Target Practice by Age of Rain at All poetry

she was a loaded gun,
cocked
& ready
to smile

men tripped triggers
on lips
that pierced wine;
willingly...
they drank her thirst

she danced shells,
calculated movements
steeling confidence
as events firmly
clicked
into place

& she

stalked,

stilettos primed
like hair triggers;

eyes zeroed in

on their measured effect

she smiled;

bullet lips bitten

to pierce

the soul

who would kiss her cartridge
first.

A contest entry

Why Not? by Hebz. 395 points, ended August 24, 2008, 54 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest

Critical Critique Desired.

Comments

1 - 17 of 17

By me, right now

Adding your comment:
Sweet Impatience
July 29, 2008

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Amazing write. the imagery and the metaphors are outstanding. I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. you have a thought provoking poem here. one that I love.

good luck in the contest

kat
sunray
July 29, 2008
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Exciting
Visual expression
stylization
July 24, 2008

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Lovely metaphor here, gorgeous imagery... the font is hard to pull off but lent something extra to it. Gorgeous. Best of luck in the contest!
Hebz
July 24, 2008

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I"m impressed!!

This's totally amazing, like the images much, all of it!!

Thnx for entering & Best of Luck

GloriousGift
Heba
mysticstorm
July 21, 2008

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It is you all the way...very great metaphor and imagery throughout...so very thought provoking and twisted...it leaves one wondering and wanting all at the same time...arn't we all attracted to danger...
Great work as always my friend.
mystic
notorious
July 19, 2008

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I like that she WAS a loaded gun, not that she had one. It's even groovier.

"men tripped triggers"
Love that.

"they drank her thirst"
Weird, but cool.

"steeling confidence"
Hmm...did you mean 'stealing' or did you mean 'steeling' like...the way you have now? Either way, it's nifty.

"stilettos primed like hair triggers"
Interesting...sounds like a seductress ho to me!

"kiss her cartridge"
HAHAHAHA how cohesive & awesome
Melodies
July 19, 2008

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OH MY GOSH... you wrote this in three minutes? Well, you have hit the big time as a writer, then. There's no such thing as writer's block, by the way. Writers download like a snap, and you qualify... forever and ever, amen and AMEN!
Sesheta
July 18, 2008

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I found this metaphor to be quite intriguing, and very interesting to read all the way through! "cocked & ready to smile" was a pleasant surprise, and I love the last stanza. Three minutes--what amazing speed! Fabulous!
delightfulmess
July 18, 2008

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3 MINUTES! Holy smokes!
imagine what you could do in 20

You certainly carry a profound twist to your words.

Adored stanza 2 and 5

Excellent job here

Delila
- Age of Rain
  July 18, 2008
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  <3
And Hyetal
July 18, 2008
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I love the end.
SueRee
July 17, 2008

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Good thought, but
Verse 2 has "tripped triggers on lips that pierced wine" - a good image and layered metaphors.
I needed the last verse to be split into 2; 1 about the target of something - her eyes, voice, etc.
Then another verse about the cartridge piercing his (or her??) heart to love or lack thereof.
Spend another 5 or 10 minutes to develop this into a great femme fatale Write!
- Age of Rain
  July 17, 2008
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  Thanks so much! I completely agree with your first suggestion, 'eye swept stare' or some such. The second one, I'm not sure exactly what you mean though. Could you elaborate?
SummerlandRayne
July 17, 2008

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Perfect imagery!
Love the substance of this verse...and the white on black...such a piercing write. Loved it!

Az
- Age of Rain
  July 17, 2008
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  Thank you so much!!!
Soft-Rain
July 17, 2008

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Wow this is very good and sensualy dark,great write!

Cant believe it was wrote in 3 minutes wow!
I wont try to edit lol I cant even edit my own!

Excellent!
~Lisa~
- Age of Rain
  July 17, 2008
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  <3 Thank you!