An old man, in an old chair.
Resting on the corner.
With curly, graying hair.
His hands produce a treasure.
It's small and kind of shiny.
He holds it like a lover.
A woman, metal; tiny.
He leans into twilight.
Wets his cracked lips.
Gathers a large breath,
holds the box in fingertips.
Behold, his chest draws tight.
A mournful sound is born.
Such pain and beauty together,
A masterpiece, but torn.
Soon a rhythmic tune is set.
A refrain in wordless song.
A song of beauty untold,
and of how it all went wrong.
This is the man on the corner.
He plays the sun to sleep.
This man's sad lullaby.
Brings the sun to weep.
Sol's tears rest around her.
In her bed on high.
Finally calmed by song.
Tears, twinkling as they dry.
The man's song is a story.
Of work, and endless duty.
Of a man and his eternal job,
of bringing forth night's beauty.
Author notes
I feel like the timing got a bit goofy... I hope it isn't to hard to read. Feel free to be constructively critical.
- Rhyme and Meter Workshop group list • next in list
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Comments
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Rhyme & Meter Workshop
I like this poem. It has imagery, depth, and soul.
You begin the poem with the rhyme scheme in quatrains of axax, bxbx, etc. but end with a tercet. Or do you begin with a tercet, and end up with quatrains? There are no rules, here, because you haven't chosen a particular form, it's just a unique way to constructing the poem.
This is pure accentual verse, with only a few lines varying from three stresses per line (for example the first has two spondees: an OLD MAN in an OLD CHAIR; later, SOON a RHYthmic TUNE is SET). Accentual verse has been around for millennia, and has the same raw appeal today as ever.
There are places for me where the rhyme is somewhat jarring. You have such interesting imagery, but the rhymes are a little pedestrian: born/torn, song/wrong, sleep/weep. With such short lines, the rhymes tend to chime and jingle, which is distracting from the overall tone of the poem.
I was also thrown off by your reference to the sun as Sol, and then going on to discuss the sun as a woman. It could also be that you're introducing another character, the woman for whom the harmonica player yearns, who is in heaven, resting in her bed on high. As this is the only direct reference, and Sol is a male, I got lost at that point.
I appreciate your pushing the envelope and trying new forms. As in all other arts, I encourage you to continue to work on the basics and gain full mastery of rhyme, meter, tone, and imagery in traditional forms at the same time that you explore your own unique voice.
~Epistomolus -
I like the contents of this poem... But, I always find poems that are in big lines like this hard to read... It just is unappealing to the eye. Even harsh.
though I did read it, and enjoy it - I always divide up my poems in stanzas.
Anyways.
Good poem
I like this one.
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Outstanding
This needs some work to really make the rhyme and meter flow. I think it would have helped if you'd chosen a definite form, broken it up into stanzas and decided on a syllable count for each line - 8 is a good choice and then made sure each line had 8 syllables. That would have helped to strengthen the poem. I thought the content was good though and I enjoyed reading this poem.
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