Floating just where I should see
But managing to hide out of sight
Entrapped but wanting to be free
Needing someone to shine a light
Frolicking in and flitting out
‘Whats going on?’ people shout
Staying together
Whatever the weather
Feeling it sitting
Waiting to explode
Insides are fitting
So will I implode?
Boiling away at such a low heat
Hard to sit still in life’s seat
What will it take to make this go?
And when it does what will it show?
A contest entry
- Titles: Lucky Dip by I-Am-Custard.
800 points, ended August 23, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Hmmm... I'm sorry to say, but I hate the rhyme in this. Ether give you crazy dreams, the weird surreal sort, how does a regular rhyme scheme reflect that? There's not enough of a feeling of being lost either, since you chose to go in that direction rather than towards the enjoyment there could be. Someone should be really scared and vulnerable, and this doesn't show it.
"‘Whats going on?’ people shout"... I hate this line, wouldn't the person under ether be the onyl one who can't make sense of it? Comrades take away your vulnerability.
This could be really good with a little bit of work and thought.
Thank you for entering and feel free to edit at any stage until the contest closes.
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