Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read Contests Groups Learn Forums Store Help
 

The Avril Storm

The Avril Storm

By: Star of Atlantis

 

A storm was coming. There was no doubt about it now. The wind had dropped the sky onto the ground with crashing force. The clouds of thick black churned as if a blender, and the moon like a brilliant silver penny floated playfully in the rolling tumbles of the restles sky. The waves beneath her crashed into the cliffs as though they could not wait to get into bed with the shore, and in doing so their love making was fierce, and charged with passion. Thunder rolled along, but without lightning yet...

There was only one watcher out on such a night. The others had long since boarded their shutters, and burrowed into their blankets, with their feet up to the flames of their hearths. There was but one who waited anticipating the storm she was as charged as Saint Elmo's fire. There would be magick tonight, a magick so powerful that the Gods would have to stop and take notice of what was being done below them. Most of the time they ignored the lowly humans, but evey once in a while, there came a child of such power that they were forced to pay attention. Avril waited.

She had climbed to the top of the clifts. Black glass like stones ragged and hungry and slippery even when dry, they were precarious at best when the storms of this magnitude came, yet the rains had yet to start. Avril had made the climb just as the sky had told her that the storm was coming. She stood there as it built from it's infancy. She had streached her spirit out, becoming one with the energy of it as it formed. Now it played with her long brown hair and pulled at the deep blue cloak she let fly like a kite behind her. Her snow white dress billowed out, but still hugged and carressed her, showing the curves of a perfect body, the kind of body that made every man in the village hard as the standing stones on the fairy island not far off the coast from where she stood. Her eyes, an intense blue like that of a pirates jewel could drown you in a glance, watched the sky as the first lightning crashed through the foaming clouds spreading out like a tree. Now was the time...

She had brought none of the usual tools of magick. The elders would have called this foolish, but she was wiser then they were. The traditional tools of staff, or sword, or even crystal wand were nothing to the power burning inside her soul! Her heart would be the beacon, and would slice the night with a powerful lightning of its own!

When the first tree of lightning cracked open the sky ripping at it with its teeth till the rains poured from the heavens, Avril closed her eyes. She lifted one tiny white hand placing the delicate perfect alibaster fingers over her heart and began to tap softly to the rhytm of her heart. Thump... Thump... Thump... then the power came, and she let it carry her up with it. Her hair and dress stuck to her body so tightly by the rain almost choked her, but she kept on, there was no turning back now! Thump... Thump... Thump... now her feet were not on the ground... the wind had begun to listen to her calling it, and had lifted her with the gentleness of a mother picking up her sleeping babe. It carried her light as a feather, out over the unruly sea. Thump... Thump... Boom... Boom... Boom... The storm was listening to her now. Her heart and soul had a voice, louder than the thunder that competed with her calling.

Magick filled her till she glowed with the radiance to rival the Goddess Moon, who was at the height of her power, but she didn't give up, and she didn't open her eyes. This had to work, or she would be lost, and the storm, and the Gods would swallow her, and she would be lost even to the world of the dead!

Boom... Boom... Boom... her consistant tender fingertips tapped out the beat of her heart. Avril knew she was now above the clouds, and that a zillion stars were gazing down on her, but she did not risk opening her eyes. Now she spoke her words to the stars watching her and the storm carrying her. No more than a whisper from her lips, but echoing with the breath of all the storm and its power, it bounded off every house, and ever ear, till all were forced to silence, and need.

"Kale." the single word froze the chaos.

"Avril is calling!" Boom... Boom... Boom...

There was a faint whisper but it reached her ears any way, and she tilted her head to listen... It was still undistinguishable from the wind, but it melted into here like the warmth of the sun, and she realized she was shivering, and almost faltered in the tapping that would have crashed her into the sea where the storm would have ground her body into a bloody pulp against the cliffs of black glass far below her. Avril caught herself just in time and the tapping remained strong. Boom... Boom... Boom...

"Avril..." the whisper a bit stronger now but pained... strained... streatched to close to death, But she was listening!

Boom... Boom... Boom... "I am coming, Kale!" her whisper replied with the magnitude of the storm which was now her voice.

