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Rushed Reality


Typos have claws;

eyesores scratched
black and white.


Dreaming dizzy,
blurs shot fire;
desperation sleeping

under weighted lids...


Snapped open


I took wide-eyed purchase
light luminated

The-All-Important window
left unwritten...


Alarm-sounded panic,
reality rushed
crazed limbs;
keyed like rap
letters spat speedily.


Counting words like seconds,
I printed resolutely.

 

Author notes

POW Contest
Topic: Trying to finish an essay I fell asleep writing the next morning....*cringes from the memory*

A BIG shout out to Phantasyintrigue-x who gave my piece a fierce edit before I dared post it. Bow to the Queen of Hyphens!

In a list

A contest entry

Critical Critique Desired.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 31 of 31

  • Never Fall in Love
    July 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Fantastic, darling ♥

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    July 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Congratulations sweety


  • Arkbear gold member
    July 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply

     

    Hello!

     

    Welcome to the PO' Contests.....we are glad to have you!

     

    First impression....lots of energy in this write, even though your Theme is the exact opposite :)

     

    I adore your ability to draw the reader in with your *Movement*....a lot going on in this write....touching on areas we have all felt at times....nice job ~

     

    I do, however, feel as though you took the Rules about Filler Words, a tad toooo seriously...hehe.....and you just jotted words, leaving your Flow very choppy.....nonetheless, still a nice write with lots of emotion and and expression ~

     

    :)

    If you are going to create Art without all of the background, then your Still-life has to shine in the forefront.......in opther words.....there is a way to lose those nasty Filler Words, yet never make it visible to the eye, or Flow...or Reader ~

     

    I do hope you continue todrop by and joiun us when you can.....we appreciate a Poet who adheres to Rules and trys their best to bring something Creative each week....Bravo!

     

    Good luck to you and God bless you!

     

    Bear ~

     

    Title   9.9...loved it....great choice after all -

    Flow   9.1..quite choppy..but it may be your style...or it could be the rule of no filler words...I'll find out when you join us again -

    Depth   8.8...not a lot of depth...I do wish you had taken more of the lines available to you and given us more.....but stay awake!  :) -

    Theme 9.9...Nicely chosen -

    Feelings   9.05....not realy any feeling going on.....but emotions, yes -

    Grammar   9.2....simple...I would have liked to of seen some metaphores....but only a few -

    Presentation 9.25....different format......not bad -

    Uncommonness  7.9...not orignal....but you would not know this, as you are new to the PO' Contests......this has been done numerous times -

    Sit & Ponder Affect  9.1...I did ponder.....a bit....but because I already know about this topic, nothing really grabbed me -

    Ability to follow Rules  9....one filler word snuck in -

    Bears Score:  91.2

    Not bad for your fist POW!

    No editing until after contest closes please ~


  • trista gold member
    July 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi there, and welcome to the POW!

    Never mind writing school essays...this is how I feel judging the PO contests some nights!

    Okay...this is one of my favorites so far too. I think you did a great job bringing the emotion across, that sense of urgency and panic. My only suggestion would be to use the word "empty" rather than, or in combination with, "unwritten" in your 3d stanza as aboomer suggested. I admit I'd gotten a bit tripped up there also.

    Despite that one filler word that slipped in, it's obvious you've made a serious effort to make this the best it could be before entering it in the POW. While I appreciate that, it doesn't leave a whole lot for me to say in a critique.

    My scores will be in the final notes.

    Good luck and best wishes,
    ~J.


  • aboomer silver member
    July 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Other than one filler word that crept in, the rules were followed nicely.
    For a short write, word-wise, you've packed good imagery and emotion into this. I did not, however, understand your 3rd stanza at all - just didn't make any sense to me the way it was worded - but that could just be me...lol. Maybe:
    "I took wide-eyed purchase,
    lights flashing in mind
    at realization of main window,
    still empty, unwritten." then again, I'm not thrilled with the word 'purchase' in this content.

    All in all, this was one of my favorite reads. A nice entry.

    ** No editing once a judge has commented.
    My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    July 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi and welcome to the POW as I see now all the rules have been followed now on to your poem. I loved this poem it bought back many memories to me of going to school and trying to get term papers turned in It is a personal poem which it is not really uncommom theme but that will not hurt you to much on my scoring as I appericate the write and what you put into goodluck in the contest.My score will be sent in with closing notes


  • NeonRose
    July 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi, and welcome to the POW! Good to have you here!

    I love this write. The urgency and panic comes through strongly in your use of words, and short, dramatic phrasing.

    I would not have hyphenated "The-All-Important"..that caused a stumble for me, but only a slight one. Perhaps quotation marks would have been a better choice if you needed to emphasize. Also, you have a banned word in your first stanza...oops!

    My favorite read so far, for originality and content.

    My scores will appear in final remarks. Best to you in the contest!

