I look at you and wonder where you’ve gone and where you’ve been,
And see how much I care? I’m still looking for you…
You seem so lost, and hurt, and down. I can’t decide where to begin,
And I still love you, always will; and this is swear to you is true.
You say you’re weak, but I see you strong,
And when I look in your eyes I see you free and happy.
It can happen, Baby, you know I’m not wrong.
We can fall together into the nothing that is the bottom,
And see how much I care? I’m here to catch your tears…
We can pick each other off the floor. I haven’t forgotten
How you rescued me from my troubles and saved me a few years.
I’ll hold your head above water if you’ll only hold mine, too,
It doesn’t have to be so dark and empty where we are.
We can make it, Baby, we really can. I love you; I really do.
You tell me you’re this monster and you tell me it’s getting bad,
But see how much I care? I’m still standing by your side…
You say that you are breaking, all these words that make me sad
But I still love you, always will; no matter what you have inside.
You look at me and tell me, ‘I’m sorry (in advance).’
For the things that you will put me through when things get out of hand.
All I can say to that is, Baby, I forgive you (in advance).
Author notes
This poem is actually for someone, and before I give it to him, I want to make sure that it's PERFECT - or as close to perfect as is possible. It was really difficult to write, as I could barely think past the noise in my head, but I did the best I feel I could... PLEASE help in any way you can... Please, please, please and thank you
JADE RAYNE*
So... This is really rough. It was really hard for me to get out, and I just couldn't seem to think of the right words. ANY feedback would be great, but I'm mostly looking for editing advice and such.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I think this is a well-written emotional piece. I can feel the emotions pouring out on the paper, which I can't say about every piece I read.
I read your page and it seems you've been struggling to write which is a major pain, but it sounds like it is for good reason. Glad to hear you are feeling better these days, and congrats on the new job.
Maybe try writing a totally different style poem. Maybe something about the mixed emotions of feeling better but not being able to write. Maybe something about looking back and remembering how you felt (and maybe reaching out to someone else feeling like you did) or maybe go in the totally opposite direction and try a funny poem (my favorite type.) Either way, hope things continue to go well, and hopefully the muse returns soon (how about a poem about xerox's
.)
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I think it is just perfect just the way it is. Your love is obvious and the emotion is strong. I can see how this would be really hard to write but you did wonderful. Good luck to you both.
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wow
i sorta can relate but not completly
i like this go ahead give it to him
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I LOVE the seven-stanza rhyme scheme. I may have to try it myself
-To make the poem look nicer, instead of using parentheses you could use one or two dashes (i dont know which one is gramatically correct) because the parentheses interupt the flow of the poem.
-I agree with one of the other comments, the lines are a little long
-Consider the punctuation, I think you might have used too much punctuation and I'm not sure the dot dot dots work.
-You might want to add some more imagery although I KNOW thats hard for this type of poem.
-Good job getting the emotions out =]
Anonymousxo -
Beautifully written out! This is a great poem. It captures your feelings well. Great job.
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Can hear this playing in my head already. Really like the image of drowning as it captures the mood and sense of love/loyalty very effectively.I do like this but structurally I feel your lines are somewhat overly long and could do with either repunctuating or editing. Also if you're using enjambement, technically you don't need to start each line with a capital letter, I know it's nitpicky but by doing this it aids the flow and lets the thoughts run into each other. Similarly try and avoid using such final punctuation such as ; or . in the middle of lines as again the overusage can mar your flow and rhythm. Hope these have been of help to you? I'd like to see where you go with this.
Cheers. -
To own your feelings and put them from pen to paper, I think you wrote your thoughts out wonderfully. It isn't always easy to release the emotional side of ones thoughts constructively, but I think you did a fine job at getting your point across.
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Hmm... it almost seems like it could be lyrics rather than a poem. All you need is an acoustic guitar.
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Lyrics... hmm. I didn't think of it that way before...
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You have done a great job putting some painful feelings and thoughts onto paper. This is not always an easy thing to do but writing can be so healing. I wish you the best with the person you are giving this write to. I don't really have any editing advice to give you. Blessings, Patty
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