All of a sudden, in her minds eye, she was spinning dizzily out of control. The magick taking her way beyond her abilities. Instinct saved her. Avril reached out her other hand,it was grasped tighly by a strong, large, calloused hand, and she clung to it with her life! Her eyes were tightly shut, but the hand pulled her to him, closing around her till she was cradled against the heaving chest of a man. The tapping stopped when her arms automatically intertwined around him holding him close to her as tightly as she could. Avril didn't need to open her eyes to know where she was, and in whose arms she was now protected and cradled into. He kissed her hair. They crouched together, as the anger of the storm raged against them. They Had defied the Gods, and now the storm was their punishment. Hours, and hours, it raged, but the couple did not let go of each other.

When the storm had spent itself Avril was asleep.

Kale held his most sacred treasure to him. He would have died without her but her love had healed all his wounds. He had been lost to everyone, but the light of her soul had brought him back to the cliffs of his home land. This tiny woman who now slept cradled against him, had risked it all to save him. His love poured over for her. There would be no stopping him now! His father, the King, could banish him now, and he still wouldn't change his mind about this. When Avril woke up, he would marry this little peasant witch, who had brought him home, and he would love her with his soul for the rest of his life, the world be damned!

Avril smiled as she slept in her lover's arms. Kale smiled knowing her dreams were sweet.

The end.

Author notes

ok this is just something that spilled out when the ink tipped over... or in this case when the typing rybon got away from me. i saw the contest pulled up a blank entry form and tipped over the ink and out letp the story. i hope it turned out good. i guess we will see... enjoy

ps.... please oh please do a lot more story contests and ALWAYS tell me about them i cant resist.

A contest entry

please be very detailed in your coments and give me plenty to learn about how you view my piece. thank you.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? Line numbers
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • Arkbear gold member
    July 20

    Edit | Reply

    Welcome to the first SOW!

     

    Let's dig right in :)

     

    This does not even need to be in your intro.>>>>>A storm was coming. There was no doubt about it now. ....begin at, *The wind*

     

    Try not to begin so many lines with, *The*....get right to the subject....>>>Clouds of thick black.........Waves beneath her crashed.....do you see what I am doing?

     

    The moon looks nothing like a penny .....maybe a pearl?

     

    This is gorgeaous..>>>....waves beneath her crashed into the cliffs as though they could not wait to get into bed with the shore, and in doing so their love making was fierce, and charged with passion. Thunder rolled along,

     

    There was only one watcher out on such a night.....OR......Only one brave keeper of the seas protected the night.

     

     

    The others had long since boarded their shutters......boarded?......OR.......secured ~

     

    with their feet......take off, *with*.......we already know they have their feet ~

     

     Saint Elmo's fire....that line *dates* your write....never date your write unless you are assuming a chronological movement in your write ~

     

    *magick*.....this term is only used when you are referencing to witchcraft or wicca.....and I believe you are borderline becaue of your Theme ~

     

    *yet the rains had yet to start*....try not to repeat such simple words....*yet*

     

    *just as the sky had told her that the storm was coming*.....take out *that*.....it is a word over-used and not needed in most cases ~

     

    *.She stood there as it built from it's infancy*.........energy of it as it formed. Now it played* .....do you see how many times you used the word *it*?.....not necessary....you need to describe, and not use your comfort zone *it* -

     

    Avril had made the climb* ......look at how many times you have used the word....*the* in that paragraph ~

     

    ...how about,

     

    Avril ascended upward ~

     

    I want you to look at how many times you are using Filler Words, *it* & *the*..>>>

     

    *When the first tree of lightning cracked open the sky ripping at it with its teeth till the rains poured from the heavens,*.......6 times.....that equals a quarter of your line, as you have 24 words in your line ~

     

    *gazing down on her*,......gazing down *UPON* her ~

     

    *Now she spoke her words to the stars*....why even use the word, *Now*?

     

    She spoke her words to the stars ~

     

    We are going to be teaching you about *Movement Words* later ~

     

    *streatched to close to ....your first to, should be *too* .....and stretched is spelled incorrectly ~

     

    *There was a faint whisper but it reached her ears any way, and she tilted her head to listen*... .........COMMA after whisper............. it touched her lobes, as she tilted her head to listen ~

     

    *All of a sudden, in her minds eye, she was spinning dizzily out of control.*.........( All of a sudden ).......another area of *Movement Words* which is not needed, as we already know this action is happening next ~

     

    *in her minds eye*.....toooo cliche' and does nothing for the Power of this sentence ~

     

    *dizzily*.....an adjective is not needed.....what else would you expect if you are spinning?

