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Cul-de-sac

Powers in hand
are playing,
plaguing body with anxiety
and
placing obstacles in occurrence

Virginal white encountering
barred entrances
and
the barren awareness;

today would not be the day…

Author notes

http://littlemewhatever.deviantart.com/art/This-Innocence-83764857

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Comments

1 - 29 of 29

  • notorious
    July 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Forgot to add that I loved the title.

  • notorious
    July 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Credit the artist in your AN, Cin?

    Anyways...I love "Powers in hand"...makes me think of a really arbitrary god or something.

    "plaguing body with anxiety"
    I can totally get that from the pic.

    "Virginal white"
    LoL...white is always portrayed as innocence, and rightly so.

    "barred entrances and the barren awareness"
    Awesome!!! Although...I don't really fancy 'and' having a line break of its own. The word just doesn't seem groovy enough to own its own line, considering it's only 3 letters...

    LoL...why not:
    "barred entrances,
    barren awareness
    [Cin expands on that w/o giving 'and' a separate line]

    (: Just an idea...

    "today would not be her day..."
    Very suspenseful (and kind of melancholy). Although..MAYBE (just maybe!) make 'her' --> 'the'...

    "the day..." would imply a special occasion maybe...more intriguing?

    Just my random thoughts. Very cool write and thanks for entering!!


    • MaMa-2-be-Cindy
      July 16, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      Cant believe i forgot will edit it in, as soon as im done here lol




      The and..well there's two of them, on there own like that for a reason..I am keeping the flow of the piece

      it works to me..im sorry it doesnt for you so much..but im not changing it

      but i agree the day does make it more intriguing, thank you

      Love your random thoughts darl..mostly cause not enough do it on here etc



  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    July 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Yes yes sis! I think you captured the feeling of that picture perfectly!

    And I think brevity is best here and you've done it so well!

    Love it.. good luck!


  • luna-midnight gold member
    July 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    cinful ooohhh..you naughty


  • lowercase prelude gold member
    July 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    can't wait for something awesome!

  • notorious
    July 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Cinful huh? =P
    http://gunselsenol.deviantart.com/art/Just-Pretending-Vol-VI-91707081
    If you need another one, lemme know

1 - 29 of 29