~ revision #1 ~
a matchstick falls
on the feeding ants -
fireworks
~ original ~
feeding ants
suddenly disperse -
fireworks
A contest entry
- Haiku Workshop by azure85.
600 points, ended July 24, 2008, 60 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critiques welcome!
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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a matchstick falls
on the feeding ants -
fireworks
Oh, that is a scene that happens, as you're lighting those fireworks. A good revision, I am glad you followed myron's advice. Thank you so much.
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I'm really glad myron pointed out to me what he did.
Thanks for commenting! Appreciate it!
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fireworks...or firecrackers!?
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i revised it.
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hmm...
fireworks!
why firecrackers? because of "crackers"?
hmm..
*pokes you*
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This is a wonderful juxtaposition of images between the working ants scattering and the fireworks exploding! very, very nice.
"suddenly' works ok, but if there is a weakness in this haiku (and maybe there isn't) then perhaps it is in this second line. It verges more on telling the readers what is happening, rather than showing them.
best wishes in the contest,
myron. -
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a matchstick falls
on the feeding ants -
fireworks
there you go! what do you think now?
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ah.. now there you have a point.. no wonder this 'ku kept pokin' me in the face.. i was actually thinking of removing this and entering a new one, but i'm not able to think of any yet.
hmm.. let me work on this.. i think my energy-saving bulb is flickering..
thanks so much!
honoured to receive your comment.
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