The rain fell in heavy drops,
Descending from the moonlit sky.
The glistening water made ripples,
Making tiny waves in the pond.
The weeping willow leans to caress the water,
As the gentle breeze sweeps the leaves.
A gold-fish darts amongst the lilies,
Flashing silver in the darkness.
An owl hoots far in the distance,
The other trees shudder and shiver.
A sleek cat slinks through the grass,
Swaying exotically towards the pool.
It takes a drink, dipping in a paw,
Silhouetted against the sky.
As a sleepy sun rises again,
The birds sing, "Good morning."
The black cat dissapears,
As dawn lights the garden once more.
A contest entry
- Open Contest for Ages 10 - 16 :) by Veronica Leigh.
525 points, ended August 1, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by aeolia.
400 points, ended October 26, 2008, 128 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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"A gold-fish darts amongst the lilies">>> should just be 'gold fish' . No hyphen is needed
Here is a possible edit.... explanation is below.
The rain fell in heavy drops
descending from the moonlit sky
The glistening water made ripples
making tiny waves in the pond
The weeping willow leans to caress the water
as the gentle breeze sweeps the leaves
A gold fish darts amongst the lilies
flashes silver in the darkness>changed to 'flashes' b/c sometimes 'ing' words detract.
An owl hoots far in the distance
the other trees shudder and shiver
A sleek cat slinks through the grass
swaying exotically towards the pool
It takes a drink, dipping in a paw
silhouetted against the sky
As a sleepy sun rises again
the birds sing, "Good morning"
The black cat disappears>>>>>> corrected spelling here
as dawn lights the garden once more
~~~~
Ok; this is a very strong and visually appealing poem.! I'm so impressed !
This is better than half of the poems by adults that I have read today
!
Ok; so I broke up the poem. It allows for a more even flow.
I also eliminated the commas and periods at the end of the lines. Simple pausing at the end of the line will work well. Sometimes no punctuation can really help the poem
Also; I got rid of the capitalization of the first letter of every line. I am not a fan of that style; as I don't think it really does much to enhance the poem or make it stronger. I think it reads more naturally using only proper capitalization.
Now; these are simply my suggestions; take them or leave them
I just wanted to show you some other ways to format the poem
I enjoyed this piece a lot !!!!!
-sailor ptolema
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Beautiful imagery, this is a really beautiful poem, Well done
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Nicely Done
Fantastic job! This is really beautiful and I could see everything as you told it. Wonderful job! You really painted an incredible picture.
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really nice poem you got there
hay im madmaddy i'm one of animals friend's and angel Exits you have a really nice poem great work
also you really pulled the reader in
and i'm andding you to my favourites list
P.s this website is pretty amazing because you live in
great brittin was it ?
and i live i AUSTRALIA cairns QLD
Loved the poem keep working
love madmaddy and i;'m not really mad its just the name i came up with
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Sisters!
My mum loved this poem and I tried to get my sister (8) to listen too. But guess what, half way through she says; Yeah, So? Sisters.
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