I don’t want to see the end of the world
and the hard-boiled eggs tipping on the horizon
as I slip in and out of fire
and the war zone called the sky
Evil evil evil lives
Lie lie lie evil
Am I a shepherd of the apocalypse,
greeting the falling sun
or just a maggot crawling around scars
and reading the future
through tell-tale lines in the sand
and etched into hands
Eyes do not show the future
in all their bloody, thoughtless stares
Dire dire dire rid
rid rid rid
die
[atribe of the devil]
[Evil]
Dirges play, diabolical demons discordantly dance
Dulcet drone died so long ago
now snearing sounds shackle senses
sending sullen saviors to the tomb
Hearts do not beat the tempo
of the crying universe
and souls cannot sing the melody
of the choking, rusted earth
as little children sit in shadows
underneath stairwells, listening to cries
of war and battle orders, and chants
of building bigger bombs
Children drew their smiles
so long ago
but rain has washed them away
leaving scars and blanched faces behind
and they stand on the edge of the universe
somewhere between the shadow
and the never-ending light
at world's brutal end
Author notes
*shrug* I don't know
just some random thoughts?
-Prewrites, para la contesta "prewrites"
A contest entry
- Pre - Writes by MorganTea.
525 points, ended July 20, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites by Melissa Gayle.
450 points, ended July 16, 2008, 32 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Have you ever... by Age of Rain.
1300 points, ended July 31, 2008, 57 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
*Is so glad you saved him from the endless suckage* Very well writ with interesting imagery and repetition. Well done!
-
I haven't read you in awhile and for that I apologize.
Absolutely love the first stanza, all the way up until those last two lines - don't like them at all, I don't think they are needed.
Stanza two, I would remove 'just' from line three - otherwise imagery and intent excellent.
I understand the way the dire and rid work but, it feels unneeded.
Honestly I feel your middle is weak, it doesn't feel needed at all to me - and just makes the piece a bit too wordy.
Then we get to your ending, I think from 'heart do not beat the tempo" down, some lines could be combined.
And I would almost leave it at 'and the never ending light" -
fantastic imagery, i can picture the words you've painted in my head.
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