False Funeral by Age of Rain at All poetry

I liked her
dead

blue lips bitten
by a wintry kiss

eyes clocked hours;

the inevitable pound

of finality

ticked away...

she mourned processions,
tombs and emblems
waved like flags
adrift
her 'black parade'

& I
danced

my triple step tapped

tango;

in her teeth she held
my rose

we swapped thorns
& I cried
for awhile...

but in the end,
it was just another day.

Author notes

*Shrugs* I find it hard to judge what my 'best' is, but I like this one.

A contest entry

Best AP Poet Contest by davidbetzer. 1500 points, ended August 2, 2008, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest

Critical Critique Desired.

Comments

1 - 14 of 14

By me, right now

Adding your comment:
ecrivain01
July 29, 2008

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Not really ...
my type of writing, but I do like that swapped thorns line. The Judge appears to be rather full of himself, but I suspect he has a point with the "spark of talent", only I'd say it's more of a bonfire. Some people look through the wrong end of the binoculars and everything looks small to them.
sailor ptolema
July 17, 2008

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I LOVE this . I think you've done really well; despite the puzzling comment by the judge . I think the flow is great; your imagery is clear and unique; and I think your poem is unique in and of itself. I like the rather unabashed apathy of it. A great poem G'luck!

~Pt
duana
July 17, 2008
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I can see why you like this. It is nicely written and brings vivid images to the reader's mind.
AliceinPoetryLand
July 17, 2008

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Wonderfully, strong start to this, which kept flowing throughout the piece and although the end seemed to fade, it was a particularlt strong ending also.
All the best
Gaylene
mama-drama
July 17, 2008
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sounds dark at first...yeah, its false..i like the creativity behind this.
It's amazing
davidbetzer
July 17, 2008

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Wait, Im collecting clues here.
"blue lips bitten
by a wintry kiss" not french kissing, the biting, thats a Belgium kiss.
"triple step tapped
tango" JP Donleavy much? what is a triple step tapped tango? hmmmm.... a Belgium Tango?
Let me guess you are Bolgarian?

My guess is you liked her dead because you can't write with any life.
"eyes like hours;
cold, finality
ticked away..." a little work on this and it would be good.
otherwise poor. Sorry.
actually you've got a spark of talent in there, but asking a judge to give recommendations on a piece you spent no more than a few minutes penning, is like asking for partial credit on a test for having read the questions. Rework this for a few hours and resubmit it, then I'll give you something constructive.
"we swapped thorns" don't lose that line. its good.
- Age of Rain
  July 17, 2008
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  LMAO! (At being Bolgarian) I'm your average white American. Though I live in Vermont. I agree with your critique of my third stanza but am a little puzzled at the life remark. Should a poem about a funeral be lively? *laughs* Thank you for your honest critique. After reading your contest summary I decided it would be worth it to enter my latest write to see what you would say. I'll see what I can do to improve it
kishi-tenshi
July 17, 2008

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I may not be a good critic but overall, i liked the flow, as in very much....

"we swapped thorns" well, somehow, i like this line, very much..

thanks for writing such a good poem...
Anthony-
July 17, 2008

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Interesting mediation. Well done to express what you do. The abbreviations seem to be an expression of who you are as a writer and I like that. All the best. Anthony.
LoveSpell-PurpleRose
July 17, 2008

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Very Different !
This is such a deep as well as dark poem . One to which it seems to me that you were glad that she was dead and not alive. I really cannot commit any futher on this one , for I find it to be disgraceful to our lost love one's. But I always say that we all like different thing's and that is our right to do so. God Bless You ! Brenda Gae
Angelflower
July 17, 2008

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This was like.. really intense!!!! You did a wonderful job in expressing a lot here..
"we swapped thorns
& I cried
for awhile..."
I really liked that "stanza" it was really emotional yet heartbreaking at the same time.. At leat to me that is..lol.. I really enjoyed reading this!!!
great write!!

Angel
notorious
July 17, 2008

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"I liked her dead"
OH DAMN, I have a quickie going on where the prompt is "My therapy is your demise". This would've worked oh-so-well.

"eyes like hours cold,"
I LOVE THIS...where do your poetic thoughts come from?!

"finality ticked away..."
Oh...how foreshadowing.

"triple step-tapped"
Hyphen. Please. I won't insult you for putting one in

"we swapped thorns"
What a cool way to say "We talked."

"it was just another day."
LoL!! Ending your poem with a cliche is risky, but this fits SOOOO WELL...it seems to downplay all the impact the poem's created, and that's bold and edgy and effing brilliant..
- Age of Rain
  July 17, 2008
  
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  Well, I was listening to this song, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbJfuQnnBfY, and the words 'I liked her dead' popped into my head. The rest fell into place. Thanks for the advice Hyphen Queen (which should TOTALLY be your user name) this is a first draft that I will have to fix up a bit later. Hahah.
- - notorious
    July 17, 2008
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    That's not a bad idea about the username, but I regard myself more as a king to my friends in "real life"...LoL =P Because I like the word 'king' more. =P LoL...too late to change my username now!! =[