I am a broken pencil,
With the tip broke off just so.
I am a broken pencil,
With no lead to write my show.
I am a broken pencil,
With no point to live at all.
I am a broken pencil,
Whose life has gone and stalled.
I am a broken pencil,
Only my eraser still hooked on.
I am a broken pencil,
With only endings to be drawn.
I am a broken pencil,
With my wood an empty shell.
I am a broken pencil,
Whose life has gone to Hell.
I am your broken pencil,
No more stories to be told.
I am your broken pencil,
No reason for you to hold.
I am your broken pencil,
I can feel the end is near.
I am your broken pencil,
Broken – but still here.
I am your broken pencil,
My heart shattered on the desk.
I am your broken pencil,
Who’s left your life a mess.
I am your broken pencil,
Who’s been tossed and thrown aside.
You missed the can; I lay beside.
I am your broken pencil.
Author notes
The inspiration for this not-so-great poem comes from a chain text I recieved not even an hour ago; 'Life without you is like a broken pencil... There's no point!' I'm bored, so this gave me something to fill my time with, but I'm not entirely proud of it. I hope it sounds okay...
This was really hard to write, as I had no motivation to do it, but I hope it sounds okay... Constructive critism welcome as always.
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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I quite liked the iniital repetitive element here and the rhyme isn't at all bad. Great metaphor and the way it changes from 'I am a' to 'I am your' Sure there's a lot of work you could do on this, maybe adjust some of the images and the rhyme. Perhaps you could take what you feel to be the best elements and shorten it as it does become a little overdone. The final couplet needs to be a little more powerful 'you missed the can; I lay beside' seems a little out of synch - this is an interesting subject matter and there's great potential here, be good to see where you take it. Good luck with it. Nice to see how positively it's been received.
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bravo
Oh, I think it a very fine poem, indeed! Loved it! My only suggestion, and this is only a suggestion, would be to reverse the final two stanza, have the second to the last stanza as the LAST stanza... wonderful... bravo!!!!
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What do you think of the change? I didn't even take that idea into consideration until I read your comment. I think I like it better this way...
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it has been bookmarked
"I am your broken pencil,
Who’s been tossed and thrown aside.
I am your broken pencil,
You missed the can; I lay beside."
The ending really hit me. I love this poem
it's more then ok it bloody awesome!
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I love line 24. And I really like the repetition and rhymes. I am totally jealous of your writing abilities!
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repetative but i love the idea!! you have some great metaphores in this write! maybe try to mix it up without the repetition? just a thought!
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"I am your broken pencil,
Broken – but still here."
That one definetely had to be my favorite line. So much emotion held in that one sentence. When I read it, my breath caught in my throat and I felt hurt. It takes a lot for anyone to make me actually feel something through their words. Congradulations on being one of them. Such an amazing write, keep up the good word. There weren't any awkward rhymes or any that seemed forced. You really should be proud of this poem, it's incredibly well written.
Love, Doll Face. -
I understand and your feelings. need to keep in mind, some pencils are quite strong and not easily broken. You need to strengthen your heart, so its not mislead or in position where its broken again. Hope that make sense. Always there are those that will take advantage of another for their own selfish pleasure. I am sorry and hope things change for you.
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Thank you a bunch for this comment. My heart, however, while it is in pieces, is okay. It's been that way my whole life - I doubt that will change;yes, I do have a gloomy outlook, but if I didn't, I wouldn't even write poetry... What I wanted to say is that this poem honestly is about a broken pencil, lol. I wrote thinking about how I would feel were I the pencil that I so carelessly tossed aside when the lead broke. ...and the text I recieved helped me form this.
Again, thank you so much for the comment. Love the encouragement.
Much Love,
JADE RAYNE* -
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my pleasure.
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"I am your broken pencil,
My heart shattered on the desk"
My favorite part of the poem
This is really good
Well done
xxx
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Good write! It is hard to be broken, but sometimes that is the only way to move our lives forward. Each pain can make us stronger if we use it instead of letting it use us. This was a great poem, keep up the good work. God bless.
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if only you could use the eraser to wipe away the sins of life. vey nice write
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OMG I absolutely love this poem! I love the way you kept repeating "I am a broken pencil" I love how much emotion you found from a broken pencil, its lovely! GREAT write!
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I like It
This piece has beautiful repetition. It is strange how we find inspiration in the most unexpected places. I loved the meter and it flowed sweet as honey in my esteemed opinion, not that I am an expert or anything lol. But this was a great write. BRAVO!!! Great read and keep up the great work.
~mandie~
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As a chain text it is interesing. As a poem standing alone, the use of the phrase "I am your pencil" is a bit repititions. The other lines are pretty good.
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