     

    *and in whose arms she was now protected and cradled into.*......*into* is not needed, as we know she is being cradled ~

     

    Also....once again....look at how many times you used Pronouns..>>>>

     

    ...Kale held his most sacred treasure to him. He would have died without her but her love had healed all his wounds. He had been lost to everyone, but the light of her soul had brought him back to the cliffs of his home land........11 times!

     

    I hope you are beginning to see you do not need them as much as you think......just turn your lines around a bit, and let the poetic side of your story flow through as well :)

     

     

     

     

    Once again, look at your over-usage of *Filler Words*...>>>They crouched together, as the anger of the storm raged against them. They Had defied the Gods, and now the storm was their punishment. Hours, and hours, it raged, but the couple did not let go of each other.

     

     

    OR......

     

     

    Protecting themselves, as raging stroms continued to form against them.  Gods' had been defied, yet crashing waves continued their punishment.  Hope entwined both souls, as love fought the storms raging fury ~

     

     

    OK....This is enough to let you know what I am going to be looking for as your Judge if you decide to enter again into the SOW Contests ~

     

    I hope you have enjoyed yourself, as I know I have, a great deal ~

     

    I see such talent in your quill, and your Imagination is wonderful.......keep spilling that ink!

     

    Your story is beautiful....however, I would liked to have seen more punctuation to slooooow your Reader down, so we could absorb all of the wonderful imagery throughout your write ~

     

    Let my board continue from here :)

     

    Good luck and God bless you!

     

    Bear ~

     

     

     

     

     

    Title...I would click on this because I enjoy storms -

    Intro...9.5...You got right into it....nice -

    Body....9.2...wordy.....get to the point -

    Rules....9.0...filler words are over-used -

    Theme...9.75....nice focus -

    Grammar...8.0...you will have to work on this area -

    Summary...9.0..you went from body to conclusion -

    Movement....9.8...absolutely wonderful movement -

    Conclusion...9.75..nicely concluded....nice imagery -

    Creativeness..9.15.a taaaad cliche', but you sure did it well -

    Punc/Grammar...9.0..use more, to slow your readers down -

    Bears score:  92.15

    Nice job!

    No editing once Judge has touched your work ~

    • thank you for so much thought and effort put into one of my stories. wow i am soooo happy to have this kind of compliment i wish that the rest of my stories could get this kind of treatmemt. your right about almost all your points but this is a rough entry and is by far not finished i will be coming back to this to play with it again in the future when i have some time to put into it. also i think this may be just the begining for this story and that it has much more to be told. i would like to enter one of my other stories into a contest of this nature but you do not leave these open to prewrites. my time on the computer is usually very limited or this one would have been pollished up a bit more. i would like it very much if you would like to read some of the other stories i have written and give them this kind of attention. i do have dislexia so some spelling errors may slip in to my work cuase lets face it i suck at that. again i would love to know when you have these contests as for sure i will write for them again i like stroy contests as much as i do poetry contests. aslo i have run a few stroy contests in the past but they are usually not too sucessfull as per not as many entries as i would like. i think my theams are too complicated for most. thank you again for the envestment in my story and let me know if you want to read another of my stroies... ill give you the titles any time

  • trista gold member
    July 20

    Edit | Reply
    Hi and welcome to the SOW!

    There is sooo much thought that really needs to go into a good short story. So on that note, considering this sounds like it came to you quickly, I'm impressed. One of the most important elements of a story is its theme, or underlying message. If you have a good idea what that is, it makes writing the rest of the story much easier. We do ask (it's a rule, in fact) that you put your theme and "SOW contest" in your author notes...so a slight deduction there, but something I'm sure you'll remember next time...and I really do hope we'll see you again in these contests!

    Okay...the basic elements of a story ~ beginning, middle, and conclusion ~ are all here. As islekine mentioned, there's a lot of times you use the word "now". It, like the words "then", "after that", "next" etc. usually aren't needed to "move" a story along...try cutting them out, and see if it really makes any difference to your story. Sometimes they are needed...but usually not. "Filler" words are not an issue to me...because this is prose...and your basic sentence structure, grammar, and punctuation will score pretty well, I think. A couple typos or misspelled words, but nothing major.

