I’m dreaming of candlelit paths in Paris
Hand in hand along cobblestone streets
The jukebox playing our song
Button lit up to repeat
I’m dreaming of golden sunsets
Spent looking deep in your eyes
Talking all night about the future
Until we meet with red sunrise
I’m dreaming of jewelled skies
With my head on your chest
Crying to the sound of your heartbeat
The music with which I’m obsessed
I’m dreaming of slow dances
Always last on the dance floor
How you cradle me softly
Leaves a desire for more
I'm dreaming of dancing explosions
A cyclone of animated attraction
The acidic aroma of fireworks
With you, gives a deep satisfaction
I’m dreaming of you holding me close
You’re all that I need
Spend the rest of my life loving you
Of that we’re agreed
Author notes
Okay, this one's really not good.. I just did this one because me and my boyfriend are getting way better. I know I always have the same style of writing, but it makes it easier for me. Any constructive critisism is appreciated, but no haters please And would anyone be able to help me with the title I don't think it's very good thanks! xx
A contest entry
- The loveboat just crashed by Emilina.
375 points, ended July 27, 2008, 24 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and Everything Silvosian Member's Contest by Pixielated.
900 points, ended August 6, 2008, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - New and blossoming relationship... Or Cyber Love..... by babygirl2582.
330 points, ended July 18, 2008, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ARGH!!!! My Muse has gone AWOL... by Luckintheshadows.
450 points, ended August 2, 2008, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - .•¤**¤•. Love .•¤**¤•. by XBeautiful MistakeX.
550 points, ended August 4, 2008, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - best prewrites by dory.
500 points, ended July 30, 2008, 89 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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That surely took my breath away. i have never read a poem that could be put me in paris and be in love with no worries of tomrrow that was amazing and beautifu
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Thankyou so much!
xxxx
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You rock.
Really, you do. I'm not much into rhyme or imagery (lol. I know. Why the hell am I even here?) but I fell in love with your poem. It's so pretty it hurts my eyes to re-read it. Thanks for entering!
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Awwee thanks
Im glad you like it! Thanks for commenting!
x
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Don't sell yourself short, I thought it was very good. You have a good rhyme pattern throughout, no forced rhyme that I can see (and that's breath of fresh air, there are just so many forced rhyme poems on AP) This is sweet and conveys a sense of love and contentment well. I liked it quite a bit. YOu need to have more faith in yourself. Congratulations on the trophies, they were well-deserved. Thank you for entering the contest and sharing this with me.
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oh my, this is just such a beautiful poem, I adore it! I love the colourful imagery you create here, and your words are just so full of tender love, and promise.
This stanza is my favourite:
"I’m dreaming of jewelled skies
With my head on your chest
Crying to the sound of your heartbeat
The music of which I’m obsessed"
But if there's one thing I would change it would be -
"The music WITH which I'm obsessed"
- that's just me though, and that little thing in no way detracts from the sheer beauty of this write.
Thanks for sharing this, and taking the time to enter my contest,
Luck.
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Awwee thanks so much A lovely comment! You're right it sounds so much better! Thankyou!
x
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aw, I do like the sentiments and unfulfilled sense of longing here. Your use of language really encapsualtes the feelings well. Now to be nitpicky - if you're using enjambement you don't need to use capital letters to commence each line and the flow of this would benefit from some punctuation. Even free verse needs it. 'The music of which..' sounds a bit clumsy and grammatically a no no, but overall this is a sweet write. Congratulations on your trophy. Keep up the good work.
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yay, just read the new version. good job!
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Awwwee thanks so much!
x
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Great write!
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Awwwee thankyou so much for your comment!
x
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Wow, this is amazing. I think this is actually my favorite poem now. I love the second line, idk why but I really like it. The rhyme scheme is perfect as well. You're extremely talented.
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Oh wow! Thanks so much for your lovely comment! I can't believe I'm on your favourites Really glad you like my poem x
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Great Write
Thanks 4 entering my contest. -
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No worries, thanks for taking the time to look at my poem
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Oooh I remember reading this before, I liked it then and I like it now, thank you for sharing and best of luck.
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Thanks
xx
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i cannot think of a alternate title for this piece. you are generous with your emotion for the reader.
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Thankyou for your lovely comment
xx
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I kind of like the title, it's fitting for the subject. And the style is good too, nothing to be ashamed of. I've found that if I like a certain style, but it's getting old for me, I can break it down into shorter stanzas or repeate the same form a time or two to lengthen it. And that lets you play around with something you already know works for you. Good piece, thanks for entering.
Pixie
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Thanks so much for your help And thankyou for your lovely comment and taking the time to read my poem
xx
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Interesting write, A joy to read, thank you for sharing, and thank you for entering the contest, Best of luck,
Elle Kaye- -
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Thankyou for taking the time to read my poem
xx
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I like it a lot... I don't think it's bad at all, and the title is perfect - in my opinion. I guess, if you had t ochange it, I'm dreaming of you would also work pretty well...
JADE RAYNE* -
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Awwwwwe thanks so much for your comment
xx
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this is very good. it really expresses your love for your boyfriend. the title hmm how about jewelled skies or desire of the dancefloor? lol very good write
good luck -
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Oh wow! I love that title! That's amazing thankyou so much for your comment xx
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why dont you try some more discripive words
make the readers feel like they are there, not just you -
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Thankyou for your comment, i'll be working on it in the next few days xx
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