skin grazed cheek
salt fell on mottled
skin
her days
like walls
before the eyes
of a similar color
hair swept back
cold sweat
he whimpered
with a
gaze
the jaundice
settled in
Author notes
Prompt: Yellow
Notes: I hope depressing is okay...I was just watching some special or another on jaundice in new born babes and this came out.
A contest entry
- Yellow by AliceinPoetryLand.
950 points, ended July 16, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Critique Desired.
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Holy Smokes sweetie. This is excellent!
Well done.
Delila
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the visuals in this poem are stunning
simply amazing
great poem
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Wow. This was absolutely amazing. I loved the imagery that your used in it to captivate the reader. You are truly gifted. Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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Wow.. All this from a color?
You are an incredible talent with imagery - something you should really teach me sometime my Dalliance!
You make beauty of such dismal dew, excellent presence for thought here...
"her days
like walls
before the eyes
of a similar color"
.. this made me think beyond the subject matter here - but certainly left an impression, I will leave it at that ..
Great write!
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You did a very outstanding job with the prompt, YELLOW...most would have taken it elsewhere, but you went outside the box...nice writing...
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wow. such an unusual take on the prompt, but you did it quite well. great write!
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wow.... im speechless really I dont know what to say... so many ways to take this... nicely penned!
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For the prompt, I think this was quite an unusual take - but good. I really like the images in your first verse, but didn't care for the repeat of 'skin'- with just 8 words, 2 of them were 'skin' which, to me, cuts the impact. I might have said,
'skin grazed cheek
salt fell
on mottled complexion' or even 'membrane grazed cheek' then using 'skin' with the 'mottled'......anyways, just my thoughts. other than that, I like the unusual take you've done on this prompt.
Congrats on the HM
-
Yellow
as a prompt...not the most unique prompt, but this poem is.
"salt fell on mottled/skin"
Depressing much?!! LoL...'mottled' is a great word choice. Your diction kicks sumo ass.
"her days/like walls"
The shortest simile I've ever seen? All the words are one syllable--groovy!!
I love it.
"before the eyes/of a similar color"
Strikes me as deceptively simple...
"the jaundice/settled in"
Kick-ass ending.
Kudos on the HM, but you deserved more.
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Re: Hospital Walls
Yes, kinda sad /dark, too. Rather unconventional contemporary poem, but it's good. I rarely read dark / sad things, cause they scare me, a bit! But, this one's just plain ghastly -- sorry! Good write and good choice of words!
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It's grotesque.
I feel sympathy towards the person staring blindly at the patient, hard and pale, lifeless like the hospital walls.
--it was kinda hard for me to understand though. I had to read it over and over. But it's still nice. ^^:
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Such a wonderful piece you have
written here. I can't believe that
you only got an HM for this! I love
your take on this prompt. Well done
and keep it up!
Jeremy0826 -
All that from yellow? Great job!
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Oh your first stanza was so heartwrenching
Such a sad piece but you have really brought out such emotion in this. A very unique take on the prompt.
Thanks so much for this fine entry.
Gaylene
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Poor baby and mother! Never nice to have a sick baby...
This is a BRILLIANT take on that prompt!! I looked at it and went
blank!! lol
Well done!!
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