    I do like to see more "show" than "tell" and that is probably the area I'd like to see you work most on. Toward the end of your story, where Avril and Kale are talking, I really felt I was "in" the story, verses the beginning where so much is told...or explained...if that makes sense. One example, compare "She had climbed to the top of the clifts." to..."Avril climbed to the top of the cliffs". See the difference? (I hope? lol)

    There are a few loose ends in your plot, IMO...I wasn't really clear how or why Kale was in such peril, and how Avril knew this...or the storms exact connection...I think I know what you wanted to convey... Remember that YOU always know more about your story and characters than your readers do, so it's important to make sure you're giving enough information that all elements are understood.

    Great job on the imagery, and I felt a lot of emotion; it was very tense throughout the story, and that's a difficult thing to maintain through an entire story. All in all, a fantastic effort on a first draft. I hope you'll work on this a bit more to polish it up; there's a gem beneath just a wee bit of dust, IMO.

    Other areas I looked at will be shown in my scores...which will come in the final notes of the contest.

    Good luck to you, and hope to see you back again soon!
    Best wishes,
    ~J.
    P.S. Remember...no editing once a judge has commented, until contest has concluded.

    • i would love to have had more time on the computer to really play with this one. i wrote it in about an hour. and well since i dont have any online access at my home and get to a computer with it rarely i didnt get to it before you did. i am extreemly thankful for your time and investment into my story and for the comments you left here for me. i would like it if you would allow some prewrites as per i have lots of more pollished stories on here that i would love to have this kind of attention. please tell me when aother contest of this nature will be run as i would love to enter as many of these as i can. i dont know how well that will work with my limited time to online access but i shall do my best thank you again for your comment and if you ever want to read another of my stories let me know and i would be happy to give you a title.
  • Hello there and welcome to Sow
    After reading through this piece quite a few times I will have to say it is an enjoyable write. There are alot of filler words in here and there are also quite a few times where my brain could not grasp certain pieces of this story I think it would of been better if I would of found more earlier on.I would of love to see more detail also.Goodluck in this contest best wishes.My score will be added at the end of the contest.
    • thank you for taking the time to come in and comment on my story it seams all of you have the same thing to say so i will take it into advisement when i go to the rewrite on this one and i will do some pollishing up on it a bit. when i finish i will let you know and you can tell me if you like the second draft better. also i loved the contest and will enter these as often as i can per no one ever runs story contests much on here. and i do not have a lot of online access but will do my best to enter often. i wish you would allow prewrites as per i have a few on here that i would like to put into a contest and this seams the best place for them. thank you again for the comment

    • Arkbear gold member
      July 21
      Edit | Reply
      More better?

      Hi Starz!

      • funny more better is my biggest english pet peeve.... better already emplies more but i know your just teasing me how are you.
      • Grammer snob lol

        Thanks for pointing that out can you tell my Summer days are hetic with Genna home from school.

  • islekine
    July 20

    Edit | Reply

    Aloha and welcome to the first SOW!!

    I am new to judging this...so bare with me...I am going to give you my opinions...and they are just that...I score short stories with the following scorecard:
    Title
    Theme
    Story line
    Creativity
    Flow
    Conclusion
    Impact
    Grammar/Punctuation
    Format
    Rules
    So with that being said....I liked your story...it was a great fantasy....your characters should have been introduced, sooner and in more depth...in my opinion.
    But you brought them to life well....You used a lot of excess "filler" words....and you have some extremely long run-on sentences...there are also a lot of "now"s
    that could be eliminated...this affects flow a bit...
    Since this is the first contest...I'm going to stop...
    and see what the other judges have to say...my score
    will be in final notes...Best wishes in the first SOW!!!
    REMEMBER: No editing now that a judge has commented on your work!!!
    Write on!

    • thank you for the comments and i will take into the advisment all that you have said and wait for the nex one i am sure that it will be a good submission from me
  • davidwright silver member
    July 18
    Edit | Reply
    Great story and well written. Good luck in the contest and happy trails
1 - 12 of 12