I live alone, on these falling walls
they crumble as pain, passion, and pleasure
are witnessed
through layers slapped upon me.
Lives built, destroyed, ended.
I breathe their stories.
Bloodless, discoloured,
dust caked on my face,
I age,
peel,
sag from my body, wrinkled, yellowed.
Torn from my home,
piece by piece, they rip from my body
becoming a soggy, bloody mass.
Living on only
through memories engraved in their minds,
those whose stories I had carved into my skin.
Discarded.
Swept from their lives like
dead flies from a window sill,
gone.
Author notes
*POW Contest*
This is about Wallpaper.
This isn't what I had originally written, the first copy was much better in my opinion. But when I had finished the first draft, I accidentally pressed the back button, and all was lost.
I cried.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended July 21, 2008, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What be your thoughts?
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Original
I enjoyed this write though the author's notes really were necessary in order to figure out the subject. "Dead flies from a window sill" -- I like that metaphor.
Congrats on the gold trophy.
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thank you!
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Congratulations Sweety
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Hey there :)
I have to agree with your other Judges on what they have said.....however, I truly enjoy the bloody mess part.....I think it gives an old, erie feel to your Tone and allows me to feel the pain of the paper being torn, ripped, shreaded and discarded.....well done :)
I do, however, wish you would have taken this a tad further in your approach to your Theme.....you had many more lines to utilize, and I was really getting into your thoughts.......and then you ended it :(
Nonetheless, a very powerful write with enough Imagery to really pull me in and make me want to continue reading ~
Yes, there are some areas of concern with punctuation, but nothing too serious as to take away from your write or ruin your Flow ~
Over-all....a nice piece of Art packed with imagination......and THAT, is the way you get my attention ~
Good luck and God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 9.85...I would click on this Title -
Flow 9.8....nice job...poetic, but still lots of dark depth -
Depth 9.5....lots of depth....just not enough of it -
Theme 9.9...Nicely chosen -
Feelings 9.5....I was engaged in your personification -
Grammar 9.65....simple, yet affective -
Presentation 9.5...usually not a fan of long/short llines, but your Tone kept me ingrossed -
Uncommonness 10....most unique -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.9...I did ponder, for sure -
Ability to follow Rules 9.75...watch those filler words! -
Bears Score: 97.35
Great job!
No editing until after contest ~
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This is really good. very vivid imagery. in the first line, IMO you should have used 'in' instead of 'on' though. but great write.
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Hi there, and welcome to the POW!
After I read this the first time I thought of the saying, "If walls could talk", for that's exactly what you've made them do. A wonderful job with personification, and it is indeed a unique theme from my perspective also.
"becoming a soggy, bloody mass."
As has been mentioned, "bloody" is a hard word to accept. I think, had it read, "like a soggy, bloody mass" I might have accepted it easier. However....just a few lines before that, you have "bloodless"...so I feel there is a definite contradiction. In general it's not a good idea to repeat words or forms of the same word anyway, because it can take away some of its impact. Or, like in this case, it becomes contradictory. Some good alternatives have been suggested already, so I won't go there myself.
All in all, I was impressed with this and can't find too much else to actually "critique". I think I'll leave it at that, and let my score speak the rest.
Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck!
Best wishes,
~J.
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Hi and welcome to the POW as I see now all the rules have been followed now on to your poem
I did like this write the form and flow threw me off a bit but my mind stummbled around it and all in all I did enjoy this I have not seen a wallpaper poem before so to me it is original I think that your word choices are great. I also noticed some word changes in here from my last reading of this poem.My score will appera with my final notes Goodluck in the contest -
I really like this theme....it's unique and you've done it in an interesting way. But.....I could almost swear you have changed this since yesterday...lol...and I really liked what you had before better than this edit. And I'm sure that you had the title correct before, didn't you? And I'm sorry you 'lost' your original - that can be so frustrating!
I love to wallpaper and even do crafts with wallpaper - so I found it hard to relate to your 'bloodless' and 'bloody'.....I find it to be more like 'gooey' 'sticky' or 'dry and flakey'...lol.
I like your title. Other than one filler word that crept in, rules were followed nicely. I liked your wording on this (or most of it) - nicely done. You've got some good, strong lines in this.
Over-all, one of my favorite reads.
** No editing once a judge has commented.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
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Hi, and welcome to the POW! Good to have you here!
I really like your theme...and you have handled it quite well.
I commiserate with you on the loss of your original..I know what that is like, having done it myself on occasion.
You have used personification cleverly here, with good result.
One thing I do notice immediately; you have not 'reversed' your title in the body of the poem, which is one of the POW rules.
I do have a few suggestions that you may or may not apply once the contest is over.
In your first stanza, I would put a period after 'walls' and begin a new sentence for second line. Also, a 'filler' word snuck in there, which could be eliminated.
I would eliminate the phrases 'from my body' and 'bloodless' and 'bloody'. Perhaps 'lacking sustenance' or 'dried and cracking' would work in stanza three. In stanza four, bloody could read 'becoming a soggy, dismembered mass' perhaps. Somehow, I could not get my mind to accept anything 'bloody' about wallpaper.
I love the phrase 'stories I had carved into my skin.', and also your closing stanza.
Overall, I found this interesting and well worded, aside from the 'blood' reference. Good job!
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented!
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Thank you very much.
About the title, I had a line with the words 'crumbling walls' in the poem, but I edited it out, and forgot to change the title to something different. Thank you for pointing that out!
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Very creative theme!
Title not used correctly. One tiny filler word, and you didn't need the "and" lol... I would have found a different word other than "bloody" I just don't see wallpaper in that light...
Your format???? is different....all in all a very worthy write ...in my book...
My scores will come in final notes.
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
REMEMBER: No editing, not that a judge has commented on your entry!! -
=o
You followed all the rules to a T.
Though.. I might point out
The first two lines read really awkward. And you have a period at the end of line three- but no capitalization in the fourth line.
Just stopping by to help everyone out
-Les -
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Thanks for the help,
I edited the first three lines, is it less awkward? If not I can edit again.
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