I saw you dance in sunbeams, in the clearing in the wood
And lost my heart to how you made me feel.
You moved like liquid satin, I was frozen where I stood,
How could I know a fairy queen was real.
The magic of the moment met the wonder in my eyes,
My life was changed forever by an afternoon surprise.
Each day I found I wandered to that leafy woodland glade
Where first I saw the ruler of my heart.
You never said you saw me as I watched you from the shade
As you rehearsed the movements of your art.
Each day you danced more lithely and each day I loved you more,
I never thought to ask you what it was you danced there for.
Three weeks we kept the ritual, three weeks of summer bliss.
We never spoke, although you smiled at me.
I dreamed each night you loved me and were waiting for a kiss
But never made my dreams reality.
There came a day when you weren't there, the glade was grey and bare,
No fairies in the sunlight and no music in the air.
Beneath my tears I noticed there was something on the tree,
An envelope was pinned right where I'd look.
No writing on the outside but I knew it was for me
Inside there was a ticket and a book.
I read the book that evening, then I watched you dance the role
And after by the stage-door, just one kiss and I was whole.
Author notes
wouldn't it be nice if life worked like this!
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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bravo
This was lovely! and perfect meter throughout and the final lines made me smile. Excellent, excellent! bravo... bravo... bravo...
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You are far too kind as ever but I am quite pleased with it
I re-read Venus and Adonis (well actually I did skip some bits Bill could go on a touch!) the other night and decided the ababcc rhyme for the stanzas was so gorgeous that I have been trying it in all sorts of meters, this 7/5 alternating meter is one of my favourites and 757577 seems to make each stanza a mini poem, and a lot of fun to write. I shall try not to get too addicted!
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Beautiful, a story well told (when isn't it!) with a wonderful and happy ending.
Thanks for making me smile
Sue
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Strong Imagery
As usual, your poetry has weaved a wonderful movie in my mind. Yet, I too stumbled at 16... I haven't pinned down why yet... the flow just caught a little. I did really enjoy the ending. I'm glad it came together... you could honestly make a short film with this plot.
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S3 is now corrected, I had been fighting with it for a while and wanted to go to bed
I am always very grateful to those who tell me where I fail, so heartfelt thanks for your critique
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Love Happy Endings
And life is like a long massage, isn't it?
Good stuff.
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The first two stanzas are quite strong and mysterious. Very inviting exploration of watching and being watched. Half way through 3rd stanza, you hit a big bump with "Guts." For me, it shut the enchantment down. rhyme scheme left, by duplicating 'b's for 'c's with another internal 'b'
Like stirring a glass, then reversing direction.
The conclusion/climax for me was a bit hard to follow, the missing parts of the story are felt a bit and reveals the fairae was in fact, an actress. It is a good ending... left me wanting more. -
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S3 is now corrected, I had been fighting with it for a while and wanted to go to bed. I do feel the final stanza is a little crowded but I did not want to expand it much, certainly not a whole new stanza and now it is up to you to fill it in
I know what the story is in my mind but yours will be just as valid
I am always very grateful to those who tell me where I fail, so heartfelt thanks for your critique
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This is delightful and penned with wonderful flowing meter. I noticed your notes; life is like this, don't you think?
Love,
Amera♥
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what do you think of the form?
I read Venus and Adonis the other night, all in hexains with ababcc rhyme, that was iambic pentameter of course, but I liked the rhyme scheme
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