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As I walk



I must walk beside my mistress, on the way to see the moon.
      There's a road beside her castle in the sky.
When you've crossed the bridge of crystal you'll be there so very soon
      But be sure to ring ahead she's rather shy.
In the castle we are crossing live the maidens of the night,
Who must roam across the milky way to give the stars their light.

My mistress is a supplicant who'll ask the moon for love,
     She has fallen for a poet's rhyming words.
So she's dreamed the magic roadway to her goddess up above

     And she walks beside me singing to the birds.

When you've fallen for a poet there's so little you can do,

Just dream that you can ask the moon to intercede for you.

 

Now she's sitting with her goddess, sipping nectar, drinking wine

     And she's asking that her poet falls for her.

Then the goddess tells her kindly just to look out for a sign

     That the rhymer has a heart he can confer.

As I eat the magic grasses that are washed by lunar springs

I feel tingling in my backbone where I'm growing mighty wings.

 

Now my mistress mounts me calmly and I fly her back to bed,

     Where her hair is spread like laughter on the sheet.

There's the song of stars and moonlets softly ringing in her head

     And a feeling that her mission is complete,

And she wakes up in the morning to a sonnet and a rose,

That were left there by a poet with a lovesong to compose.

 

 

 

Author notes

The picture is a contest prompt and is from
http://tn3-1.deviantart.com/fs30/300W/f/2008/175/9/6/96d02c863eec8231fb384e2a02652eb7.jpg

Just a brief note on form, on a suggestion from Sue Cardwell I have separated the couplets from my ababcc sixaines here to see if that makes the verse appear less intimidating, I would welcome comments on that. I decided I didn't like it, I have now indented the shorter lines, see how that works.

The meter is based on what I call "extended ballad measure" (alternating iambic iambic heptameter/pentameter) save that each line starts with an anapaest rather than an iamb and the couplets consist of a pair of heptameteric lines.

I've used the sixaines a couple of times lately (I borrowed them from Shakespeare ) but the exact meter is new to me so comments on that too are especially welcome

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? Line numbers
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Comments

1 - 30 of 30

  • Naridill gold member
    August 22

    Edit | Reply
    Adorable method and the content is fluent through beauty. I found it touching yet perfectly align with the form.


  • Angelicsoul gold member
    August 20

    Edit | Reply
    I've never seen this form before, but I love it, and may have to try it! The long/short, long/short lines are interesting to read, immediately appealing, and didn't stop it from flowing, and the indentations work well and definitely serve to make it a less daunting read. Beautiful.

  • sandybeaches gold member
    August 20

    Edit | Reply
    This enchanted tale is simply enchanting! I read it out loud and it flows ever so nicely. Pam

    . Rewarded 4


  • Elfin silver member
    August 20

    Edit | Reply
    Well Jeff, far be it from me to find any fault with a gold trophy winner. I found the whole thing enchanting and was left wanting to know more about your mistress. I thought that the last stanza was exqisite and her hair spread like laughter on the sheets a beautiful metaphore. I just loved it what more can I say?

    . Rewarded 6


  • storiesuntold gold member
    August 20
    Edit | Reply

    Well worth the gold

    Such an excellent write and so very mystical I loved every word

  • kraazk05
    August 20

    Edit | Reply
    I don't think you have much to worry about in terms of using meter properly. The best way to tell if it's right is to read it aloud and listen for hiccups. There isn't one here. Superb take on the prompt.

    Fantastic job, and congratz on the hardware.

    . Rewarded 4


  • PassionsPromise gold member
    August 12

    Edit | Reply
    A beautiful piece indeed and in one kiwiws awesome.

    then we knew that, she loves magical and this piece rings that loud and clear.

    Congrats on Gold

    Love
    Passions


  • heygoo
    August 12

    Edit | Reply
    Now, I cannot comment on your form or meter, as I am not good at either. As for content and appeal may I give you high marks, though. Your storytelling is just superb and your visual technique is stunning. A very nice piece, to be sure.

  • You've done it again

    Wow! This is lovely! I picked up on the rhythm after reading the first two lines. I am also new to poetry...I don't know why I like some things, and dislike others, Only that I do; or don't! If there is an open offer to all, for help understanding different forms and Rhyme and rhythm, I would accept the help and would be forever beholding. I read some of your creations and I want to throw away all my writing material and surrender. But, then I am inspired to work harder to create... Thank you for that, it is bound to make me a better writer. This write is definitely worth its' weight in gold. Thank you again. I stand in awe!
    WoodsonRoundtree

  • Outstanding

    I really liked the last couplet. This is a great fantasy poem that captures the imagination. I liked the fine detail and the over all flow. This is an original poem that includes well-crafted rhyme. Congratulations on the gold trophy.