    Remember, no editing once a judge has commented!


  • islekine gold member
    July 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Aloha and welcome to POW....

    sorry to say...I would "fire" your editor!!! Your first stanza has a "filler" word....
    Theme is not unique by any means...though you bring it to us in a new light....Thanks for entering! Many judges to come.. my scores will be posted in final notes....Best wishes in the contest!
    Write on!


    REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented on your entry!!


  • notorious
    July 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Ooh this is Featured..nice job dude


  • Badfish
    July 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ahh, that feeling when you wake up and realize you haven't finished the essay? Anyway - I liked this a lot. I thought it was really unique, the "snapped open" sort of snaps the reader into it all over again as well. great job!


  • sailor ptolema
    July 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    yea; I call Jessica Captain Punctuation

    but that aside; this is great; I'd give a more in-depth critique; but I"m tired , and frankly you don't need it. I'd be spewing literary spittle, and no one wants that

    bravo beau!!!!


    ~Pt


  • swim.x
    July 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    It's so... true
    Really well done.

    Swim


  • Sudo Nimh silver member
    July 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    "the All-important window left unwritten".. The idea intrigues my subconcious ..

  • Never Fall in Love
    July 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I disagree with the person below - this has much of an emotional impact and the flow of the poem creates a steady beat - making this enjoyable to read.

    Your theme is completely unique and the fact that I instantly thought of the metaphor intead of what your real theme is depicts that - and further enhances your poem.

    This is effective in just the right places, effective line breaks, heavy on imagery and each letter scribbled with originality. A winner in my view and going in my favourites.

    I will be blunt, if you don't place, the PO judges don't know poetry.

    ♥x.


  • Livingemptyspaces
    July 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Why aren't "Dreaming dizzy" and "counting words" "alarm-sounded" capitalized?

    Or typo for that matter-
    which sounds liked you meant typos


    I can only comment that you did beautiful with the rules.


    Because I don't feel anything here emotion wise. Impact wise.
    Maybe because I don't go there?
    ((I'm not a procrastinator.. >>'))

    Good job and good luck in the contest ^^


    • Age of Rain
      July 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for taking the time to comment I tend not to capitalize my stanzas unless it starts with an I or a name, etc. My style I guess. Typo was actually meant to be typo, otherwise it would read 'typos have' though that might actually be preferable...*ponders*


      • notorious
        July 21, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Your style rocks dude, I love it

      • Livingemptyspaces
        July 20, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        With the just 'Typo had' I feel like you just snatched a the out of there.
        With 'Typos have'.. well I feel like doing one of those boom narrator voices and going ' We were lost in a place.. A place where-"
        But I'm weird like that.

        As for the capitalization thing. If it's your style- then stick with it. I'm just here to point out what's not rule or grammatically correct sounding.


  • notorious
    July 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Still love the poem & my acknowledgment. You rock.


  • Melodies
    July 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Analyzing your style... You set scenes and feelings without any effort to tell a story, yet your poetry does that. You enhance moments in time beautifully and with dramatic flair. You are very good at this.

  • Judith Chandler
    July 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A descriptive and original write and something a lot of us can probably relate to.

    I enjoyed this write.


  • BehindTheShadow
    July 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Great write! Best of luck to you.


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    July 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is wickedly cool! I bet a lot could relate to it! Not me of course... because I never studied or did big essays But then I left school at 15! lol

    Rather than give a detailed comment I will simply confer with all of phantasy's!!

    Love this... Hope you do great in the POW my friend!

    • notorious
      July 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Left school at 15? LMAO, that's my age! How awesome and badass, although I suspect a childhood that Dr. Phil would rip to pieces

      Yes, my comment rocks...HAHAH

  • notorious
    July 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    LoLoL at your acknowledgment. You're forgiven x INFINITY (: (: (: And oh my, I might have up-stepped you in vanity for the acknowledgment thing Oh well.

    Well you already know what I think of this, but here's to long comment galore:

    "eyesores scratched"
    OWWWWW...love "black and white"...It's snappy.

    "dreaming dizzy"
    =D Can't say I've experienced this myself, but good alliteration.

    "weighted lids"
    Better than 'heavy'

    "alarm sounded panic"
    This could use a hyphen or not...you had one before. "Alarm-sounded" would kind of be connected in 'alarm' and sounded' (obviously...I can't explain myself well!!) "Alarm sounded" separately puts more of an emphasis on 'sounded'..
    OH MY GOD I'm not making sense anymore. :/

    "spat speedily"
    Heheh.

    This is so clever...and I believe "typos with claws" was something I inspired in a comment before?

    Or maybe you did. Man, my brain ain't functioning.

    Good luck


  • delightfulmess silver member
    July 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    LMAO I remember those days. I miss school. Yes I know you have a very unique style. I am enjoying reading you


    Delila

1 - 31 of 31