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Wrapping Beauty


like a poker,
she picked at coals
& blew on curiosity's

embers


she bent forward,
scalding tresses &
exploring fingers


they wrapped her up


yet her shawl was fire,

an occulent emerald

flashing the verdant lie;
submission
Israeli passions smoldering
'neath sexist stricture


she taunted tresses
and beckoned cloth,

fierce disregard;
unyielding


they smacked her back


but she
refused


to bruise.

 

 

Author notes

Credit Artist: Behind Your Illusion II by littlemewhatever
Um....*sighs* I don't know. I had inspiration for this...but I lost it. I hope this is alright.

A contest entry

Critical Critique Desired.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 18 of 18
  • ecrivain01
    July 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Congrats on the Gold trophy.

    You've certainly got a lot of imagery in this. Whether it all goes together is another story, but it's certainly there.

    Anyway, you've obviously got a poet's soul and that's far and away the major and salient point.


  • Ithica silver member
    July 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Powerful piece!!! You are such a talent... Love the strength of your femme fatale... The Gold is well plced here!!!

  • notorious gold member
    July 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Since you won...applause...oh, AND PIF


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    July 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I like the deep thought behind this!! Submissive cultures are so freakin oppressive, it drives me nuts... so go her!!!

    Awesome poem.. and now I'm definitely not entering this contest

  • notorious gold member
    July 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    "curiosity's embers"<-sets me in a blaze


  • notorious gold member
    July 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Your inspiration is clear in this--I love it Greeny.

    Oh yes, your title makes me think both of wrapping paper & Sleeping Beauty... Neato.

    "like a poker,
    she picked at coals
    & blew on embers
    of curiosity"
    Damn, you BEGIN the poem with a freaking simile, and the simile is so cleverly constructed... Although, I can't help but think that it might be more interesting if it was "curiosity's embers". I've always liked abstract notions being...possessive of a noun (just not when it's overdone). Tell me what you think of this idea...

    "a green-eyed monster"
    This could easily be something more fabulous & unique. For some reason, 'green-eyed' made me think of goblin. If you could insert 'goblin-green' or something similar in your poem anywhere, you will be my religion.

    "the verdant lie,
    submission"
    LMAO...it's a chick who knows what she wants...(:

    "fierce disregard;
    unyielding"
    I love the word 'unyielding'--there's so much strength about it.

    "but she refused to bruise."
    Okay...2nd time you've used the word 'but'. I think the instance of 'but' here should stay...but the first 'but' (all this talk of 'but' makes me think of asses) could be altered...just my opinion.

    I know I made lots of suggestions, but only 'cause I saw so much potential in something that was already presented to me FANTASTICALLY

    Good luck, and tell me what ya think of the suggestions


  • Topaze
    July 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    He He, I love it, my best wishes always.


  • sailor ptolema
    July 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    bwahahahahhahahahhahaahhahahahahhahahahhahahahahhahahahhahahahhahahahahhhhhhhhahhhaha

  • notorious gold member
    July 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I like Chuck Taylors.


    • Age of Rain
      July 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      and I like Chuck. Both the show, and the character from Pushing Daisy's. But who doesn't? Am I right?

1 - 18 of 18