..
wonderful poetry-
congratulations!
Mary
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thanks
i was really trying to go for the sounds as the music of the (1st)piece, rather than the ballad...anyway, i'm in love with morocco, wanna go? 
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sign me up!
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round 3:
content 7.8
vocabulary 9.7
accuracy 8.7
creativity 8
theme 8
originality 7.5
totals: 49.7
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Well, I certainly won't be counting the syllables. That had to be some kind of joke from the hilarious vault of the Lutester. good of you to play along. I think it worked and I like the result.
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Round 3 is up and ready for you to get started. Please follow the same format posting you poem underneath your Haiku.
Thanks and good luck!
Lisa -
s s s s s
crisp afternoon breeze - (5)
s s s s s s s
weaving through shivering branches - (7)
s s s
blanket of snow - (3)
round 2:
content 7.3
vocabulary 7.2
accuracy 6.7
creativity 6.8
theme 7
originality 6.6
totals: 41.6 -
Thank you for your Haiku - we are scoring them today and will post Round 3 instructions soon.
Stay tuned!
Lisa -
Round 2 instructions have been posted on the contest page, please read and begin!
Good luck.
Lisa -
I had to go listen several times
Thank you for entering. This is a good poem for the prompt.. I am not crazy about the format it takes on the page but that is the poet's choice obviously.
I would consider cutting a few things that make it sort of too personal thereby opening the poem to your Reader to really experience the good atmosphere you've painted with your words. For instance:
smoke curls
like pick-pockets slither
through the souk
if you just cut that first personal "my head" from the opening -- your reader really gets thrown right into the scene -- then when you do say
"i think of michener's ..." we are already entrenched in the sight/smell/sound -- hope that makes sense.
living mosaics is quite a good image. I sort of wonder if knell of death shouldn't be the end -- you know death/end so switching it around so it reads:
smoke curls
like pick-pockets slither
through the souk
bells jangle, drivers shout
barek! barek!
their donkey carts clatter
herky-jerky
down tight allies
hordes of children
scrap and scavenge
merchants hawk, tourists haggle
in wild living mosaics
cacophany becomes
a tin flute trance
of darbukah rhythms
as midnight
opens
to interior gardens
coarse silk, pungent ginger
patchouli wings
fly
into an open arch,
an invitation
to deep morrocan red
i think of michener's drifters,
questing for meaning,
enlightenment
or just a good buzz
i hum childe 84
and like gretchen,
think of india
like barbara,
hear knell of death
Just a suggestion to consider. Good movement in this too - all those verbs.
I appreciate this entry. Thanks.
Lisa
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Thanks
I appreciate your thoughts and I'm still considering
your suggestion of removing "through my head".
I considered for a long time reordering, but I think it would work against some of my intentions.
I do understand where you are coming from...putting the death at the end, but my way of thinking about it is that each stanza is an explorationon deepening levels...first there is all the outside stimulation of the exploration of the market, which moves into the thoughts of the second stanza and identification with the seeking/explorations
of the charecters, particularly Gretchen with her ballads...then finally moving to a meditation-like
state...interior gardens, open arch leading deeper into myself...the smoke, the buzz ,the morroccan red maybe helping out there...oops, I didn't say that, lol.
Also, in the back of my head I was thinking the way I formated sorta-kinda alluded to movements withino a body of music...and the sounds of market themselves also being music.
Even if you don't agree maybe that will explain a little of my choices...it's hard for me to step back from this one...so maybe I'm not seeing the big picture, but I'll hang out here on the limb, lol
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content 8.3
vocabulary 11
accuracy 8.1
creativity 8
theme 8.3
originality 8
totals 51.7 -
Very Nice! I like how you pull sights, sounds and smells together in a "herky-jerky" flow. I especially enjoyed "smoke curls through my head/ like pick-pockets / slither through the souk," because it is so much like the music you selected -"i hum childe 84." I like the "questing for meaning, / enlightenment" juxtaposed to what barbara hears. Your words while humming this song takes you to a very rich inviting place.
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Brilliant, your mind is like a kaleidescope of color
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This is the best thing I have read in this comp thus far. nice work
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donkey carts clatter herky-jerky down tight alleys.
Love that.
eeking out sparse existance. Hate that.
also hate "inside myself"
cacophony becomes a tin flute trance
of darbukah rhythms
quite good
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well done Luna!
That was a tough one...three different styles on the
prompt!
well done!
ears/Seattle way to write!
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Oh this is fabulous...so rich with visuals and deep pensive construction that shines like a polished gold statue gleaming in the sun, really masterfully done my dear!
All the best,
love and peace always,
mj.
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