the heat of patience
is sometimes intolerable
seething just below a blue collar
yet it is the full choir of hidden stars
that pulse even throughout the 4am to 9pm day
again, it is the artist forced into drudgery
and labor to support his expression
it is the good men and women
doing what is right when no one is looking
that weld adrenaline to endorphins
eventually sculpting
this ponderous, jejune
reality
into a fortress of us
Author notes
This was inspired by the beautiful oddity of an abstract creation by Vladimir Kush:
http://gitarguy18.fatcow.com/peter/art/vladimir_kush/VladimirKushwindA.jpg
Constructive Criticism
Comments
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Hello Red Rocket.
I checked the picture, great picture. Your write; excellent first line, an uncomfortable simmering heat, amount of times I have jumped up and down because of it, ahahaha. And I can relate to the artist.
Your line about "the good men and women.....", it doesn't read right to me, it's a bit jarring; doesn't flow. The "good", "doing" and "right" don't sit well for me. I would have it like "It is the good, men and women do when no one is looking"; still gives the same meaning but sharper delivery.
But there is a problem with that line for another interpretation of that line can be cynical; for it creates a link between goodness and the act of being looked upon; that only good acts are done away from sight, which obviously isn't true. Regardless of being looked at or not, goodness is done by the good.
The line is actually to do with the seekers of praise, for it is the false act of goodness, for the show of it, and the adulation to whatever degree, and for this adulation to prop up an ego, as all ego's are external praise seekers and need the constant influx. Perhaps "irrespective" or a word like it would help that line.
Of course this is just my opinion on that line. Overall I think it is a good write, some sharp lines in it.
My regards.
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You have some great thoughts tucked away in this "beautiful oddity". =)
I never heard of the heat of patience before, but it's a splendid way of putting it and I love it for its refreshing originality. Also love your phrase "a full choir of hidden stars" which could have double meaning... right? One more top favorite morsel from your poem is, "doing what is right when no one is looking". Wonderful! So true that learning and practicing patience sculpts our characters.
I have one minor suggestion and that would be to replace the / in man/woman to an 'or' which I think would flow better.
Congrats on a great piece!
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"it is the good man/woman
doing what is right when no one is looking"
Although this work is lovely from the first word to the last, this couplet speaks me to me in specific because really - if you only do good things when someone is watching, is it really a good thing?
Nice job!
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Pardon me if this is intrusive, only I hope you don't mind... I just couldn't resist! You asked such a good question.
A good deed is a good deed, but what are it's motives? If we do it so others will notice then it kind of kills the good deed, even though the good thing is done. However if we do it out of pure motives with no intention of being seen, no hopes of retribution or praise, that is the REAL good deed....
There's a beautifully enlightening passage on this in Matthew 6:1-18.
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