if redemption had a name
it would be Ida,
a prickly bush,
thorns making hands bleed,
words forming
for mouths to suck on
she used apologies
as old socks,
darned over ceaseless holes
I would see the patchwork
and pick at it
merciful, sometimes not
never a flinch,
drop of blood
if she had foamed
at the mouth,
I could have offered hankies,
sympathy not a strong suit
for her or I
noticed
once for high breasts,
low slung hips, hair
wisped with blond, skin
now lying below gravity
and I hated her
for getting old,
becoming timid;
becoming me
when play had years left
Taught me sin
had effects
and a cause. Men
of little consequence.
I found her 'good'
when others saw
haggard
I saw Ida;
how human she was
Author notes
Painting by Ivan Allbright
In a list
A contest entry
- A Soul Called Ida by malmadre.
1000 points, ended August 2, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Vivid
Your imagery in this piece is solid. The grammar and structure is a little off, or shaky, in some places, but overall, I think you capture the theme of the painting--Ida's soul--very well.
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First impression is best:: fine work.
I became interested in Ida because how you spoke of her and drew her. Fine poem.
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Good write here
You have pictured her in her secret most hidden moments and saw what so few ever witnessed good luck in the contest
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“once high breasted,
low slung hips
wisped with blond hairs
now lying below gravity”
- This area I think could use work.
The words themselves stumble when you
try to read them out loud. I’m also not sure about
the end of the stanza before, it feels incomplete.
Starting at the “sympathy” line.
“and I hated her
for getting old,
becoming me
when years had play left”
- The last line here read awkward.
I don’t like how it ends on the word left.
Something stronger would certainly add
to your imagery. And in general, just strange
choice of sentence structure.
“taught me sin
had effects
and a cause
finding good
when all else saw
haggard
I saw Ida;
how human she was”
- I love the last two lines, solid. The two little
stanza’s that came before though feel slightly askew. I think it’s the spacing and the general separation of ideas, a little more focus and bringing the imagery together would greatly improve it. The language once again in those two stanza’s is strange, especially with the space choices in mind.
That’s it. I really enjoyed this poem with these
observations aside. It certainly is a detailed piece and brings up a lot of poetry that is emotional and it contains strong character development. There is sadness here as well as love. Admirable writing.
;
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Thank you so much for this, will re-edit and fiddle with it, chose not to use so many filler words but perhaps in the emotion of a piece like this, they are needed to plump it a little. It was late and I was tired lol I will look at it in the cold heard daylight.
C
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I am glad you found it helpful. As the writer, you know best my dear. I'm just along for the ride and I knew you asked for a second eye so I wanted to help. Whatever you decide or don't decide is alright with me. I like your stuff regardless of what I nit-pick.
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well I thank you for saying that I am still learning what my voice is really like. I appreciate the help and your second eye is very good, when you can't see the forest for the tree's lol it is useful for someone else to pick up the nuances. Thanks James you're a peach
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I can't always see the forest for the trees either...LOL. I think we all suffer from that. Comes with being a writer. Well, my internet connection has been working quite well but now it's starting to fuzz on me again, darn it! This dsl is more trouble then it's worth. I can't wait for the company to come check it on monday. Hopefully they can figure out why it keeps slowing down and shit.
You are too kind!
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A not-so-easy occurance we all have to face as we age. Some handle it better than others. You did a nice job of telling how it can be for some. I liked the flow and ease of the read. Good luck in the contest. Pen on...
. Rewarded 4
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A realistic and soulful telling of that malady that creeps up on us all, eventually. Well done dear, and all the best.
Love and peace always,
mj.
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Loved this! I have loved everything i have read from you. Best of luck in the contest! I really hope you place.
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Teehee
LMAO...I love this!!! You have some pretty unconventional imagery that serves tennis balls.
"she used apologies
as old socks,
darned over ceaseless holes
I would see the patchwork
and pick at it
merciful, sometimes not"
LOVE THIS!!!!! Especially "apologies as old socks"...effing hilarious.
"becoming me
when years had play left"
AHAHAHAHA =P
It's like becoming your mother (except you're becoming Ida).
Redemption...
I love that. It's delectable to watch on TV/movies when it's done well
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40 Love
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Good stuff.
Good luck in the contest.
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I take a bow and humbly accept the praise lol
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How beautifully creative are your words...as I read them I meet her in my eyes in a new light and realize just how true it is...very impressive and real...full of emotions and the confusion we all feel as time sneaks in and we open our eyes to see what we wish not to, for it is a vision of ourselves...perfect!!!
Best always,
mystic
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Thank you Mystic, the painting is very brutal yet endearing to think a painter painted it as he saw her, a human with a past and that makes her very real. Love, C
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You have depicted Ida appropriately, she looks like a gentle soul, full of "I'm sorry" and in her heart she is still that little girl, perhaps getting ready for her prom, and in our eyes a loved family member that we can see slipping away, a victim of time.
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