I know now this is who
I really am inside
I stare down at me
from years across time
seven
I remember
fucking seven
"you're a big boy now...
big boys are good.
Big boys listen to their elders"
I was so eager.
eager to finally be the good boy.
because I had been naughty for forever.
and it made me sad
It hurt.
It hurt and I cried.
But I didn't complain.
just rolled on my side after
whimpered and passed out.
I wouldn't complain.
If this is what being good was.
It hurt to walk
and sit.
But he smiled and patted my head.
said I was such a good boy.
It made me happy.
It hurt but it was good.
and after a while
it hurt less
and then I stopped crying.
then I enjoyed it
not just because it
made me a good boy
but because it felt good.
then he began to teach me
all the ways I could be good.
some of them felt good
others hurt a lot
He told me not to talk
about how I was being a good boy
said they were secret lessons
on how to be one.
we went out for the afternoon
but we didn't come home
for three weeks
we stayed in a roachy motel
and I hurt always
But then one day.
the door was broke open
and these men in helmets
took me away
they put me in my parent's arms
and my mother and my father
showered me in kisses and
better feelings
and I was happy
again
I stare at the ceiling
and then at the person laying next to me
He tells me I'm such a good boy
and I can't help but smile
because I am
and when I'm good
people love me
sometimes being a good boy
I get hurt but
it's worth it
if it means they love me.
I know this
is really who I am.
call me a slut
a whore
a fag.
I don't care.
because when I do this
when I let myself go
and become that seven year old again
that submissive eager good boy
people love me.
Author notes
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wrarw!™
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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huh, I really hate to do this, but I'm a Criminology/Philosophy major that used to major in Psychology. So I find the sociological and psychological undertones to this very interesting.
Anyways, you may find this little reference pretty interesting too.
I was reminded of this immediately when you started talking about wanting to be a "good-boy"
http://allpsych.com/psychology101/moral_development.html
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I think you got it PERFECTLY.
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wow, this is undiscribable. Dripping with emotion. Words cant begin to express how well written this is. I'm so sorry you had to go through tht if its a tru story. I think you are more than the eager 7 yr old boy.But you are who u want 2 b. Its beautiful, u an the poem.
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dude this is harsh I dont even know what to say when you write these one's, I agree with blue though that isnt love its a twisted dis illusion used to cover up what is wrong if that makes any sense to you, I wish you the best in life and hope that you find the truth within yourself dude its there if you just search for it
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thanks Lucian ^_^
that's an entire paragraph.. wow.
I appreciate the comment and'll look into fixin' myself
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crayola I cry for you I am sitting here in tears and praying and hoping that one day you will finally see that is not love. Love is not suppose to hurt. Some day you will be able to seperate these feelings with being good and being loved. I love you crayola for the very wonderful, caring, intelligent, fun person you are I'm sorry that you and so many wonderful children are hurt like this. Keep your head up!
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