Hope can lead to two situations,
One of course fulfillment of it
And the other despair.
When success comes it appears sweet
More to those who are deprived of it.
It provides encouragement for further work.
But a beleaguered person
Can hardly withstand further oppression
And he goes down and out by no time.
It hurts most when you are hardly prepared.
***
A contest entry
- Best Prewrites From July 2008 by amaranthine lover.
2800 points, ended November 18, 2008, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hope is But a Lost Dream by Lost Vampyre Angel.
600 points, ended September 15, 2008, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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now this flows much better
thanks
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fulfillment >> fulfilment
Hope can lead to two situations,More to those who are deprived of it.
One of course fulfillment of it
And the other lack of it.
Line three of this really disturbing to the flow just a suggestion but it would sound better if you had it as something similar to this:
Hope can lead to two situations,
One of course fulfilment of it
And the other leads to deprivation
I don't know what you think but to me that sounds less...rant like more poetical. flows more. it's just a suggestion you don't need to.
More to those who are deprived of it.
I really think it would sound better if you ended it with more.. clarity
for example:
More to those who are deprived of the success
Now apart from that I like this poem alot. It flowed very well and had a high wisdom and knowledge thanks for entering
all my love
kitty xxx -
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I appreciate your critique and also agree to edit the lines you have recommended. Only to avoid repeatability of using the words "lead" and "success" I have used other words or kept it without changing. Hope you will like it now. Thanks for your valued comments.
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thats a very good idea thanks
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I like the initial idea that you instate here to the reader!
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This is an interesting philosophy and true, when a person is already oppressed, it hurts even more to have hopes dashed.
How can one be hopeful when already one is so down. Thank you for your entry. Best of luck in the judging. ~Pamela
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Great job. I love the philosophical musings you pose. I especially liked these lines:
But a beleaguered person
Can hardly withstand further oppression
Best of luck in the contest.
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Three things:
1. this doesn't sound like poetry or prose but simply an explanation of your beliefs
2. I don't think you meant to start each line with caps did you?
3. I don't understand L9 at all
Sorry, but this is hard to read for me..
Paul -
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Answers to your queries:
1. What do you write in your poems non-beliefs? To me internals
i.e. deep meaning of a poem is more important than ornamental
parts which is of course not totally ignorable.
2. I like to give first letter of every line in a poem as capital.
3. I have changed a little the 9th line for your better
understanding.
Hope I have cleared your doubts.
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This write holds great wisdom, my friend. It shows the double-edged sword of love, the great good and the great hardship it can produce within two seperate situations. Well done. Best wishes in the contest. Peace, Rhonda
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