Little ironies on my skin of hatred
Black mind rested on steely sulfur pits
Forget-me-nots struggling to reach the sky
Were your crystalline eyes
Staring down at me
When you looked at my ugly face
And told me to die?
Fireworks in your disgusting eyes
Rot and fireflies of rage and meter
You
Me
Us
Them
One and the same
Dying
Crying
With acidic tears and the lies
I whispered in your ears
To keep you alive
For me to abuse
Like pimples in my life, popping
To spread the rot about
As you open those delicate eyes
Again
Author notes
No notes cause I don't feel like typing them. Wait...
~ Zixaphir
A contest entry
- looking for new favorites by lively banter.
845 points, ended August 14, 2008, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Sacrifice your Critiques unto me:
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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This is nice. I like your language here. This reminds me how I used to write, it’s scary and very funny at the same time! I’m not really liking the rhymes here or the repetition of the eyes. I really liked the first stanza and I loved the last one especially. The pimple idea was awesome. I feel the third stanza is a little awkward, it reminds me the most of my style. I do enjoy the ideas in the stanza; it’s just the spacing and some of the wording that I find a little awkward. I used to do the one line stanzas haha. Oh, and did you mean to have that seventh stanza stick out that much?
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Of course it should remind you of your style -- your style was it's direct influence. Trust me, you wouldn't like the poems I normally write.
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This is my old style, like when I first started writing. So is this like an emulation?
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Yeah, you could say that. You wanted new favorites, and I wanted a trophy in a contest where my own style had no chance. Of course, I've already blown that, too, but it was fun anyhow. ^^;;
Curse my unrelenting urge to boast. I'm like every comic villain ever. -
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Never try to copy someone's style, create your own! I respect originality and individuality and look down on copy cats .
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Very well written, the diction on this is just wonderful. You have an incredible and unique style tha screams orginiality. Great luck to you in the contest you've entered.
Silvos.
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