  • Fourthaxis
    July 21

    Edit | Reply
    I am totally new to form poetry and understand it only through instinct so take my comments with a pinch of salt Initially I found it hard to catch its pulse but after re-reading the first verse I got the hang of it, and it was surprisingly up-beat!!
    I've read some of your other poems too and honestly speaking, I only took up writing in form recently, because you inspired me .....Keep writing! You are truly gifted with words!
    Peace
    Anansey

    • cricketjeff gold member
      July 21
      Edit | Reply
      WOW If I have tempted another poet to try form I feel so honoured!!!
      If there is anything I can do to assist please let me know Sue Cardwell and I run a series of contests from her home page called "Dalaney" contests for newcomers to rhyme and flow, I think one has just finished and the next won't start until tonight but if you want to put you talent on show, get advice and probably pick up a cup come along and give it a go

      And I'm glad you had a second try to get the right cadence to read my piece I tried to make it something new because these are a beautiful series of pictures and getting the right flow makes or breaks form poetry.

      Thank you for your very kind words.

      Jeff

  • LadyDementia gold member
    July 20

    Edit | Reply
    You have woven a magical tale with your quill. Beautifully told with superb imagery. I know little of form but to me it didn't miss a beat. An excellent write. Thanks for your entry and good luck
  • Awww that's such a sweet and magical tale! I love how you did it from the perspective of the horse! And how you included love for a poet in this!

    Wonderful write

  • Wolf Mancini
    July 18

    Edit | Reply

    Masterwork

    I am no one to even comment on such masterful crafting of love and story within pure poetry....
    There was absolutely no effort involved in reading. I say it actually embraces the reader and carries them softly along...like a canoe floating down a placid river.

    Sorry to be long winded, but this is truly fabulous!

    wolf


  • moonbumps silver member
    July 18

    Edit | Reply
    All of this is just mmmm....but the last verse leaves me floating on air...'hair spread like laughter on the sheet'...that is sheer magic! This is Gold Gold Gold!
    xxx Bumpy

  • An awesome fantasy write. The way you have used your meter has lifted the magikal essence beautifully, other than that I bow to your greater experience with things metrical. I agree with Sue separating the couplets is a good thing, but that's more to do with my love of artistry, to me its HD poetry this way.

  • This is a very enchanting work. I like your sestets and do not see the need to seperate the couplets. I like this and from now on will think of you as the entire horse. Three enchanted bunnies for you.

    . Rewarded 4


  • Shadowfox-06
    July 18
    Edit | Reply

    That's a good'n!

    Nice one!

  • Eusebius
    July 18

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    Wisful, enchanting and so very lovely! I can't help but think that this would be splendid in a child's book of rhymes (do they compile such things anymore?) a perfect poem for the illo. bravo... bravo...


  • NurseyPoo
    July 18

    Edit | Reply
    I absolutely love the flow of this. You nailed it perfectly. The words themselves are perfect for the message and all in all it's the most rhythmic I've read in a long time. Pen on...

    . Rewarded 4


  • Hermana
    July 18
    Edit | Reply

    I like it

    fun poem to read and then it is a dream


  • Volfeng gold member
    July 18

    Edit | Reply
    nicely penned, I frankly don't see the problem with "rhyming" as opposed to "rhymed" words. I honestly think "Rhyming" flows better in the overall timing.

    . Rewarded 4


  • Cynewulf
    July 18

    Edit | Reply
    I like it, I think I am going to give you 3 of the yellow blokes just for starting lines with anapaests! You know what A.E. Housman said about those. I think you have done well with the whole metrical idea. It is very interesting indeed. I wouldn't worry about borrowing from 'Will' either, I am sure he doesn't mind. Nice poem!

    . Rewarded 6


  • neurosine gold member
    July 18

    Edit | Reply
    poet's rhyming words. could.should be poets rhymed words...
    The piece seems stilted...almost like you thought too much about what you wrote instead of writing what you thought and felt.
    So...the delays...Flow with it more.
    You've got the ability...but it's not realized here.

    • cricketjeff gold member
      July 18
      Edit | Reply
      can't think of any reason why they should be rhymed rather than rhyming words, unless they suddenly cease to rhyme of course ...
      But thanks for the comment I am always keen to know how my poetry is perceived.
  • Thomas Scott gold member
    July 18

    Edit | Reply

    Amazing

    "be sure to ring ahead she's rather shy"

    and maidens wandering across the sky to light the milky way


    it's just one delightful surprise after another

    Your stuff is so smooth, so slick you could put it on doornobs to keep the kids out.

    Tom


    • cricketjeff gold member
      July 18
      Edit | Reply
      so smooth, so slick you could put it on doorknobs to keep the kids out.

      I can see me stealing that in a poem!!!

      Thank-you you are too kind

  • Sue Cardwell silver member
    July 18

    Edit | Reply
    This is a very beautiful story that tells a great tale with a very romantic twist in the tale. Well done

    All the best in the contest

    Sue

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